Have you written or done a speech at a funeral?

[Twofingerlou]

At my father’s funeral, all five sons spoke and hilarity ensued. My wife and I sang Far Side Bank of Jordan. The chapel was packed with 300-400 people.

My father was 94 when he died, so there was not the kind of grief that accompanies the death of a young person who has died unexpectedly. He was well-respected in his little town and many people enjoyed his sense of humor, which was generally dry and never at anyone’s expense. I believe the family and the “mourners” were treated to the most lighthearted funeral that they are likely to attend.

In contrast, I attended the funeral of my wife’s brother last week. He died at 86. The funeral service consisted of a priest reading and expounding on some scripture about man’s sinful nature, followed by ten minutes of silence, during which I expected somebody to speak or make music, then dismissal. It was no fun.

I’m glad hilarity ensued but the last thing grandma would want me to do would be sing haha. This is a small town thing but she knew soooo many people from her career she retired from. Her baking hobbies she would dish out ect. I’d bet money it might be a hell of a turnout.

 

[Ron R]

Thanks for all the reply’s on my last post regarding losing my grandma. I sat down and helped plan her funeral yesterday with some other members of the family. One of the questions was does anyone have anything they’d like to say or a speech, then at one point they turned to me.

Honestly since Saturday this has crossed my mind even before being asked and I started writing something. Is less more? Is telling any possible short funny stories acceptable? I’ve been to some and have had that happen and I think it kinda helped ease the tension a bit.

Lastly I don’t know if I could get through it, I will see when Friday comes. If I don’t think I can I have a backup.

If you can't get through it, it will still be more than just fine. Trust me.

The only funeral speech I ever gave, I was completely put on the spot. Literally. It was my ex-wife's uncle who had passed, and suddenly, her whole family specifically asked that I go up and speak because I was "good at that sort of thing". I had no idea what to say, I was completely blind-sided. Just speak from your heart, and it will be right.
Sorry about your grandma.

 

[ddewerd]

I did the eulogies for both my mom and dad in the past few years.

I kind of made an outline first - who were they, what did they mean to us (make sure it's family, friends, and acquaintances), and then a few stories that epitomize and personalize their best qualities. A few light hearted comments to get a fond chuckle of remembrance went over well.

I rehearsed it in my mind many times, and just used the outline as a guide, it came off more personal and genuine than just reading it.

But no matter what, it's a hard thing to do, but also a very honorable thing. Try to boil it down to their true essence, how can you bring that out in about 5 or so minutes? (FWIW, my notes/cheat sheet for 5-6 minutes was 3 double spaced pages).

Go over the outline and rehearse in your head, but don't worry about memorizing. Go through it a few times in your head, and your heart will lead you the rest of the way.

Best of luck, and also my sincere condolences.

Cheers,
Doug

 

[Ron R]

Not at the funeral. Better if you save the short funny stories for the dinner after (or a "Celebration of Life") if you have one.

Eh, I say funny stories can be appropriate based on the deceased and what they wanted. Personally, I don't want a bunch of morose malarkey at my funeral - I want a celebration. And if that includes funny stories, great! I do get to control the playlist though, and make people suffer my wildly variant musical whims one last time, haha.

 

[ReverendRevolver]

Thanks for all the reply’s on my last post regarding losing my grandma. I sat down and helped plan her funeral yesterday with some other members of the family. One of the questions was does anyone have anything they’d like to say or a speech, then at one point they turned to me.

Honestly since Saturday this has crossed my mind even before being asked and I started writing something. Is less more? Is telling any possible short funny stories acceptable? I’ve been to some and have had that happen and I think it kinda helped ease the tension a bit.

Lastly I don’t know if I could get through it, I will see when Friday comes. If I don’t think I can I have a backup.

I'm sorry for you loss.

I spoke and played/sang at my grandfathers funeral in 2019.

My cousin sort of sang before me. Without going into much detail, everyone was polite.

The pastor called me up. I introduced myself, and explained honestly that I'd be playing a song and then speaking, because I wasnt a good talker. I knew I'd be able to get through the song, 0 faith I'd make it through talking.

I played and sang an Eddy Arnold song my grandfather used to do in several bands (he played pedal steel).
Well, most of the people there associated that song with him. Half the room was sobbing by the time I finished.
So I'm standing in front of maybe 90 people, half I know. Plenty I don't are tearing up.
And I proceed to speak, from memory, what I wanted to say. Stopping after each sentence because I could barely speak, barely breathe. I made it to the end. Barely.
Grown men I'd never met before were crying.
And that's OK. Because the service is for the survivors, the living, to grieve, to remember, to celebrate the person who is no longer with us, but still on our minds.

