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I need advice, relationship issues...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Birdmankustomz, Aug 6, 2009.

  1. Birdmankustomz

    Birdmankustomz Friend of Leo's

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    Ok, heres the story, my fiance, I love her more than anything, I'd give or give up anything and everything I own to stay with her, guitars, drums, paino, drawing, etc. I've bent over backwards for her and done anything she wants. The only thing I've ever asked is that she quit smoking, and I'm afraid I'm gonna lose that battle. Worse than that in I think I may lose her over it. How can something so small and insignificant come between us. Shes always been the first one there for me and is just as supporting as I am to her. I'm also starting college in a few weeks and am extremely worried about that too. I normally don't ask advice on things like this, I usually play my guitar and think about things and it works itself out, but heres the added kicker, I can't play my guitars, because I crushed my index and middle finger in a garage door 2 days ago and can't really use them. :cry: I know its really long but one more thing, I'm refinishing a Les Paul in an ultramarine blue that should be done in a few days. Hopefully that will work out too. If that doesn't turn out either I'll just have to kill myself, lol. (I'm not really gonna kill myself, just be mad)
     
  2. RCinMempho

    RCinMempho Friend of Leo's

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    No one quits smoking for anyone other than themselves.
     
  3. tazzboy

    tazzboy Former Member

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    agreed. +1 you can force a person to not want to do something else they want to.
     
  4. brokenjoe

    brokenjoe Friend of Leo's

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    Separate the non issues from the main one. Your fingers don't have anything to do with your fiancee smoking. Neither does the Les Paul, or going to college. Sure, they all add up, but break all these separate issues down and deal with them one at a time.

    What do you mean that you may lose her over smoking? That you'll leave her? That she'll eventually die? If it's the former, then you're gonna have to work that one out for yourself. If it's the latter...... well...... SHE'S gonna have to work that out for HER-self.

    Smokers are addicts (I smoke) We/they won't quit because of someone else's badgering. an addict has to want to quit -not just want to want to quit -if you get me.

    No amount of badgering, threatening, pleading, etc., is gonna get her to stop. The only thing you can do is to tell her how you feel, and hope for the best.
     
  5. emiller45

    emiller45 Tele-Holic

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    I am a former smoker and am here to tell you that it is HARD to quit. It has nothing to do with her love or lack or love for you. Smoking is an addiction and, as has been pointed out, is not going to stop just because you want her to.

    I remember some advice my mother gave me years ago: "You will not find someone who is perfect. You will find someone whose faults you can live with". .... still working on it Mom... RIP ;)
     
  6. E5RSY

    E5RSY Doctor of Teleocity

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    You are young and there are very, very, very many women out there. A good start would be to find someone else and don't make the above mistake, again. That's not a good dynamic for any relationship.

    As someone stated above, you can't make her quit. What you CAN do is choose to not be with a smoker, if it is truly important to you not to be (and I wouldn't blame you, personally).

    Sorry to sound cold. Life is too short to go through it unhappy.

    Scott
     
  7. Birdmankustomz

    Birdmankustomz Friend of Leo's

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    I don't know how to go about getting rid of a thread but this one can be deleted, I've taken care of it. My fiance just told me shes quitting. I don't know why she suddenly decided to, but I just got a call, she said shes gonna do it. The college thing is part of it, its had me stressed out to almost to the breaking point and the smoking issue was putting me over the top, and not being able to relieve my stress was killing me. Buts its worked itself out already, sorry for the pointless thread. (BTW, the Les Paul was just to put at least something good in the post) Thanks for the replys though.
     
  8. Jackson Jackson

    Jackson Jackson Friend of Leo's

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    My opinion, and please take this with the utmost love and respect, is that at 18, the LAST thing you should be thinking about is marriage.

    Stay with your girl, love the tar out of her (smoking pun not intended), and work on your relationship issues openly and with great passion, but please do not rush in to marriage. Why the need to be engaged at such a young age?

    I was married at 21, and THAT is really young. My beautiful bride and I are coming up on our 15th year anniversary and are more in love than ever. I was out on my own at 17, and pretty together, but I would never advise getting married at 18, especially if your going off to college.

    And I agree, she'll quit smoking when SHE'S ready. Hopefully, that will be very soon. I pray the best for you both, but remember, there is ALWAYS time to get married, and taking back those vows is a VERY hard thing to do.
     
  9. Birdmankustomz

    Birdmankustomz Friend of Leo's

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    Thats why were waiting until after college, we're going wait 5 years, But I think if shes quitting it won't be a problem. Were used to the "your too young thing" thats why were waiting, unlike most my age, I do take very seriously the advice of my elders (unless its a homeless bum, long story:lol:).
     
  10. Post Toastie

    Post Toastie Poster Extraordinaire

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    When you Kiss her is it like kissing an ash tray?If not then let her do her thing (smoke) and just be there to help her if she wants to quit.i dont smoke but this whole anti smoking thing has gone way tooo far.My aunt only smoked 5 packs a day and only lived to 94 years old so some of this is hype.Bob Chandler(USC reciever) and NFL great lived to 46 ish and never smoked and died of cancer.Europe is way more tollerant on this but at the end she is your mate.
     
