I'm a bad person

cometazzi

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Wisconsin, Das Land von Käse und Bier
I'm turning into a hermit.

Earlier tonight (around 5pm) a work friend texted my phone and noted he wanted to go to a local retro arcade, was looking for someone to bring along. This was totally out of the blue, and I was in the middle of something, so I ignored the text. I figured he'd find someone else. Later he called, and I missed the call because I was out of the room at the time. It went to voicemail. I didn't call him back.

This isn't new, it's a pattern I'm seeing in myself. Friends invite me to do things, and I either decline or play "I didn't see it". I don't know why I do this, it's some sort of anxiety thing I guess. This pre-dates the pandemic, so that's not it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep reading that the older you get, the harder it is to find and maintain friendships. I think I'm setting myself up for serious loneliness, but at the same time I just don't want to go out and do stuff with people anymore. I don't know why.
 

1955

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Apr 10, 2010
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11,703
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I’m just honest with people about what I can and can’t do. There are seasons that I’ve had time, and there are times that I didn’t. It is easier to just be direct and tell everyone upfront that I don’t do a lot of extracurricular activities.

I miss seeing lots of people, but I know my own limits. When compelled to go along with other people’s popular rituals, it is only for a much greater good, but it drains me in large doses.

I truly love people, but what seems to be good and enjoyable for many other people is very unhealthy for me. Every now and then I take one for the team, but it is very rare that my own wishes are taken into consideration, only because I am the weirdo I guess.
 

kuch

Friend of Leo's
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Sep 30, 2011
Posts
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Great Northwest
I don't think it's a problem if you don't feel like going anywhere after you're home after work. I try to be up front with people and let them know I'm not interested.
 

Manual Slim

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Mar 21, 2017
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around the way
Knowing what you don't want to do doesn't seem like a bad thing to me.

Today when I was walking to the store I was met by a former neighbor who has fallen on hard times. We talked for a little while and he expressed an interest in "hanging out". I truthfully told him that though it was nice to see him, he happened to catch me on a good day and I don't typically "hang out".
It's perfectly fine to know your boundaries and stick to them.
You may be a bad person but I don't think not wanting to hang out is a contributing factor.
 

TeleTucson

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Aug 6, 2016
Posts
2,130
Location
Tucson, AZ
I'm turning into a hermit.

Earlier tonight (around 5pm) a work friend texted my phone and noted he wanted to go to a local retro arcade, was looking for someone to bring along. This was totally out of the blue, and I was in the middle of something, so I ignored the text. I figured he'd find someone else. Later he called, and I missed the call because I was out of the room at the time. It went to voicemail. I didn't call him back.

This isn't new, it's a pattern I'm seeing in myself. Friends invite me to do things, and I either decline or play "I didn't see it". I don't know why I do this, it's some sort of anxiety thing I guess. This pre-dates the pandemic, so that's not it.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep reading that the older you get, the harder it is to find and maintain friendships. I think I'm setting myself up for serious loneliness, but at the same time I just don't want to go out and do stuff with people anymore. I don't know why.

Isolating yourself, IMO, is probably a defensive posture to being frustrated or angry with your situation. I find that the best way to manage through frustration is with humor, and it's hard to find humor by yourself. Venturing out with an objective to share some humor will likely be more uplifting than you appreciate when you're in isolation.
 

lowatter

Tele-Afflicted
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Posts
1,054
Location
SC
I'm 62. You don't mention how old you are. Even after meeting my wife and marrying her 21 years ago, I don't feel the need to be with anyone else but with her because we are as one and times that I did try to go out and do things without her, it just never felt right. There's a reason that I married her and I never feel like I'm/we're hermits...we both just would rather stay home and out of this crazy world by choice. Again, we are as one.
 

ChicknPickn

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Apr 16, 2007
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Coastal Virginia
There is an idea about maintaining mental health called “contrary action.” We have a sense that our impulses are incorrect and rationalize our lack of correct response. When we act against these wrong impulses, we realize a benefit. Often taught in rehab centers. Also typical of those who dread discipline such as regular exercise.
 

brookdalebill

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Nov 15, 2009
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Austin, Tx
I’m there too, amigo.
My work (that I love) is social.
Alas, I am not.
I am feeling the years, miles, and collateral damage of a man my age.
I play music with friends for almost every kind of celebration and gathering known to North American civilization.
I think it’s what keeps me alive.
I’m not difficult or surly (I hope), but I never go out and hear music, watch movies, shoot pool, bowl, fish, or go on dates anymore.
Wah, wah, boo-hoo, I know.
Like Madeleine Kahn sang in Blazing Saddles, “I’m tired.”
However you and I are not bad people.
We have just earned the right to chill.
 
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Cesspit

Tele-Afflicted
Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Posts
1,023
Location
Oxfordshire England
I am worse than that. I don't have friends, never have . Hundreds of acquaintances who have any been co workers but I ever see any socially. I'm not a miserable or depressive type,I just find it terribly hard to get on with people and it has got worse as I've got older.
I enjoy my own company, simple as that.
 

loopfinding

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europe endless
Part of the problem is that I’m single with no kids (and keeping it that way) and a night owl. I prefer to stay in and work on projects or practice til about midnight, then go out for some drinks until closing time, and that works best for me.

Every year the amount of people staying at the bar decreases, the outings get earlier, and get togethers feel more like adult playdates that I’m not entirely welcome at. At this point it is worse to change my habits and rhythm than it is to not compromise on them.
 
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Nightclub Dwight

Friend of Leo's
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Aug 12, 2016
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Pittsburgh
You should have called @blowtorch. He's easy going and always up for stuff like this. Maybe.

*actually, he is our resident curmudgeon, but I thought he might be in your neck of the woods. Worth a shot. As long as you are prepared for the nope.

In all honesty, the older I get, the mores selective I am with my recreational time. Don't be too hard on yourself.
 

hopdybob

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May 28, 2008
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Location
netherlands
you alone know what kind of life, and the pace you live it, fits you.
now with all kinds of distraction, whatsapp, twitter, internet etc. it does not hurt to say to the other that you want more charge over your time and what you want to do with it.
i personally leave the phone at home if i can, not internet by phone, only wifi.

i look around me, yesterday in the center of our town.
lots of people walking and face down to that little piece of electronic that WANTs your attention.

like a little egocentric child that never grows up and want all of you.

take charge over you live and just answer no when you don't want to.
 

playforfun

Tele-Afflicted
Joined
Feb 25, 2013
Posts
1,625
Location
Luna Louisiana
I take the call or return the text but generally I decline the offer. I enjoy staying in with my wife watching TV or just talking nonsense. The band keeps me busy enough and I love being on stage. I think I’m an introvert/extrovert. When I am out in a crowd I almost feel like it’s my responsibility to make sure everyone is having fun, that can be taxing. If I don’t wanna go out with friends I tell them I don’t want to go, may seem Like I’m a jerk but I think they appreciate my honesty. Now if someone needs help I’ll stop whatever I’m doing and help them, just the way I am and have needed help myself from time to time so I know how that feels. I do believe we should make an effort to have some kind of social life but I ain’t no butterfly.
 

Hodgo88

Tele-Holic
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Feb 10, 2021
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Eastern Oregon
You don't like the way I'm living?* Just leave this long haired country boy alone

*Does not apply in cases of self-loathing and self-pity
 




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