I'm a bad person

Tele-friend

Tele-Afflicted
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Posts
1,330
Location
EU
You are not a bad person @cometazzi you are being honest to yourself.
The only thing I would suggest is to also be honest to your friends and politely respond to them how you feel or if you dont want to see them or hang out with them.
 

Tonetele

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Jun 2, 2009
Posts
10,602
Location
South Australia
I live way across town from relatives and close friends. I don't mind my own company and hate ( literally ) unannounced visits. I cope well enough.
 

cometazzi

Friend of Leo's
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Joined
Dec 3, 2019
Posts
2,511
Location
Wisconsin, Das Land von Käse und Bier
Thanks everyone. A couple of things I should note:

1) I'm 48 and single. I could start a whole thread and discussion on the 'single' part but I'll save it.

2) I am an introvert. Often people confuse that with 'shy', but that's not the case. I do have a social need and I do enjoy being around people to some extent. It used to be interacting with co-workers during the 8-10 hour work day was just the right amount. I mostly work from home now and mostly interact with people virtually (both friends and co-workers).

2) It's nothing about THIS particular guy that made me want to stay in. He's a truly good dude- a give you the shirt of his back type, and all that. I do this with all the friends equally, though.

3) I probably would have been bored going to the arcade, but the place isn't really a factor. It doesn't matter what I'm invited to, be it arcades, jam sessions, bonfires, etc. It just doesn't sound appealing to me and I don't know why.

Is it lack of ultimate control over my immediate environment? I don't know. Often times I've forced myself to go do whatever it is I'm invited to, and I've enjoyed it. I remind myself of this every time but yet it's rare that I actually do it. Meanwhile, I can chat with anyone all day and all night virtually, via Google Chat, IRC, Signal, whatever.
 

johnny k

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Jan 15, 2011
Posts
11,088
Location
France
Thanks everyone. A couple of things I should note:

1) I'm 48 and single. I could start a whole thread and discussion on the 'single' part but I'll save it.

2) I am an introvert. Often people confuse that with 'shy', but that's not the case. I do have a social need and I do enjoy being around people to some extent. It used to be interacting with co-workers during the 8-10 hour work day was just the right amount. I mostly work from home now and mostly interact with people virtually (both friends and co-workers).

2) It's nothing about THIS particular guy that made me want to stay in. He's a truly good dude- a give you the shirt of his back type, and all that. I do this with all the friends equally, though.

3) I probably would have been bored going to the arcade, but the place isn't really a factor. It doesn't matter what I'm invited to, be it arcades, jam sessions, bonfires, etc. It just doesn't sound appealing to me and I don't know why.

Is it lack of ultimate control over my immediate environment? I don't know. Often times I've forced myself to go do whatever it is I'm invited to, and I've enjoyed it. I remind myself of this every time but yet it's rare that I actually do it. Meanwhile, I can chat with anyone all day and all night virtually, via Google Chat, IRC, Signal, whatever.
you have got to admit, most people are boring. have you ever heard them chat around a cup of coffee ?
edit we are wired differently. But i recognize myself in your description.
 

Charlie Bernstein

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Apr 26, 2003
Posts
11,498
Location
Augusta, Maine
I'm turning into a hermit.

Earlier tonight (around 5pm) a work friend texted my phone and noted he wanted to go to a local retro arcade, was looking for someone to bring along. This was totally out of the blue, and I was in the middle of something, so I ignored the text. I figured he'd find someone else. Later he called, and I missed the call because I was out of the room at the time. It went to voicemail. I didn't call him back.

This isn't new, it's a pattern I'm seeing in myself. Friends invite me to do things, and I either decline or play "I didn't see it". I don't know why I do this, it's some sort of anxiety thing I guess. This pre-dates the pandemic, so that's not it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep reading that the older you get, the harder it is to find and maintain friendships. I think I'm setting myself up for serious loneliness, but at the same time I just don't want to go out and do stuff with people anymore. I don't know why.
I wouldn't worry about it at all. The world would be a better place if more of us were hermits.

Just hang onto the friendships you want, and let the rest go. Life is short, and shorter every day. No need to waste time you don't want to waste.

That doesn't mean being rude, unkind, or dishonest. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Thanks but no thanks."
 

