Joke for Friday

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by blowtorch, Feb 10, 2017.

  1. elihu

    elihu Poster Extraordinaire

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    If Ivana Trump entered into a polygamous relationship with Jack Nicklaus and Neil Diamond...



    Ivana Diamond-Nicklaus?
     
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  2. dlew919

    dlew919 Doctor of Teleocity

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    There were these three pieces of string who desired a drink in a social environment. So they walk into the pub. The first one says 'my shout' and walks up to the bar. The bartender says 'we don't serve string here. Get out.'

    The string goes back to the table and explains what happened. The second piece says 'must be a mistake. Let me have a go'. He comes back drinkless. The third piece says leave it to me. He messes up his hair and twists home self around.

    The bartender says 'hold on, are you a piece of string'

    The string answers 'nah mate. Frayed knot'.
     
  3. the_lyall

    the_lyall Telepathetic

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    What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
     
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  4. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    What's the difference between a pianist and a penis?

    One sits down and tickles the ivories; the other stands up and tickles the ovaries.
     
  5. callasabra

    callasabra Tele-Afflicted

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    Post #183 of this thread?
     
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  6. RoyBGood

    RoyBGood Doctor of Teleocity

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    Personal ad from a Monty Python spoof of a newspaper small ad section, personals:

    ARTHUR PENIS
    wishes it be known that
    he has changed his name.
    He will now be known as
    ART PENIS
     
  7. callasabra

    callasabra Tele-Afflicted

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    pun-less?
     
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  8. callasabra

    callasabra Tele-Afflicted

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    John is hit by a bus while crossing Oxford Street of Westminster and goes to hell. Lost, he wanders for what feels like an eternity before encountering a very smug looking bald-headed man. John runs to him and says "Oh Thank God I Found You! I am going through hell and I am lost." The man replied, "When your going through hell, son, I suggest you just keep going."

    "Sir." John continued, "I don't deserve to be here. I was hit by a bus whilst crossing the street." The man replied, "We more often get what we ask for, than what we deserve."

    "But Sir..." John pleaded, "I am barrister (British lawyer) working on a very important case involving salacious crimes against children and I had all of the evidence in my briefcase. When the bus struck me, all of my papers and photos were scattered in the Street. I will be forever remembered as an abhorrent pervert!"

    The man solemnly replied, "Aw, that is terrible. History will not be as kind to you as it is to me for I had to the foresight to write it."

    John, frustrated and confused, "If you wrote history, then why are you in hell?"

    The Man, "When I died of a stroke, I was ready to meet my maker, and now I am just waiting for my Maker to be ready to meet me."


    Who is The Man?
     
  9. richiek65

    richiek65 Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Deleted
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2017
  10. dlew919

    dlew919 Doctor of Teleocity

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    Could it be the defendant in the case?
     
  11. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    A pregnant woman is shot by a drive by shooter, miraculously, not only does she survive, but so do all three of her triplets. All three of the triplets were born while still having a bullet still in them, that was never taken out. When the triplets were about seven years old, one day one them came running to his momma as said, mommy, I went to the bathroom and a bullet came out. Momma says, oh good, we always hoped that would happen.

    The next day, the second triplet had the same experience as was assured by his momma everything was okay. Then the last triplet came to his momma crying his heart out. Momma says whatsamatter little darlin'? He replies momma I didn't mean to but we had all of them beans the other night, and I farted and shot the cat deader than a door nail!
     
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  12. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    How does a redneck couple switch the light on afterwards?

    They kick open the car door.
     
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  13. 8barlouie

    8barlouie Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    Two peanuts were walking through the woods. One was a salted.

    Horse walks into a bar. Bartender comes over and says, "Why the long face?"
     
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  14. a_pidgeon

    a_pidgeon Tele-Meister

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    How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Just two, but how they got in there beats me...
     
  15. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    How many Essex girls does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

    None. Essex girls screw in cars.
     
  16. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    How many bass-players does it take to change a light-bulb?

    None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.


    How many Country bass-players does it take to change a light-bulb?

    One...five...one...five...
     
  17. RoyBGood

    RoyBGood Doctor of Teleocity

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    How many steps did it take J. Strauss to change a lightbulb?

    1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3...
     
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  18. w3stie

    w3stie Poster Extraordinaire

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    How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

    One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
     
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  19. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    How many Country singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

    Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to write and perform a song about how great the old light-bulb was and how much they'll miss it.
     
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  20. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    How many girl singers does it take to change a light-bulb?

    Never happen. She'll just stand there holding the bulb and wait, expecting the world to revolve around her.


    How many Rock guitar players does it take to change a light-bulb?

    Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to stand there watching with their arms folded, thinking "I could do it faster and better."
     
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