  11. Jackson Jackson

    Jackson Jackson Friend of Leo's

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    You may be a young man, but you sound like a WISE young man.

    Good for both of you!!!
     
  12. Stuco

    Stuco Poster Extraordinaire

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    Here's my advice, you two should take a year and date other people and get to know yourselves and readdress the marriage thing again later. You need to be able to live on your own in the real world and have an identity as you before you can really be ready for a lifetime commitment. That's just one man's opinion.
     
  13. imwjl

    imwjl Poster Extraordinaire

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    I won't say it's the last thing one should consider but the odds are stacked against people who get married young, start families young, and don't have education and personal finance in order.

    Good luck.
     
  14. Jackson Jackson

    Jackson Jackson Friend of Leo's

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    Okay, sure, playing pointy guitars is the LAST thing he should be thinking about. :lol:
     
  15. jjkrause84

    jjkrause84 Poster Extraordinaire

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    It's also unlikely that you'll both make it through 4 years of college intact. Not impossible my dorm-roommate from my freshman year as an undergrad and one of my best friends did it successfully....but know that there will not only be temptation but that you are both going to change and amture ALOT in the next 4-5 years and may well "grow apart" as they say.
     
  16. telideli

    telideli Banned

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    You're betraying your own love for her.

    You're not showing her you believe in her and her ability to decide for herself.

    You don't marry someone based on the changes you expect her to make.

    You need to love her and support her regardless of her faults.

    You need to show her you'll do what whatever you can to help her should she commit to stopping her smoking.

    You should appologize and put this issue aside for now before you ruin everything, and regret it later....
     
  17. Telesavalis

    Telesavalis Friend of Leo's

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    I used to smoke and I quit more times than I could count. I finally quit for good in Dec of 92 and have been smoke free ever since. But it was the hardest thing I ever did. If you truly love her then her smoking is something that you can work through with her so the both of you can get past it. Explain your concerns to her and then give her time to find the motivation she needs to quit on her own. You'll never "make" her quit. She has to want to quit. But it's hard...very hard. And that's an understatement. One of the things that finally convinced me to quit was seeing a television documentary on the family of the current Phillip Morris Co's incredible fortune. A fortune that was built on the manufacture and sale of cigarettes. They live a life of unbelievable opulence, partially at my expense. It was disturbing. And enough so that I found it even more disgusting to learn that people can live at such extreme levels of wealth while purposly infusing the public with poison. I was ashamed that I had helped to make them rich beyond belief. I quit right then and there.
    Nowadays, years later, I find that when I'm appreciating the beauty or attractiveness of a woman, if she pulls out a cigarette and lights up that immediately squashes the appreciation I had and her beauty diminishes. It's hard to explain but it just steals all the atrractiveness from her and all I can think of is the rancid smell of cigarette smoke all over her clothes and breath. Then I imagine what her living room must smell like with cigarette butts in ashtrays all over the place. I'll bet most women would want that to be the last thing for men to think about when they doll up to go out. Can you tell I'm an ex-smoker? :rolleyes:
     
  18. smsuryan

    smsuryan Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    +1..youll only be in your twenties once, you have the rest of your life to be married...good luck my friend
     
  19. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    Good, healthy relationships aren't built on telling the other person what to do. It sounds like both of you like to tell each other what and who the other should be. Love is about accepting the other person, supporting them, encouraging them and helping them realize their goals and dreams and building and creating dreams together.

    I'm not sure, based on your post, that you have figured out friendship yet, marriage is a far more advanced topic than friendship... you have a ways to go.

    Loving someone starts with accepting and then understanding them and coming to know them AS THEY ARE. The mistake folks make in relationships is that they focus on the 'potential' of a person rather than their current existence.

    If you cannot accept and love and be happy with this person as they are today... you should not continue with them. When someone is already involved in a relationship and the person falters... it is at that point that we can help them. But our fundamental job in relationships is not 'fixing' the other person.

    A person is the only one able to fix themselves.

    I hope you don't find this opinion harsh, I don't intend it that way. I just see so many relationships that start off with one or the other person falling in love with how a person 'could be' rather than how they are.... when it ends in divorce with children and just total disaster it is difficult for me because it was 'doomed' from the beginning.

    Healthy relationships completely and absolutely require healthy people who are loving, accepting and understanding of their mates strengths and weaknesses.

    Good luck amigo, I'll be rooting for you.
     
  20. brewwagon

    brewwagon Poster Extraordinaire

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    support understanding communication

    ask her to get acupuncture for help to quit smoking the worst things for a womans skin are smoking and extreme sun exposure

    just tell her to look at the older women that smoke

    your young so enjoy life don't get tied down or serious about any one girl till your at least 25
    explore your relationships see where they lead you
    life don't always go to our planned destination or favour
    everyone encounters problems some more than others don't try to solve hers but be there to listen and offer your male support to her


    my advice to you is
    get a education travel date and get to know may women ...while you can


    bw
     
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