Charlie Bernstein

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Apr 26, 2003
Posts
11,498
Location
Augusta, Maine
Thanks everyone. A couple of things I should note:

1) I'm 48 and single. I could start a whole thread and discussion on the 'single' part but I'll save it.
A proud club. I didn't get married until my fifties. Glad I did, but I'd be fine today if I hadn't.
2) I am an introvert.
Same here.
Often people confuse that with 'shy', but that's not the case.
No, indeed!
I do have a social need and I do enjoy being around people to some extent.
No one is 100% introvert or extrovert.
It used to be interacting with co-workers during the 8-10 hour work day was just the right amount. I mostly work from home now and mostly interact with people virtually (both friends and co-workers).

2) It's nothing about THIS particular guy that made me want to stay in. He's a truly good dude- a give you the shirt of his back type, and all that. I do this with all the friends equally, though.
Seems fair.
3) I probably would have been bored going to the arcade, but the place isn't really a factor. It doesn't matter what I'm invited to, be it arcades, jam sessions, bonfires, etc. It just doesn't sound appealing to me and I don't know why.
No need for a reason. If you don't feel like going, don't go. How hard can that be?
Is it lack of ultimate control over my immediate environment? I don't know. Often times I've forced myself to go do whatever it is I'm invited to, and I've enjoyed it. I remind myself of this every time but yet it's rare that I actually do it. Meanwhile, I can chat with anyone all day and all night virtually, via Google Chat, IRC, Signal, whatever.
Hm. Don't confuse social media with real interaction. It's not. At best it's a time suck, at worst an addiction. For lots more on the subject, check out Johann Hari's Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention — and How to Think Deeply Again.
 

Engine Swap

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Nov 28, 2014
Posts
3,729
Location
Chicago
I think everyone needs “alone” time to some degree and it’s good for recharging your batteries.

I did have a friend in college who couldn’t bear being alone. He had a girlfriend, but if she was busy he’d want to hang all the time. He’d call me and if I didn’t answer, he stop by. I tried to give him hints, but eventually had to cut him off.
 

arlum

Friend of Leo's
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Joined
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Posts
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68
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O'Fallon, MO
When your friends stop calling you may have a change of heart. Sometimes kindness requires us to go out of our way.
 

Mjark

Doctor of Teleocity
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Joined
Feb 14, 2011
Posts
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71
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Annapolis, MD
I’m 71 and I enjoy being with my friends. Do we go out at night and shot pool? No. I had lunch yesterday with one. I’ll see a bunch for coffee tomorrow morning.

We’re going to Williamsburg for a few days next month with another couple.

Everyone needs the society of other people. That’s why we’re posting here.
 

imwjl

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Mar 21, 2007
Posts
13,400
Location
My mom's basement.
Interesting thread. Do what makes you happy.
That comes to mind but I do see lines drawn that mark health and unhealthy being.

The way my wife and one of the 3 kids are wired I totally understand some don't like but also don't need the social activity that is generally good. Now in my 60s I've also seen many in my life cross a line where not doing the social activities is unhealthy.

I will offer this as an overall good way. Being near 20s years into healthier life style changes I'm not going back to some sorts of social meet ups, but outdoor sports and community volunteering keeps the important dynamics going.
 

Trenchant63

Tele-Meister
Joined
Oct 23, 2022
Posts
201
Age
59
Location
Detroit, MI
I'm turning into a hermit.

Earlier tonight (around 5pm) a work friend texted my phone and noted he wanted to go to a local retro arcade, was looking for someone to bring along. This was totally out of the blue, and I was in the middle of something, so I ignored the text. I figured he'd find someone else. Later he called, and I missed the call because I was out of the room at the time. It went to voicemail. I didn't call him back.

This isn't new, it's a pattern I'm seeing in myself. Friends invite me to do things, and I either decline or play "I didn't see it". I don't know why I do this, it's some sort of anxiety thing I guess. This pre-dates the pandemic, so that's not it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep reading that the older you get, the harder it is to find and maintain friendships. I think I'm setting myself up for serious loneliness, but at the same time I just don't want to go out and do stuff with people anymore. I don't know why.
It’s not unusual. I have an older family member who lost a spouse and has self isolated not wanting to go out or have anyone even stop despite saying “I’m ok - just not ready to go out”, “have to get some stuff done”. It’s been about six months and we talk often on phone and and joke around so I don’t think the family member is despondent. My advice is to push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit and accept some of these invitations to keep these friendships going. I’ve let some friendships lapse due to distance on the other side of town and have seen less interest from them. Friendships take some investment (for lack of a better term) and they will fade away if one sided. Also, some light volunteer work would be good to keep your social interactions going - they’re critical to keep you positive. I hope the best for you.
 

tery

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Sep 21, 2012
Posts
13,948
Location
Tennessee
Thanks everyone. A couple of things I should note:

1) I'm 48 and single. I could start a whole thread and discussion on the 'single' part but I'll save it.

