How did/do you discipline your kids?

[getbent]

This movie really spoke to me when it came out. It was hard to watch.

it was the closest thing to seeing my own life/memories/flashbacks of anything I've ever seen. Here is how effed up I am, it made me sad and angry (the usual) but it also made me miss my dad and think how he DID love us.

Some emotions are so complex they defy description. If I could describe how I feel about that, I could probably sell it to millions of people who have the same kinds of feelings.

It is kind of funny how the 'red pettus' part is in the film and how our young protagonist points his anger at him... that is a classic thing that people like us do. We are forever slaying the dragons of people who we think cannot or will not protect themselves.

I have a good friend who, when I lived in Colorado, we used to climb the 14ers and backpack and play music. On the trail, I'd always ask for free counseling and he'd laugh (I helped him with lots of stuff on his house and cars etc) and say it was fair trade.

In a solemn moment, he told me that I'd probably always be filled with anger and rage and my happiness and fulfillment probably hinged on my ability to recognize it, channel it and work through it and find a way to peace through forgiveness (which would be impossible because so many of the people who needed forgiveness were dead.)

Then he laughed and said, 'you are doing a pretty good job, but, you know, you have a LONG WAY to go' and he laughed again. And so, I work on it... failing often but succeeding often enough to think that by the time I pass, I'll have reached it.

 

[gonzaleg165]

I have three sons, which makes it easier in my opinion. If I had a daughter, I'm sure she'd have had me wrapped around her little finger from day one. But with boys, it was fairly easy to keep them in line from an early age. I basically gave each of them three major rules:

1) No acting up in church. Sit down, pay attention, and shut up.
2) No getting in trouble in school. Do not make me answer a call from your teacher/vice-principal because you were causing trouble.
3) No temper tantrums at the grocery store/Walmart/shopping place dejour because I won't buy you something.

Each one of my boys violated one of the rules once. Just once.

 

[Trenchant63]

Self-accountability and responsibility as early as possible with loving support. When you own it, it’s on you. Ask for help but don’t walk away from something you committed to and we held them to that. Occasionally they’d want to quit something that was a bad situation or they didn’t have the skills, etc - we’d say - YOU go and talk to coach/leader - we’re not. Or, any difficult conversation to resolve a problem - within reason of course - we made them handle it even if very awkward. Don’t avoid it - go and talk to whoever and get it over with. It built their confidence. Obviously, any serious issue beyond their ability/reach I’d step in to get resolved with adults - but that was rare. Very rare spanking - maybe once or twice a tap in the butt back then. We taught them how to self-advocate and solve problems as well as help others. Family is hugely important. It’s worked out for us thank God. Two kids - son owns successful business and daughter going into residence as surgeon. Their career choices - not ours.

 

[burntfrijoles]

Absolutely no spanking, hitting or physical punishment. Take away privileges. You can be stern and purposeful with your discipline.

Use events as teaching moments. Teach them that is okay to have feelings like anger, frustration, disappointment but then give them ways of dealing with it.

No parent is perfect so forgive yourself when you lose your cool. It's okay for a child to know that you're angry with their behavior.

Parenting is an imperfect science and art. Do the best you can.

 

[Knows3Chords]

I remember one time when my oldest girl had just become a teenager and was starting to go thru the mouthy, temper tantrum faze. She started getting into the habit of slamming her door when she was mad at me or her mother. After about a couple of these little displays I took the door of her room off the hinges and put it in the garage. The look on her face was of complete astonishment. I had warned her I was going to do it if she kept slamming the door. She called my bluff, and lost. The next day I asked her if she was ready to try again, she said yes. She never slammed her door again. Her younger sister was watching, because she never slammed her door ever.

 

[bendercaster]

Being a parent is hard. Kids don't always understand that you discipline them because you love them and want them to understand that their actions may have consequences in the real world, not because you like taking away certain privileges. I've tried to model grace and forgiveness, including admitting and asking for their forgiveness when I've been unfair or jumped to conclusions. Having an app that lets you turn the internet off for their devices helps too though.

 

[omahaaudio]

Tell me, how did/do you discipline your kids? What worked, what didn't, any memories stick out?

I never really needed to discipline my daughter.

I spoke to her like an adult and treated her with respect right from the start.

I listened to her opinions and then explained to her why I disagreed (if I did) and why, at least for the moment, she had to do things my way.

She said she wanted to die her hair blue?
I said fine, as long as her grades were good (she was proud of her grades). I even said that I'd defend her hair color choice if her school gave her any grief.

She wanted a tattoo?
I said fine, but not until she was 18 years old, then she could make her own choices.

I was always there to listen.

She never died her hair, and didn't get a tattoo until she was close to 30.

She has never disappointed me.

(One important thing I did was to keep abreast of her generation's popular music so much so that I usually knew about bands/groups/trends before she did. That always impressed her AND her friends.)

 

[Call Me Al]

worry about feeling too sure. All 3 kids are in college now but ages 18-21 can still mean opportunities to make poor choices or not recognize turning onto a bad road.

Oh I doubt myself all the time. My 2 kids are little (6 years, & 2 months) so they have plenty of time to prove me wrong. My eldest pushes boundaries hard, and is downright rude and sassy sometimes. I have to have faith I’m giving him a safe space to do that now so he’s not bottling up feelings into adulthood. I like to focus on critical thinking, why we make the choices we do, and why the rules are the way they are.

I also had to pick a style that coincides with my Work training and child development classes. I need a way to “be” that is similar in both roles. The research supports respectful parenting and teaching. Raising “good” (submissive) children is shown to lead to problems with self esteem, setting boundaries, emotional health and eating disorders in adulthood. Here’s a good parent educator that speaks to that last point:

Loading…

register.maggienick.com

 

[BigDaddyLH]

She said she wanted to die her hair blue?
I said fine, as long as her grades were good (she was proud of her grades). I even said that I'd defend her hair color choice if her school gave her any grief.

