I’m depressed and need to laugh. Tell me a joke.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Doctorx33, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. Doctorx33

    Doctorx33 Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    64
    Posts:
    1,532
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2014
    Location:
    Atlanta
    I’ll start:

    A man went to a night club for an audition as a piano player. He sat
    down and began to play the most beautiful melody. People began to
    gather around to listen and when he was done the room burst into
    applause.

    The manager said "that was the most beautiful song I have ever
    heard, was Chopin or Brahms?"

    "No, I wrote it myself"

    "What's it called?" the manager asked.

    "Lift up your blouse and show me your ****."

    The manager was a little dumbfounded but asked him to play
    another song. The piano player played another song even more
    beautiful than the first and the room burst into even more applause.

    "Was that Bach or Beethoven?"

    "I wrote it myself"

    Reluctantly the manager asked the name of the song.

    "Bend over, lift up your skirt and show me where the sun never
    shines" replied the piano player.

    "You are hired but please don't introduce any of your songs, I won't
    even put a mike on stage -- just play and don't talk" said the manager.

    That night the piano player came in and played his first set to a rapt
    audience. He received a standing ovation after every song and when
    he finished the set, he left the stage for the men's room. While
    standing at the urinal a man came up and said "You are the greatest
    piano player I have ever heard." "May I have your autograph?"

    The piano player obliged and was so excited, he left the men's room
    without zipping up his fly. He went to the bar and asked a cocktail
    waitress for a drink. She said "Sure-and by the way you are the best
    piano player I have ever heard but do you know your zipper is down
    and your dick is hanging out."

    "Do I know it? he replied. "Hell I WROTE it!!!!!"
     
  2. NewKid

    NewKid Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    342
    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Location:
    Seattle
    Another Anthony Jesalnik gem:

    When I was in high school I got some graduation money and told my mom I wanted to buy a motorcycle.

    She said, “No. When my brother graduated from high school he bought a motorcycle and got into a terrible accident and broke both his legs.”

    “You can have HIS motorcycle.”
     
  3. Texicaster

    Texicaster Tele-Holic

    Posts:
    519
    Joined:
    May 9, 2018
    Location:
    Arizona
     
  4. WingedWords

    WingedWords Tele-Holic Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    682
    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2015
    Location:
    UK and EU
    Here's the official 4th and 5th best jokes from this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe:

    - A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Yes, I said, that's 20 cows.

    - A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.
     
  5. WingedWords

    WingedWords Tele-Holic Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    682
    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2015
    Location:
    UK and EU
  6. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    8,193
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Location:
    UK
    If we are talking about depressing, working in a shoe recycling factory must be sole destroying.
     
  7. getbent

    getbent Telefied Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    36,333
    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2006
    Location:
    San Benito County, California
    drunk walks up to a cop and says, "officer, you gotta help me somebody stole my car!"
    Officer: where was the car?
    drunk: right on the end of this key
    Officer: well, go down to the precinct house and fill out the papers and we'll get your car back for you... by the way, before you go downtown, you should zip up your fly
    drunk: Thanks Officer, it looks like they made off with my girl too.
     
  8. AngelStrummer

    AngelStrummer Friend of Leo's

    Age:
    52
    Posts:
    2,788
    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2007
    Location:
    London
    Somebody stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.

    A thesaurus is such a unique thing. There’s really no other word for it.

    Sleeping is so great. It’s the reason I get up in the morning.
     
    verb boten and Doctorx33 like this.
  9. Dave W

    Dave W Friend of Leo's

    Age:
    72
    Posts:
    4,402
    Joined:
    May 15, 2003
    Location:
    Minnesota
    A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 3 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

    -- Henny Youngman
     
    rz350, Stubee, verb boten and 3 others like this.
  10. Rich_S

    Rich_S Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

    Posts:
    4,461
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2006
    Location:
    Potsdam, NY
    Rene’ Descartes walks into a bar. He asks for a drink, the bartender pours it, and Rene’ takes his time drinking it. When’s he’s finished it, then bartender comes by and asks, “Will you have another?” Rene’ responds, “I think not.”

    And he disappears.



    Here’s another: Rich_S walks into the bar at TGI Friday’s, orders a drink, and gets carded.

    Rich_S turned 60 two weeks ago.
     
  11. ClashCityTele

    ClashCityTele Tele-Holic

    Age:
    57
    Posts:
    688
    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2018
    Location:
    Washington, UK
    This is for the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.

    You can hide...but you can't run.
     
    Shuster, MrCairo46, RoyalBaby and 4 others like this.
  12. ClashCityTele

    ClashCityTele Tele-Holic

    Age:
    57
    Posts:
    688
    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2018
    Location:
    Washington, UK
    conjunctivitis.com

    That's a site for sore eyes.
     
  13. Erdowonge

    Erdowonge Tele-Meister

    Age:
    44
    Posts:
    128
    Joined:
    May 16, 2019
    Location:
    England
    I got a loan from the bank for an exorcism

    if i don`t pay it back i`ll be re-possessed
     
  14. MattyK-USA

    MattyK-USA Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

    Age:
    57
    Posts:
    1,111
    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2018
    Location:
    Savannah GA
    What's the best thing about about Switzerland?

    I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
     
  15. don71

    don71 Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,474
    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2009
    Location:
    Central Missouri
    What do you or have...that everybody else uses?




    Your Name.
     
    Artslap likes this.
  16. MattyK-USA

    MattyK-USA Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

    Age:
    57
    Posts:
    1,111
    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2018
    Location:
    Savannah GA
    What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

    "Make me one with everything."
     
    Stringbanger and verb boten like this.
  17. MattyK-USA

    MattyK-USA Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

    Age:
    57
    Posts:
    1,111
    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2018
    Location:
    Savannah GA
    What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

    "Ay, Matey!"
     
  18. geoff_in_nc

    geoff_in_nc Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,222
    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2007
    Location:
    "Raleigh-wood"
    I got fired from my job at the orange juice plant.

    I couldn't concentrate.
     
    verb boten and Doctorx33 like this.
  19. surf_jimi

    surf_jimi TDPRI Member

    Posts:
    27
    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2006
    Location:
    New Jersey
    My wife likes to scream during sex.
    Especially when I walk in on her.
    Rodney
     
  20. MattyK-USA

    MattyK-USA Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

    Age:
    57
    Posts:
    1,111
    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2018
    Location:
    Savannah GA
    What's Forest Gump's password?

    1Forest1!
     
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
No sex, drug, political, religion or hate discussion permitted here.


  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.