I’m depressed and need to laugh. Tell me a joke.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Doctorx33, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. Doctorx33

    Doctorx33 Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    64
    Posts:
    1,530
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2014
    Location:
    Atlanta
    I’ll start:
    A man went to a night club for an audition as a piano player. He sat
    down and began to play the most beautiful melody. People began to
    gather around to listen and when he was done the room burst into
    applause.

    The manager said "that was the most beautiful song I have ever
    heard, was Chopin or Brahms?"

    "No, I wrote it myself"

    "What's it called?" the manager asked.

    "Lift up your blouse and show me your ****."

    The manager was a little dumbfounded but asked him to play
    another song. The piano player played another song even more
    beautiful than the first and the room burst into even more applause.

    "Was that Bach or Beethoven?"

    "I wrote it myself"

    Reluctantly the manager asked the name of the song.

    "Bend over, lift up your skirt and show me where the sun never
    shines" replied the piano player.

    "You are hired but please don't introduce any of your songs, I won't
    even put a mike on stage -- just play and don't talk" said the manager.

    That night the piano player came in and played his first set to a rapt
    audience. He received a standing ovation after every song and when
    he finished the set, he left the stage for the men's room. While
    standing at the urinal a man came up and said "You are the greatest
    piano player I have ever heard." "May I have your autograph?"

    The piano player obliged and was so excited, he left the men's room
    without zipping up his fly. He went to the bar and asked a cocktail
    waitress for a drink. She said "Sure-and by the way you are the best
    piano player I have ever heard but do you know your zipper is down
    and your dick is hanging out."

    "Do I know it? he replied. "Hell I WROTE it!!!!!"
     
  2. Fiesta Red

    Fiesta Red Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
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    Nov 15, 2010
    Location:
    Texas
    A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

    though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

    at 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

    "i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

    "wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

    "good," she replied. "get your own blanket, you lazy bum!”

    after a moment of silence, he farted.
     
    verb boten, NewKid, Ducerro and 2 others like this.
  3. Fiesta Red

    Fiesta Red Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    3,224
    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Location:
    Texas
    A redneck from Oklahoma and his wife had just celebrated the birth of their 11th child, and they decided that they could not afford to have any more kids.

    The redneck went to his doctor and said what the problem was, and the doctor said, “Well, we can do a vasectomy on you, but it is somewhat expensive.”

    The redneck said, “I don’t have any money—do you have any other options?”

    The doctor said, “There is one other option; light a cherry bomb, stick it inside a beer can, hold it up to your ear and count to 10.”

    The redneck said, “I ain’t the smartest guy on earth, but I don’t understand how that would make it to so we won’t have any more kids. “

    The doctor said, “Just trust me and try it.”

    So the redneck went home, lit a cherry bomb and put in a beer can, held it up to his ear and counted to five...he paused, then put the beer can between his legs and started using his other hand to count to 10.
     
  4. dlew919

    dlew919 Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    8,501
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2012
    Location:
    Sydney
    Two golfers are playing a round and one is having a bad day. Ronald let’s loose. ‘These :):&:&:! Clubs. I can’t hit s ^^}*£}£ thing with them.

    Mike turns to him says ‘Ron. I’m a godly man and I just can’t listen to that language. Could you tone it down please.’

    Ron does for a few holes. Then again a slice and he lets loose again. ‘%{€}£}€}€. I’m getting rid of these #*#^}£! Clubs’.

    Mike says - last warning Ron.

    Three more holes go by rather uneventfully and then a bad hook shot from Ron. A blasphemous, insulting foul mouthed tirade.

    Mike drops to his knees and prays ‘almighty god. Please punish this blasphemous foul mouthed sinner as he is unpleasant to the godly ear.

    Next thing a massive flash of light and a large bang.

    Ronald stands up, dazed. As he’s brushing the dirt and grass off he sees the body of mike, dead.

    The clouds open and a beam of light shines down. And then a voice says

    ‘These #%^^% lightning bolts. I haven’t hit anything I’ve aimed at all %^**#* week’


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  5. alnico357

    alnico357 Tele-Holic

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    Jun 2, 2015
    Location:
    Arkansas
    Teach your kids about taxes. Eat 30% of their ice cream.
     
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