Imperfect rhyme

Discussion in 'The Writers' Block' started by Dave Hicks, Aug 13, 2020.

  1. Dave Hicks

    Dave Hicks Tele-Afflicted

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    How do you feel about false rhymes, like those below?

    I (obviously) rather like them, but are they too loose for most of you?

    D.H.



    I woke up one day

    And became invisible

    The doing, strange to say

    Really was quite simple

    Easier than flying

    Now that’s an art

    Harder than dying

    At least in part


    Sounds like a fantasy

    Like dream, imagination

    Like leaving the galaxy

    Like obliteration

    It’s not ultraviolet

    (Bees can’t see you)

    It’s more like silence

    Photons unissued


    The world is naked

    To the invisible eye

    No need to fake it

    Watch it all pass by
     
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  2. chulaivet1966

    chulaivet1966 Tele-Afflicted

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    Howdy Dave....

    In all my subjectivity? :)
    "Invisible" to "siimple" and "Ultraviolet" to "silence" are "too loose" for me.
    Maybe if each of those false rhymes were different words that had the same amount of syllables and I heard the vocal melody in a song I'd feel differently.

    From my personal song writing perspective....a song needs to have rhymes pretty closely matched.
    Along with each line's vocal phrasing....that is what makes a song sound lyrical and interesting. (obviously, I don't care to hear/read poetry)

    Otherwise is just sounds like prose with a music bed.....which is dull and does not interest me at all.

    That's my take....but, I have been wrong in the past. :)

    A good day to all....
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2020
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  3. catdaddy

    catdaddy Tele-Afflicted

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    Personally, I'm good with all of them. I like the lyric.
     
  4. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    I'm fine with songs that don't rhyme at all.
     
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  5. Dave Hicks

    Dave Hicks Tele-Afflicted

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    Well... how about this for the ultraviolet/silence bit

    I does no violence
    To natural law
    No more than silence
    Or ice when it thaws
     
  6. Dave Hicks

    Dave Hicks Tele-Afflicted

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    Thanks for checking it out.

    D.H.
     
  7. Dave Hicks

    Dave Hicks Tele-Afflicted

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    It took me years to notice that Rod Stewart's "Mandolin Wind" hardly rhymes at all - just a couple of lines here and there.

    D.H.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2020
  8. fretWalkr

    fretWalkr Tele-Meister

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    I think they're fine, some are better than fine.
    I adhere to the songwriting rule "there are no rules."

    A couple of days ago I recorded a lead track for a friend's cover of Delbert McClinton's "When Rita Leaves." I had never heard the song but I was thinking how great the lyrics are, telling a complete story that draws you in to the situation.

    So I took a look at the lyrics to study them a bit because I admire a good writer and story teller. I found a lot of what I call near rhymes, some kind of loose. And the rhyming scheme across the verses was also loose. But it doesn't really matter because of the emotional impact of the song. He makes it work and anyone would be crazy to change a word.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2020
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  9. Dave Hicks

    Dave Hicks Tele-Afflicted

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    Thanks! So far I've got the setup, but pretty soon I'm going to have to decide where this story comes down.

    D.H.
     
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  10. chulaivet1966

    chulaivet1966 Tele-Afflicted

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    Yes...."violence" & "silence" works just fine for my ears.

    As previously stated, in this context, when it comes down to it I always say...."creative license does not require adhering to any rules".

    Keep up the good work.

    Back to it....
     
  11. Dave Hicks

    Dave Hicks Tele-Afflicted

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    It turned into this.

    It still has some dodgy rhymes for several reasons: 1. I'm lazy. 2. It's based on a preposterous situation, so some out rhymes seem appropriate. 3. I set a trap (created a puzzle?) for myself by using a verse format with short lines and usually only 2 stressed syllables in each. It was hard to fit in the ideas I wanted and make it all tight. (Also see #1.)

    D.H.

     
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  12. Charlie Bernstein

    Charlie Bernstein Poster Extraordinaire

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    That's not rhyme. That's assonance.