If you can include a heartfelt funny story, that is way better than more sorrow. It's whatever you're able to do Friday. You'll know if you can do it.

Good luck.

 

[Toto'sDad]

Eh, I say funny stories can be appropriate based on the deceased and what they wanted. Persoanlly, I don't want a bunch of morose malarkey at my funeral - I want a celebration. And if that includes funny stories, great! I do get to control the playlist though, and make people suffer my wildly variant musical whims one last time, haha.

A few years ago, my brother-in-law's cousin passed. He was a well liked guy, and was well known in the little town a lot of us grew up in. Many at the funeral had known the deceased most of his life. There was some singing, and some stories being told, he was being laid to rest beside his wife who had passed on some years earlier. One of the deceased cousins who is a pastor officiated. It was a somber occasion.

Everything was going along just fine, the service was just about over, when Donnie got up and began to speak about his lifelong friend. It all started innocently enough, but soon began to include some pretty bazar tales from when Donnie, and the deceased were young. They got more and more outlandish as he waxed warm to his task at hand, before long, against their wishes, he had the whole crowd gathered there laughing out loud! The more they tried to suppress their laughter, the more infectious it became!

I was embarrassed beyond belief, but I was having to wipe tears from my eyes from laughing so hard. Mercifully, Donnie finally realized he had not only gone too far, but that he was out in front by ten furlongs. He just abruptly shut up, and they closed the service as quickly as possible. I've been to a lot of funerals, but I had, nor have ever again been to one that turned into a laugh fest.

 

[Joebanjocolo]

I have 2 older sisters and we all spoke at our parents funerals. My Dad passed in 2000 and when the girls approached me about speaking I thought they were out of their minds. I wrote a speech and I am truly grateful for the chance to speak. My mom died in 2020 and we did the same, and the grand kids also spoke at mom's funeral. The act of writing the speech and then giving it was very healing for our family. I would encourage most folks to speak at a loved ones funeral. You may not get thru it and that's ok, some one will help if you need it

 

[dogmeat]

yeah,,, did one for my uncle. the gist was... he was more like a big brother to me than an uncle. much younger than his brother (my father), so I pivoted around my perspective.

"Dave was a great guy to have as an uncle. I told a story about he and I being stuck in a leaky tent on a salmon river with bears wandering around, waiting for weather to clear so can dad get back to pick us up in the airplane. a duck hunt story from the '60s (stranded with candy and cigarettes from WWII C rations). then about how he used to take me to the hobby shop and buy me models to build... he was an expert and build them too. then.... he taught me some funny stories (I tell an off color poop joke that a 10 year old would like). and.. I got my first switchblade from him, explaining how that happened and that it was about inch and a half long. and also... he taught me a foreign language (followed by cursing in Spanish). then... I said something like "if I have offended you remember this... you asked me to speak, most of you know me.... what did you think was gonna happen?"

 

[Twofingerlou]

Thanks everyone! I like the idea of the written version as a base idea and kinda let it go with the flow

 

[teletimetx]

Sorry for the loss. I know the whole family must be grieving.

I was asked at the last minute to say a few things at my father-in-law’s funeral; no longer an in-law with that group. It was ok, maybe. He was a WWII vet, so the real highlight of the ceremony was when the local VFW organized uniformed servicemen to pull the flag off the casket, fold it in the triangle and present it to the widow.

If your grandmother had any such connections, don’t forget to include that in your speech.

Was also asked to deliver a eulogy for my mom - neither my brother nor sister wanted to, so by default, there you go. Fortunately, by this time, I was remarried and the new Mrs. 3T was a real speechwriter, and had written beau coup speeches. Serious stuff.

So we gathered some stories, there were many, and my wife did her craft. My mom had been an English teacher, a Red Cross swimming instructor and had worked at her church office for 30 years, so fairly well known.

All I had to do was deliver. Maybe 300 people. Got through it just fine; choked up hard for just one moment, recovered and finished ok. It was very helpful having the notes/speech written and read through in advance.

Best wishes & condolences to the whole family.

 

[Twofingerlou]

Sorry for the loss. I know the whole family must be grieving.

I was asked at the last minute to say a few things at my father-in-law’s funeral; no longer an in-law with that group. It was ok, maybe. He was a WWII vet, so the real highlight of the ceremony was when the local VFW organized uniformed servicemen to pull the flag off the casket, fold it in the triangle and present it to the widow.

If your grandmother had any such connections, don’t forget to include that in your speech.

Was also asked to deliver a eulogy for my mom - neither my brother nor sister wanted to, so by default, there you go. Fortunately, by this time, I was remarried and the new Mrs. 3T was a real speechwriter, and had written beau coup speeches. Serious stuff.

So we gathered some stories, there were many, and my wife did her craft. My mom had been an English teacher, a Red Cross swimming instructor and had worked at her church office for 30 years, so fairly well known.

