I have never been more sure about this, but I'm also scared to death about it.

Si G X

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Dec 8, 2019
Posts
2,876
Location
England
Lot of ugliness and angry, bitter old men here. A whole lot.

Blazer, you do what you feel you should. If it’s supposed to work out, it will.

I went on one date with my wife, then didn’t see her again for a year. Circumstances just went sideways.

The next time I saw her I moved her into my place (from all the way across the country) that week, asked her to marry me less than three months after that, and now we’ve been hitched for 25 years, this September. There’s still not a single person on earth, except our kids, that I’d rather spend my time with. Has it all been perfect? Of course not. But I wouldn’t trade any of it.

I love love, man. Raising my glass to you both! I really am hoping for the best for you.

I don't think advising caution is ugly, angry or bitter, it's sensible.

I've been in a wonderful relationship for 25 years (this November) too, so I have nothing to be angry or bitter about.

You're right, it will either work out or it won't and there's no way of knowing, but I still think seeing what happens for a couple of years before adding the legal entanglement of marriage is probably a good idea.

He lives in the Netherlands, not the bible belt, so there's no good reason to rush into it.

I would advise my kids to do exactly the same. Even though it worked out great, would you advise your kids to do what you did? Get married after 1 date and a week of living together?
 

dswo

Tele-Holic
Joined
May 1, 2016
Posts
940
Location
East Carolina
My students think Romeo and Juliet should have waited longer than a day to get married. It's hard to say why they're wrong, but then I read stories like this. A similar thing happened to a friend last year.
 

Cyberi4n

Tele-Afflicted
Joined
Oct 28, 2020
Posts
1,006
Age
49
Location
Chester, Uk
Throw yourself in with both feet. Embrace the situation totally. Nobody knows what tomorrow may bring. Give it your all, and what will be will be. If you exercise caution, aren’t you always ‘looking for a way out’ and if that’s the case, how can you give it a fair chance?

Propose, throw caution to the wind. If she says yes, then have a longish engagement, and let things develop - no need to rush the ‘legal entanglement’ as others have called it
 

draggindakota

Tele-Meister
Joined
Jun 28, 2017
Posts
499
Age
42
Location
Lehigh Acres, Florida
I'm a firm believer that sometimes the universe just brings two people together that were meant to be. Hoping that's the case for you!

Marriage is really just a roll of the dice. I know people that dated and even lived together for years before they got married, and were divorced within 2. Then there's my parents... went on one date, skipped town the next day and got married and never looked back.

Good luck!
 

11 Gauge

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Mar 21, 2003
Posts
12,824
Location
Near BWI Int'l
I went on one date with my wife, then didn’t see her again for a year. Circumstances just went sideways.

The next time I saw her I moved her into my place (from all the way across the country) that week, asked her to marry me less than three months after that, and now we’ve been hitched for 25 years, this September. There’s still not a single person on earth, except our kids, that I’d rather spend my time with. Has it all been perfect? Of course not. But I wouldn’t trade any of it.
Although my wife and I were inseparable for the 3 years that we dated prior to getting married, we still rushed to tie the knot when we did. She was only 20, and I was only 24. She was still in college, and the money I was making was ridiculously small (and would continue to be, for many more years!).

Anyway, we just celebrated our 29th anniversary back in March of this year. No, it hasn't been perfect, but we both know that we were meant to be together, forever. I can't imagine that my life would have been as good as it has (or honestly if I'd even still be alive today) if I weren't married to her all of this time.

The bottom line is that you just don't know how it will turn out, and IMO being overly cautious will prevent you from taking a chance. There are times in life when it can really be beneficial to take a chance, and this sounds like it's one of those scenarios!
 

kuch

Tele-Holic
Joined
Sep 30, 2011
Posts
895
Location
Great Northwest
One of the women I dated for over 10 years told me once, do the deed and get it out of the way just to be sure that your attraction isn't just based on that. Sometimes I think that advice would be valid....

All I can say is that you're still young. As others have said don't pass up the chance to have love in your life.

But... you have lots of time. If she's agreeable to it, have her move in with you, and your mom, and see where it leads.

Whatever you choose, good luck. And if applicable in the future, Best Wishes and congratulations. :)
 

Lowerleftcoast

Poster Extraordinaire
Joined
Dec 30, 2019
Posts
5,648
Location
california

I have never been more sure about this, but I'm also scared to death about it.

I'm going to propose to her.
I hope you wait until you are not scared to death. I imagine some of the *scared to death* comes from a knowledge of the past.

I don't feel comfortable with the *you have something to lose and she has something to gain* aspect of the relationship.

Good luck.
 