    Lyrics don't have to rhyme. Yours are just fine.
     
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  13. drmordo

    drmordo Tele-Meister

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    I like the original version just the way it was. To me, lyrics get too childish sounding and distracting when they rhyme perfectly, so my goal is just to get close - much like your lyrics.
     
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  14. Charlie Bernstein

    Charlie Bernstein Poster Extraordinaire

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    Ugh. You'd hate my stuff. Childish? You bet!
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2020
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  15. tfarny

    tfarny Friend of Leo's

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    Nothing wrong with your near_rhymes/assonance at all. All perfect rhyme limits you lyrically, you often end up with cliches. And Shetland a certain style you don't always want. I like your lyrics.
     
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  16. Wyzsard

    Wyzsard Friend of Leo's

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    Perfect rhymes work when they do ( not forced for the sake of it)

    Near rhymes work when they do as well.

    Jmo
     
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  17. Dave Hicks

    Dave Hicks Tele-Afflicted

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    Thanks to everyone for your comments.

    Here's where it wound up (or how it was when I recorded it, anyway):

    The Life Invisible



    E Asus2/C#

    I woke up one day

    Dsus4 A E

    And became invisible

    E Asus2/C#

    But strange to say

    Dsus4 A E

    It really was quite simple

    C#m B A

    It’s easier than flying

    C#m B A

    Now that’s an art

    C#m B A

    It’s harder than dying

    C#m B

    At least in part



    Sounds like a fantasy

    Like dreams, imagination

    Like leaving the galaxy

    Like obliteration

    It does no violence

    To natural laws

    No more than silence

    Or ice when it thaws



    D G

    It’s not a burden, it causes no pain

    D G

    A little is lost, but much is gained

    D G

    The world is naked to the invisible eye

    Bm A G

    Just watch it all pass by



    SOLO



    CHORUS



    I know what you’re thinking

    But I never, never peep

    It’s not about looking

    It’s about going unseen

    Invisibility

    Is not some curse

    It’s gives the ability to

    Avoid the worst



    I woke up one day

    Saw it all In a different light

    And faded away

    From the empire of sight

    It’s not ultraviolet

    Bees can’t see you

    It’s more like silence

    Photons unissued
     
  18. jondanger

    jondanger Poster Extraordinaire Ad Free Member

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    A couple things I like about this song. The phrasing is pretty loose, but you tighten it up at the end of some of the phrases. When you get to “just watch it all pass by” that phrase just rolls out so easy, it’s a ribbon on the package. The chord changes are nice. Familiar feeling with a couple surprises. Nice balance.

    A lot of the phrasing/melody reminds me of Tom Verlaine from Television. Obviously that is GOOD. Is it mostly the fifths, or that combined with the looseness? Not sure, but it’s cool. The more conversational you can be in your performance the better with a song like this.



    There is at least one platitude in here that I’d be tempted to rephrase. “Little is lost, but much is gained” - there are two instances of passive voice here, and additionally it’s a phrase that everyone knows. I think much is gained (hahahaha) by changing that to “little is lost, but look what you gain.” Also you have a double entendre with the invisibility theme by using the word “look.” Just a little suggestion.
     
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  19. scottser

    scottser Friend of Leo's

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    rhymes shouldn't be too obvious, or you're into kanye territory.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2020
  20. jondanger

    jondanger Poster Extraordinaire Ad Free Member

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    Oh I almost forgot - I have had this exact conversation with my wife before. I remember reading something about asking people if they would rather be able to fly or to be invisible, and people who would choose to fly are magnanimous and elegant, while those who would choose to be invisible are, and I quote (a phrase I’ll never forget) “crouching masturbators.”

    I would always choose invisibility for the exact reasons that you discuss in the song - it’s analogous to anonymity. It’s not to be creepy, it’s to be blissfully ignored. It’s so people will leave me alone!

    I guess I’m just glad SOMEBODY gets it.
     
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