2) I am an introvert. Often people confuse that with 'shy', but that's not the case. I do have a social need and I do enjoy being around people to some extent. It used to be interacting with co-workers during the 8-10 hour work day was just the right amount. I mostly work from home now and mostly interact with people virtually (both friends and co-workers).

2) It's nothing about THIS particular guy that made me want to stay in. He's a truly good dude- a give you the shirt of his back type, and all that. I do this with all the friends equally, though.

3) I probably would have been bored going to the arcade, but the place isn't really a factor. It doesn't matter what I'm invited to, be it arcades, jam sessions, bonfires, etc. It just doesn't sound appealing to me and I don't know why.

Is it lack of ultimate control over my immediate environment? I don't know. Often times I've forced myself to go do whatever it is I'm invited to, and I've enjoyed it. I remind myself of this every time but yet it's rare that I actually do it. Meanwhile, I can chat with anyone all day and all night virtually, via Google Chat, IRC, Signal, whatever.

Thats OK.
 

Mike Eskimo

Telefied
Ad Free Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2008
Posts
23,838
Location
Detroit
I'm turning into a hermit.

Earlier tonight (around 5pm) a work friend texted my phone and noted he wanted to go to a local retro arcade, was looking for someone to bring along. This was totally out of the blue, and I was in the middle of something, so I ignored the text. I figured he'd find someone else. Later he called, and I missed the call because I was out of the room at the time. It went to voicemail. I didn't call him back.

This isn't new, it's a pattern I'm seeing in myself. Friends invite me to do things, and I either decline or play "I didn't see it". I don't know why I do this, it's some sort of anxiety thing I guess. This pre-dates the pandemic, so that's not it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep reading that the older you get, the harder it is to find and maintain friendships. I think I'm setting myself up for serious loneliness, but at the same time I just don't want to go out and do stuff with people anymore. I don't know why.

Just say NO.

I saw this movie on cable right after it came out. And besides being one of the better Jim Carrey movies, even though no one ever thinks about it, I let it change my life.

Long story short, for about a year and a half after I saw that movie , I basically just said “yes” to any offer to do some thing social or offer assistance or anything.

Because, in my late 40s, I realized I hadn’t had any social life outside of my immediate family. And even then, I would say no to doing social activities with my wife.(“No, you go, we don’t have to get a sitter, I’ll just watch Gus…”)

After the first couple of months, it got to be reflexive where I would almost jump the gun if someone said, “hey you wanna go to that show for that really weird band ?” I would just immediately say yes no matter if they had even told me who the band was.

After a year and a half my life was waaaaay better.

Seriously.

I joined a band, met a load of people, and did things I could tell stories about.

You know, when you see somebody you haven’t seen in a long time and they say “hey man, so what have you been up to ?”

Don’t you wanna actually have things to tell them? Other than just “I don’t know , not much”…

 

8bit

Tele-Meister
Joined
Aug 9, 2021
Posts
146
Location
Tennessee
Thanks everyone. A couple of things I should note:

1) I'm 48 and single. I could start a whole thread and discussion on the 'single' part but I'll save it.

2) I am an introvert. Often people confuse that with 'shy', but that's not the case. I do have a social need and I do enjoy being around people to some extent. It used to be interacting with co-workers during the 8-10 hour work day was just the right amount. I mostly work from home now and mostly interact with people virtually (both friends and co-workers).

2) It's nothing about THIS particular guy that made me want to stay in. He's a truly good dude- a give you the shirt of his back type, and all that. I do this with all the friends equally, though.

3) I probably would have been bored going to the arcade, but the place isn't really a factor. It doesn't matter what I'm invited to, be it arcades, jam sessions, bonfires, etc. It just doesn't sound appealing to me and I don't know why.

Is it lack of ultimate control over my immediate environment? I don't know. Often times I've forced myself to go do whatever it is I'm invited to, and I've enjoyed it. I remind myself of this every time but yet it's rare that I actually do it. Meanwhile, I can chat with anyone all day and all night virtually, via Google Chat, IRC, Signal, whatever.
Honestly it does sound like some form of social anxiety. I struggle with the same thing. Throughout my 20s and early 30s I kinda alienated myself due to anxiety. And lost a lot of friends in the process. Or lost touch anyway.

