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Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Birdmankustomz, Aug 6, 2009.
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Very well said, getbent.
Take that one to the bank, Birdman.
your openly questioning if you can live with her is telling, but not because of the smoking. Her smoking is just a metaphore for something else that really matters to you in this relationship. You've got to search your soul for why you are afraid to act on the other thing that really bothers you. Is that other thing her race (family) , her religion, or her view of finances. These may be the top three reasons why people are incompatible, but there can be something else.
You know the real reason you brought this up, and you don't have to tell us, but be honest with yourself, and honor her. She deserves it (unless its the felon in her you despise).
You said, "How can something so small and insignificant come between us."
It is significant, because you are making it significant, and obviously too you, this is no small thing.
But really, from my outside perspective, this has more to do about control. IMHO, it sounds like you are trying to control her smoking, and the only one that can do that, is her.
If this is a "big" issue for you, how are you going to handle it, when one of you are sick, injured, lost a job, cant pay the bills, having kids (there's a biggie!), dealing with sick kids, dealing with the budget (number one reason for divorce these days), and on, and on, and on.......
Both of you have flaws, and more than one flaw, for sure. So lets just say, she confronts this one flaw, and kicks it to the side, because she loves you.
Then you notice, that she eats lots of red meat, and hardly any vegetables/fruits, and she really likes fried foods. Well, you say to yourself, that aint healthy, and shes just hurting herself, and I'm afraid she wont be here for the long haul, and so you get her to change that.
Then its, "She sucks air between her teeth", or "Shes a reckless driver imho", or, "She never goes to the gym and works out", or, "She is too close too her mom", or, .........
After a while, she says, "Screw this! I'm my own person!", and your left with a bitter memory.
Marriage is saying, "I accept you for all your good parts, and all your bad parts. I like you for who you are, and we get along." To come in after the "I Do's", and say, "well, you know this about you? Yeah, that aint gonna work, your gonna have to change", is a sure fire way to increase a Lawyers income.
Dating (which is where you are still at), is basically a process of elimination: You are eliminating those people that do not fit the bill for you. Only you know what you like, you can tolerate, and what you cannot stand. If you kick these parameters to the curb, and simply go, "BUT I LOVE HER SOOOOOO MUCH!", you are pretty much guaranteeing, that one morning, you will wake up and go, "Why did I marry this person?"
I mean, if she really needs to have a funny guy that can make her laugh, and you are not funny too her, it aint gonna work. If you need someone that puts there health as a top priority, and she aint that concerned about it, again, that aint gonna work.
I know the emotions are ruling the thought process right now, and emotions are good, but in there right time and place. When they say, "I'm kicking logic to the ground, I'm making a leap of faith, based on my emotions!", Thats when later on, you awake from the dream your emotions crafted, into the nightmare you created.
Sorry if I'm being a downer: You did ask for opinions.
as someone who works at a college and sees this kind of thing often, You're 18 go out and have some fun while you can.
And I'm recently married for the first time at age 47, took me that long to find her. Take your time, my wife and I have it easy because we've worked out most of our personal issues a long time ago. Unfortunately growing up and maturing takes time.
And seriously college is an incredible time of your life, you should be as unencumbered as possible and take advantage of every opportunity, not just talking women here what about Junior Year abroad? Ok maybe I was talking about women.
+1000 from someone who quit smoking less than 2 years ago. You nailed it!
If she's motivated, and knows it hurts you enough, maybe...
Our thing: Last Summer, it was my feeling that my girlfriend (Suzie Q.) was the one. Then after about a month of dating bliss, I told her it would be too difficult for me to be with her with a lifetime of smoking. Suzie had already told me she wanted to quit. Wow, She quit cold, and we're in a new, smoke-free townhouse (professional cleaning on her furniture), and she's never felt tempted to pick 'em up, since. We've been together for a year this week-one year 'til the wedding (we're on the knowing each other two years before plan-my idea.) Hope you two can make it work in a similar way. BTW, you guys will love her when you meet her at one of the TDPRI gatherings in the future.
Awesome! Early on, you guys expressed clearly what you were looking for and liked, and it was in you both.
And a big BRAVO!, for taking your time, and walking down to the altar together! Thats great!
Boundaries are good. If she manages to quit, then good for both of you. However, if she cannot it doesn't mean that you have to live in the middle of it. It is quite common for smokers to only smoke outside or limit where and how much they smoke.
Is smoking a deal breaker for you? Sure, you love here, etc... but is her smoking enough of a problem for you to end the relationship?