Jakedog

Telefied
Ad Free Member
Joined
Mar 26, 2003
Posts
22,963
Location
The North Coast
I don't think advising caution is ugly, angry or bitter, it's sensible.

I've been in a wonderful relationship for 25 years (this November) too, so I have nothing to be angry or bitter about.

You're right, it will either work out or it won't and there's no way of knowing, but I still think seeing what happens for a couple of years before adding the legal entanglement of marriage is probably a good idea.

He lives in the Netherlands, not the bible belt, so there's no good reason to rush into it.

I would advise my kids to do exactly the same. Even though it worked out great, would you advise your kids to do what you did? Get married after 1 date and a week of living together?
When you know, you know. I didn’t have a doubt in my mind from the first minute I saw her, and I still don’t. I’ve never once wondered “what if”, I’ve never once questioned the decision.

I understand not everyone gets to meet that person. It is however, my personal belief that a lot more people would if they either gave themselves the opportunity, or believed it when it happened, rather than always operating out of an abundance of caution and logic. Or preconceptions about who they’re looking for.

But what do I know? I only apply caution or logic in my life when something could be imminently physically dangerous. If it doesn’t have the potential to physically harm or kill me at that moment, I’m highly likely to go for it if it feels like it could turn out fun, just to see what will happen. Even if it could be physically dangerous, I’ll go for it if the potential for good significantly outweighs potential for bad. Almost half a century and I have some sweet scars but I ain’t dead yet, and I have amazing stories and memories.

And money, stuff, or property has never really mattered to me in any appreciable way. It’s just stuff.

And yeah, I teach my kids this stuff every day. Both by word, and by example.

Eat the cake. Kiss the girl. Climb the mountain. Stay up late for the eclipse. Buy the guitar. Go on tour. You might die in your sleep tonight. You just don’t know.
 
Last edited:

johnnylaw

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Apr 17, 2007
Posts
2,178
Age
64
Location
New England
Just like playing the guitar, going slow makes it hard to hide mistakes.
I prefer drama in the art world, not in my personal affairs. If things are easy with the two of you, I’d take it as a vote of confidence.
Fear-based decisions often provide temporary relief and long-term misery. Love doesn’t leave alot of room for fear.
 
Last edited:

11 Gauge

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Mar 21, 2003
Posts
12,824
Location
Near BWI Int'l
When you know, you know. I didn’t have a doubt in my mind from the first minute I saw her, and I still don’t. I’ve never once wondered “what if”, I’ve never once questioned the decision.

I understand not everyone gets to meet that person. It is however, my personal belief that a lot more people would if they either gave themselves the opportunity, or believed it when it happened, rather than always operating out of an abundance of caution and logic. Or preconceptions about who they’re looking for.

But what do I know? I only apply caution or logic in my life when something could be imminently physically dangerous. If it doesn’t have the potential to physically harm or kill me at that moment, I’m highly likely to go for it if it feels like it could turn out fun, just to see what will happen. Even if it could be physically dangerous, I’ll go for it if the potential for good significantly outweighs potential for bad. Almost half a century and I have some sweet scars but I ain’t dead yet, and I have amazing stories and memories.

And money, stuff, or property has never really mattered to me in any appreciable way. It’s just stuff.

And yeah, I teach my kids this stuff every day. Both by word and deed.

Eat the cake. Kiss the girl. Climb the mountain. Stay up late for the eclipse. Buy the guitar. Go on tour. You might die in your sleep tonight. You just don’t know.
For most things in my life, I've operated based on caution and logic. It has paid off probably well over 90% of the time, and I don't have any really big regrets for the 10% when I should have taken a chance. This is especially true since it's only been like passing on things that would have provided me with money or property or such, and none of those things have ever made me happy.

I agree that sometimes you can know without actually knowing, or at least it's possible to imagine it. As a person who NEVER throws caution to the wind, that's pretty much what I did when I got married. Even though I was too young to really yet know who I was, or could possibly imagine what being in a permanent relationship would be like over the course of many years, there was still something that told me to go for it - I couldn't miss the chance and let her get away from me.

I just wanted to say that I'm vouching for the same thing as you, despite operating very differently from you. Be careful, research things, and apply logic whenever possible. Try to fetter out potential caveats and traps whenever possible. But when you meet someone who is potentially the one, don't apply any more logic or caution than is minimally necessary, because you'll probably regret it!
 

Killing Floor

Poster Extraordinaire
Silver Supporter
Joined
Feb 3, 2021
Posts
9,050
Location
Austin, TX
You can't delay worrying about what she will say. Good luck. Congratulations. She wouldn't be hanging around if she did not want to be with you.
 