All I had to do was deliver. Maybe 300 people. Got through it just fine; choked up hard for just one moment, recovered and finished ok. It was very helpful having the notes/speech written and read through in advance.

Best wishes & condolences to the whole family.

Thanks!

 

[Nightclub Dwight]

Sorry to hear about your Grandma. I bet she can never be replaced, but in a good way. She will always be with you.

I think you should think about a couple of things.

1. Funerals are for you, the rest of the family, and friends from the community. This is YOUR time to grieve, so don't be worried about what others might think. From your other threads I can infer that your relationship with your Grandma was important and meaningful to you. You do you and you'll be fine. Humor is always good.

2. Don't worry about breaking down while speaking. You will have a supportive audience rooting for you. No one will care if you get emotional. Seriously, don't worry about that.

You've got this. I know it hurts a lot right now, but in the coming years you will look back upon this day with pride, knowing that you honored your Grandma properly.

 

[dlew919]

It’s about her. Not about you. So speak about her. So many eulogies become about the eulogist. It’s easier to process too when you think about the deceased and not you.

 

[Bob Womack]

I'm sorry for your loss. Back in 2015, because I am the writer in my clan I was asked to write the obituary for my father. He and I were very, very close. Then I was asked to give the eulogy. I spent maybe eight hours over two days writing the obituary. In that, you are attempting to portray the life of a person to a remote audience. It gave me a lot of content for the eulogy.

In the eulogy, I decided to try to convey his personality. He made it fairly easy. He was the smartest, wisest, most loving, most measured, most gentle, strongest (in a quiet way) man I ever knew. He had a love for irony and a kid-like love for humor. He was rarely able to get through telling a joke without giggling. He was a scientist, and lived a child-like curiosity every moment of every day. When his health and his mind began to fail, he took it with the utmost calm and dignity.

I carried over a couple of lines from his obituary to say at the end that probably summed him up the best: "He was a man at peace with his world and at peace with his God."

So, I passed on a couple of his jokes and hilarious life experiences. I let the folks at the funeral come to know my father better. I left them upbeat, rather than downtrodden.

I hope some of that can help you craft your own eulogy for your grandma.

Bob

 

[ClashCityTele]

Sorry for your loss. Give your Grandma a great send off. Make it a celebration of her life.

I've written 3 eulogies - both my parents and my Aunt. The minister read them, not me.
Just a short history of their lives, what they achieved, what they enjoyed. Threw in a little humour.
My Dad was taken by that which cannot be spoken of. So that was pretty rough. There were still restrictions on how many could attend.

Hopefully you'll have a good turnout.

 

[john_cribbin]

Unfortunately I've had to do it more than once.

Remember you are in a very strong position. Everyone is rooting for you, however you feel, people will appreciate that you spoke. You'll know what's appropriate to say, humour is fine. If Grandma would appreciate whay you say, then it is fine to say it.

Use an old public speakers trick. Suck a thoat lozenge before you speak. Something that will open the airways, that will reduce the chance of getting a frog mid speech.

It will go fine and you will make grandma proud.

 

[Tonetele]

My son has at his best friend's , the friend was in a fatal car collision with a gum tree age, 17. Huge funeral as we all knew the family and the whole community attended- people standing outside the chapel. Tee Trea Gully is a hills community of a larger city.but more like a town .A lovely young man struck down. My son made the speech humerous, reminiscent and wise. The victim's grandfather said ; " If it wasn't improper, I'd've clapped"
I was worried about my son who was visibly shaken, but did a great job. A tough task for anyone at any age.
Weird thing- in his final months our dog used to go crazy ( not violent) when the lad visited- unusually excited when the lad came over.

 

[Old Deaf Roadie]

To the OP, I am sorry for your loss, and sincerely hope you come through this and grow from it.

I have spoken at one funeral, and played music for a few. Then, afterward, I often have been subjected to the always-popular-despite-being-in-bad-taste "people are dying to hear you play" har har har, which frustrates me because I have only played for those who I was very close to and the jokesters don't even remotely understand the level of emotion I have to quash in order to even start to play, much less finish the song.

 

[dougstrum]

I spoke at my dad's and at my brother's. I think it is cathartic to speak at the service for someone you were close to, who played an important role in your life.
Tell what they meant to you, tell of their character, and use a few stories that exemplify those things.

My brother loved my guitar playing and by extension all the folks I played with.
He traveled a pretty hard road. At his service a bunch of us played "Poor Wayfaring Stranger" I'm sure he was smiling down on us.

 

[stormsedge]

I did both of my parent's "celebrations of life"...all good. I've done numerous burials at sea for vets...the bulk of that is scripted.