I was a fairly heavy smoker for about ten years and was able to quit. Not an easy task. Definitely worth it, though.
Slow down, as for the smoking thing, not everyone can quit, It took me yaers, people go on smoking after they have been diagnosed as being seriously ill from it.
Sigh....All the antismoker Dear Abby wannabes went haring off on the tobacco issue and didn't pay a whole lot of attention to Birdman's real problem,which is that nobody has told him that for a man his age,being married means he can count on becoming a father REAL SOON.
Now, Dave Hopping, I think you are confusing the word 'marriage' with 'sex on tap'. It's not always the same thing, you know.
Aww Brendo...the sex doesn't go away until AFTER the kids come.
EDIT: Birdman,are you listening?
As has been said in many ways above, a successful relationship is based support, understanding and respect. I would add laughter, kindness and chemistry.
It's going to be difficult for anyone to earn respect if they are trying to convince/persuade/force their partner into changing certain defining traits whatever those may be. Equally, not much respect is gained by constantly "bending over backwards" in response to certain demands - sometimes you've got to stand your ground and say no.
A relationship makes sense only if on balance you are better off than if you were alone. The first step is to realise that you can live without her - dependance is never attractive.
All the best, it'll work out.
Not to sound like the High Priest of the Church of the Painful Truth here however at your age marriage should be far from your thoughts. Have been there myself at 19 and it failed miserably. Nobody that age is ready for the responsibilities of marriage and raising a family.You have a long life ahead of you, go live it, get an education,etc. then look for the right girl. No need to rush a lifetime commitment just because you think you have life figured out at a young age. Back then my head was so far up my ass that when I yawned the sun would get in my eyes...
The smoking thing-she'll quit only when she wants to.
Best of luck to you.
My 2 cents to add...
Both of you may have the best intentions right now and you both obviously really like each other...and obviously you both are trying to be sensible.
You may find in 5 years you both are still happy together and everything works out great. I met my wife when we were 20 and 19 respectively and we're still happy together decades on. Same goes for several of my friends. But many teen relationships don't last, and it isn't necessarily because of some sort of 'failure' on either side. During our teens most of us are in a very similar situation (high school) hanging out with relatively similar people of a similar age. It's often as you get a bit older that you slip more into your own 'way' as you get into a more varied environment. And as a successful relationship has as much to do with compatability as it does with liking each other this is when things can go awry.
So what I'm saying is, go with the flow and if it keeps working...great. But don't think it's some sort of personal failing if it doesn't.
Relationships need to be worked at, but you can't force them.
Note the number of people over 40 saying the same thing. It's a good bet this is useful info no?
When I was about 18 my father told me "Marriage isn't about love, it's about tolerating someone for the rest of your life." At the time I thought he was too old to remember being young and in love. Now I know he remembered but he also happened to have learned a thing or two in his life which he was trying to pass along to me.
Love exists and it's great, but love won't keep you married for life, at least not what you know about love when you are 18.
That is purely based on genes really. Some people live that long because their body knows how to handle it, and then does so quite nicely. The latter, is because he inhales (like the rest of us) the toxins and smog in the air. So really if your body can't handle the toxins well you are SOL.
well, first of al, because she said she'll quit does not mean this is over: what if she fails? will you stand by her and help out, or will you continue on giving each other ultimatums and asking each other to change?
i just got married last year, but i lived with my wife for five years previous. people will tell you "comprimise" is the key to staying together, but that's not the right word. comprimise usually means somebody gets what they want, and the other person doesn't. what will keep you with a person is really loving them as is, and not wanting them to change. people will also say you "can't change someone else." another line of huey. you can force change on someone, but be prepared for them to resent you for it.
nobody's perfect. i'd like to know what ome of the "bending over backwards" is that you've done for her, because you actually both sound rather unreasonable. "i'll marry you if you quit smoking?" that means, "you're not good enough as is, and i will change you into what i want." it'll never work.
if she says she's going to quit, help her out. be prepared for her to fail a few times--quitting smoking isn't like quitting a job at mcdonalds--you can't just walk away. support her, and expect her to support you back. that's what makes things work.
i could write you a list of 20 things about my wife that differ from the "ideal woman" i created in my head back in high school. the thing that matters, and the reason i love her, is that she loves me how i am, and doesn't ask me to change. i do the same for her. not comprimise, true acceptance.
i bet she smoked when you first met her, right? and you didn't give a crap then because she was this amazing, radiant, beautiful, fun girl you couldn't get enough of, right? don't play games, don't give ultimatums, and never forget what it is about her that makes you love her.