11 Gauge

Doctor of Teleocity
Joined
Mar 21, 2003
Posts
12,824
Location
Near BWI Int'l
You do realize that you’re asking guitar players, (notoriously the worst decision makers ever) for advice.
Are we though?

In all honesty, I think people from just about any vocation or 'social vantage point' are capable of offering either potentially really good or really terrible advice.

Probably the only folks' advice that I might weigh more heavily than others might be like couples counselors, but even then, I know of some who are also on their second or later marriage.

I'll even go as far as to say that I've gotten some better advice from guitarist friends of mine than I have from non-guitarist friends. I think it might stem from being that we guitarists might see some things in life in similar ways.
 

Preacher

Poster Extraordinaire
Joined
Apr 17, 2007
Posts
5,584
Location
Big D
You know when you pick up that guitar that just fits your hand just right? It seems to stay in tune most of the time and only needs a little tweak now and then to be a great player? It is noiseless through your amp and with just a flick of a switch or a turn of the tone knob can all of the sudden go from clean to dirty in a moment? You know that guitar that when you walk into the room you want to pick it up and play with it? Even when a newer model comes along you still decide that you like the older one you have?

If she is that kind of woman then bring her home for good!

My wife and I married really young (20 and 19). My dad was against it, my Mom was glad she would not have to feed me any longer. Her parents were happy to see her find love, but were also scared as both of us were in college and had part time jobs, how would we ever survive on minimum wage (ahem, I was making .20 more than minimum I told my MIL back then). :)

We just celebrated our 34th anniversary earlier this month. 34 years seems to have flown by and we have seen a lot of ups and downs in our lives. It has not all been roses, and it has not all been thorns either. We have lived through the honeymoon years (what we thought were the best four years of our lives) and then the kid years. We spent another couple of decades in the kids phase (which we thought were the best twenty years of our lives) and now we have spent the last few years as empty nesters living by ourselves (which we think are the the best years of our lives). She is still the one that just feels right in my hands. She needs a little tweak now and again but with a flick of the switch she can sing sweetly. She is still the one that I was to hang around with even though there are younger models with more assets available nearby. I think I will hold onto her for as long as I possibly can.

So there is that.

Also take my Dad's advice, "don't date a woman with a tattoo of a knife or dagger on her body"
 

Si G X

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Dec 8, 2019
Posts
2,876
Location
England
When you know, you know. I didn’t have a doubt in my mind from the first minute I saw her, and I still don’t. I’ve never once wondered “what if”, I’ve never once questioned the decision.

I understand not everyone gets to meet that person. It is however, my personal belief that a lot more people would if they either gave themselves the opportunity, or believed it when it happened, rather than always operating out of an abundance of caution and logic. Or preconceptions about who they’re looking for.

But what do I know? I only apply caution or logic in my life when something could be imminently physically dangerous. If it doesn’t have the potential to physically harm or kill me at that moment, I’m highly likely to go for it if it feels like it could turn out fun, just to see what will happen. Even if it could be physically dangerous, I’ll go for it if the potential for good significantly outweighs potential for bad. Almost half a century and I have some sweet scars but I ain’t dead yet, and I have amazing stories and memories.

And money, stuff, or property has never really mattered to me in any appreciable way. It’s just stuff.

And yeah, I teach my kids this stuff every day. Both by word and deed.

Eat the cake. Kiss the girl. Climb the mountain. Stay up late for the eclipse. Buy the guitar. Go on tour. You might die in your sleep tonight. You just don’t know.

I've been with my partner 24 years this Nov, I never had any doubt either... I'm not really sure how I would get on without her to be honest... she fell pregnant after 2 months of us getting together (so no logic or caution there) and thankfully it worked out just dandy and we've been through all the ups and downs of life, raised two awesome kids and stayed strong and together, I don't see that changing, she's my rock and I am hers.

Many of my friends marriages are in the dust though, one of my best mates have been married 3 times which has caused a lot of unfortunate issues and complications for him.... he's done his fair share of questioning his decisions now.

So I see both sides .... I just don't see any downsides to waiting, if everything is great, it's going to be great regardless. If it works out it will work out regardless.

I don't think being 'scared to death' is a good way to go into a marriage, but that's just my feeling, it's impossible without knowing the people.

I just hope she says yes and feels the same way... because I wouldn't want him to damage what he has already. I've seen with my own eyes a lady go completely silent on asking and their relationship was never the same afterwards. It wasn't what she was expecting and he read the situation completely wrong.. mainly because he didn't really know her and he got carried away in his own wishes and thoughts without really understanding her feelings.
 




Top