But one day I had enough. Even though I'm an introvert/loner/blahblahblah, I knew it just wasn't psychologically healthy to live that way. You can still be an introvert and that's all fine and dandy. But we are a communal/tribal species. Deep down we do crave connection with other human beings. AND most importantly, we are happier for it.

In my case I just make it a point to force myself outside of my comfort zone. I got into jiu jitsu, which believe it or not is actually a great community full of introverts and oddballs. I've made a lot of friends there. Also I make it a point to call that old friend I haven't talked to in awhile. Or invite that friend I haven't hung with in a few months for a beer.

I feel happier for it. And like a more complete person. I'm still an introvert with loner tendencies. But just like we have to practice our rhythm, scales, etc, so too we can practice our social skills. The more you grease that groove the easier it gets.

But to each their own I suppose. However I just think a life without friends is never going to be as good as a life with them. And to me there's nothing more sad or scary than being a lonely old man looking for a friend and coming up empty. Like another poster said earlier, eventually those friends will stop calling.
 

sloppychops

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Nov 16, 2010
Posts
2,239
Location
wisconsin
I'm pretty much a hermit, too. I (mostly) enjoy the company of a few people at work and chit-chats with a couple people in my neighborhood, but we don't "hang out" or socialize. I have one semi-friend I'll occasionally hang out with, but that's it.

Sometimes I think I should make an effort to "get out there" and try to make some friends or "meet a girl", but I never do. I'm single with a son away at school, so my biological imperative to reproduce has been completed. Most of the time, I'd rather stay home and play guitar, read news stories, watch movies, or cook.

Yeah, I sometimes think I have antisocial tendencies, but I never felt like I fit in anywhere so why start trying now.

Hey, OP, we should hang out sometime!

Or not.
 

DaddyG

Tele-Meister
Joined
Oct 25, 2012
Posts
478
Location
Norton, Ohio
Wow, I thought I was the only one. I am so glad this subject came up in the way it did. I too find that I'm getting somewhat tired of socializing because there are so many things that I enjoy that others that I know do not enjoy. I have never had the fear of being alone mainly because there are so many things that I like to do and I get more done. Yesterday a cousin of mine that I like a lot just showed up unannounced and wants to sit and repeat the same old stuff but he always repeats because this man cannot be alone. Well I'm ready to clean my gutters and mulch my leaves in my huge yard and tell him I've got to get this work done. It doesn't faze him because he doesn't do any work and so I tell him I'm going to have to get it done come back later. Well he then cops a small attitude and I think what did I do wrong? I really do like people but I don't see them as a 24/7 necessity. My girlfriend is very social, but she only wants to be around her family, well I find most of them very boring. They probably find me the same way. But to me these people have no interest other than what's on TV current popular culture which means fast foods and going to movies or going to bars that are popular in the area. Well they don't understand that I'm older and have done those things ad nauseam, they no longer work for me and as eternity is moving faster I want to use my time the way I want to use it. My girlfriend agrees with me, what a wonderful lady she is. She is a person that I can spend time with and be totally happy doing anything and she is a little bit adventurous. That's us, most of the people that I know put boundaries around themselves in a comfort zone that they've been in their whole life. So I'm happy with doing this, I don't like to do things just to make someone else happy because they won't do it for me and that's fine.
 

elihu

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Dec 24, 2009
Posts
11,464
Location
Texas
I'm turning into a hermit.

Earlier tonight (around 5pm) a work friend texted my phone and noted he wanted to go to a local retro arcade, was looking for someone to bring along. This was totally out of the blue, and I was in the middle of something, so I ignored the text. I figured he'd find someone else. Later he called, and I missed the call because I was out of the room at the time. It went to voicemail. I didn't call him back.

This isn't new, it's a pattern I'm seeing in myself. Friends invite me to do things, and I either decline or play "I didn't see it". I don't know why I do this, it's some sort of anxiety thing I guess. This pre-dates the pandemic, so that's not it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep reading that the older you get, the harder it is to find and maintain friendships. I think I'm setting myself up for serious loneliness, but at the same time I just don't want to go out and do stuff with people anymore. I don't know why.
Well, I read your whole post and the first thing I thought was that maybe you just didn’t feel like playing arcade games.
 
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