She wanted a tattoo?
I said fine, but not until she was 18 years old, then she could make her own choices.

I was always there to listen.

She never died her hair, and didn't get a tattoo until she was close to 30.

She has never disappointed me.

Curious about the hair-dyeing. My younger daughter has dyed her hair so many times it's hard to keep track. My wife offers advice, like, "oh honey, pink AND green? We'll give you money so you can get a salon to do that properly"

In our last video chat, she showed off her purple eyebrows. I said the last time I saw purple eyebrows, it was on an Umpah-lumpah! (Checks... I blew that comment!)

Anyway, it's funny how schools vary. No one cares, here in Canada, show up with pink hair, but I read that in Japan, if you show up at school with curly hair, you have to produce baby pictures to prove it's natural! And if you think about it, if a girl's hair is naturally curly, she could straighten it without the school passing judgement. Cultural is funny, that way.

 

[Killing Floor]

That same sort of activities "you will do something" was probably a really good one that we enforced or did.

Luck has to be an element too.

On testing out....

Before we were late age parents my wife trained large animals and had 10 years of teaching a challenged segment of k-12 kids. I had a few years of supervising a workforce not unlike real world cast of Trailer Park Boys.

I worry about feeling too sure. All 3 kids are in college now but ages 18-21 can still mean opportunities to make poor choices or not recognize turning onto a bad road.

Yeah. We really didn’t care what it was. Or if they tried different things. We really never had to enforce the idea because they always wanted to do something.

 

[keithb7]

Not sure. We were just us, being us. We loved each other very much and we loved our kids. We were stern when we needed to be. We gave the kids a ton of our time. I think we were all very close. We all still are. Our sons are currently 23 and 25. I am proud as h e l l of them. Extremely happy how they turned out. We see them and talk to them on a regular basis. My wife and I did not always agree on how to handle a situation when it arose. We discussed it in private then came to an agreement. I often said so many times, you can be their Momma. You can baby them if you want. I will not baby them. My wife still will coddle them too much in my opinion. Doing a little too much for them sometimes. I told my wife that my job is to raise men. Men who are decent. Know how to shake a hand firmly. Look a fellow man in the eye. Change the oil and a flat. How to be accountable for their actions. Hold a job. Be responsible. Teach them how to look after their wives. Ride a dirt bike. Drive a standard. Do a paper route. Work at Mc Donald's. Buy their own car at 16. Take it on the chin when you deserve it. How to easily make an honest buck. How to save what you earn. Life is hard, when you are stupid... It's harder. I told them, it does not matter what career you choose. Just enjoy it and be the best at whatever you choose. You want to be a car mechanic? Not problem. Be the best damn car mechanic around. Better than average, and you'll make a good wage. You'll never be out of work, nor a bed, heat, food or clothes.

Give your kids whatever time you can. They grow up and are out there in the big world in no time. How they do out there, I think, is a reflection of you.

 

[KeithDavies 100]

Locked ‘em in the garage overnight. No food. No water. Next day: Better.

Years ago, I transferred to a new department at work. I only knew one woman there, but she was away on leave the week I started. They were a very dry bunch - there wasn't much laughter or fun in there at all, which didn't work for me and was strange compared to where I'd been previously.

About three days in, one of the guys comes in late, ranting about the problems that morning with his kids. I said: "My kids do that, I just lock them in the cellar for a couple of hours. They come out with a whole different attitude."

No-one really laughed, so I just got back to work.

Following week, my friend's back at work and takes me to lunch. She says "You need to be careful what you say in the office. Someone told me this morning that you lock your children in the cellar."

I didn't stay there long.

 

[1293]

Crate training.

 

[dougbgt6]

Sadly I'm approaching that time in life where THEY are in charge.

Doug

 

[johnny k]

Another dad told me when they get out of control i yell ' shut up or i will kill your mum'
As a joke obviously, i don't want to get back in jail. Do you know how terrible the food is in there ?

 

[Old Deaf Roadie]

May sound like a cop out, but I left all that to Mrs. Roadie. My parents had 5 kids, I came along quite unexpectedly 6 years later, and by that time my folks were pretty much over raising another kid. I was basically raised by my sisters, and got disciplined every time any of them told my folks that I misbehaved, even if I could prove they were lying. I had nothing to base being a parent on. I even had to learn how to love kids.
Today I can say that our kids have grown into fine, successful adults that I love dearly, and having learned what I experienced as a child was not normal, I can strive to be the best parent and grandparent I can be.

 

[boris bubbanov]

I knew any kid, raised by me, would end up in the slammer..........

So, after considerable thought, I elected not to have any kids.

It worked!

:^)

 

[msalama]

elected not to have any kids

Me neither. They would've grown up psychopaths or some such with me as Dad. Gladly the wife didn't want any either...

 

[memorex]

If I were young enough to have kids, I would remind them when they're bad, that the day they turn 18, their mother and I are selling the house, and we're moving away and not telling them the forwarding address.

 

[keithb7]

Some comments are amusing. Yet in many instances unrealistic to many. Many parents devote their lives to raising their kids. From infants until whenever is necessary. Kicking them out at 18 makes no sense if they busted their ass, and made it into grad school to be a doctor. Paying their own way, not funded by Mom & Dad. Pretty sure you’d let them stay home as long as they needed. So they could pour everything into it without external distractions or stress, and hopefully succeed.

My kids are my single largest investment in my life. Financially and emotionally. I don’t know what it costs to raise a kid. In my opinion it’s worth every cent. I can’t imagine them or us moving away. They are independent of us now. They are doing very well. I sure enjoy having them over for dinner, drinks and visiting.