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Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by blowtorch, Feb 10, 2017.
I screwed in a lightbulb once.
If you thought sand everywhere was bad...
How many Boston blue bloods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to call the electrician, and one to mix the martinis.
Did you hear about the guilt wracked lightbulb?
It turned itself in.
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHTBULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
PS. My wife would laugh at this... so no offence intended to the ladies.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Light-bulb? Light-bulb? I don't need a light-bulb, thank you very much. I'm quite happy to sit in the dark...
How many Nannies does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Just the one... assuming it actually needs changing.
#change # lightbulb #how many?
NONE. The lightbulb is working great. All this talk of the light going out and us being in darkness is #FAKENEWS!
How many Springsteen fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They like dancing in the dark
Yes, but some people are easily L.E.D. ...
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
I got the new Apple iLight!
It needed changing but none of my old Apple bulbs would fit!
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
The porcupine has the pr15ks on the outside.
I saw a BMW stopping at junctions correctly, driving inside the speed limit and using its indicators...
Do you think I should report it stolen?
That was probably me - my wife says my driving and road manners have improved beyond recognition since I bought one!
BMW – Bad Man Wagon. I seriously cannot recall the last time I observed a BMW car being driven well, courteously, unobtrusively and at an appropriate speed. However, enough of this and back to the jokes, because BMW drivers are not amusing at all.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light-bulb?
So the politician you didn't vote for is at the river, thinking by him or her self, when s/he falls in, gets caught in seaweed and starts to drown. Three kids fishing see this and pull him or her out.
Touched and grateful s/he says 'you kids can have anything you want. I am one of the most powerful people in this legal jurisdiction and can grant any wish you like.
The first kid says 'well I live sport so I'd like a gold pass lifetime to any sporting event.
The next kid says I'd love a lifetime pass to the movies.
The third kid says look I'd like the foo fighters to play at my funeral and es Sheeran to write a song for it and the local sports team to be the pall bearers.
Done. But son, you're 10. Why are you so worried about your funeral?
Because when dad finds out who I saved from drowning, he's going to kill me.
How many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the light and one to make sure they don't slip.
Two. One to change the light and one to hold the coc... fathe...LADDER!!