Grief is a terrible thing

[boris bubbanov]

Passing through the phases of it is what we're wired to do naturally. Impeding that process is what keeps us in pain.

Absolutely.

I'm kind of stuck right now, an uneasy situation but nothing, nothing on the scale of what the O.P. is having to contend with right now. My 92 year old aunt (my Dad's baby sister) was widowed a number of months ago and now, she as well has passed. So now my aunt and my uncle are gone.

But my sister has decided we won't say anything to my parents about my aunt's passing. Mom and Dad are too fragile, sister thinks and probably she's right, but this puts the rest of us in the sort of limbo, as we try to imagine what we'd say if my parents ask if I've talked to my aunt lately. Part of me wants to celebrate my aunt's life with my parents, but another part of me knows that consensus is a precious thing when it comes to such things.

 

[MyLittleEye]

As an only child who lost my own mother early on, and only recently my father I have a little bit of sympathy for the Brother In Law. Depression has severely inhibited me at times, not in a sad "woe is me" kind of way, more in an emotionless, overwhelmed and inability to be proactive sort of way. I'd suggest engaging and involving him as much as you you can and without judgement or expectation. He may simply not have the capacity to process everything that needs to be done. It's certainly been a struggle for me on my own.

 

[Andy B]

I had a brother in law that was much the same. Lived with his mother until she was in assisted living. From 2000 miles away my wife and I instructed his lawyer on what to do. When he died 18 months later we were tasked with settling the estate. This was during the height of the Covid hoax.
Just know that you did what you had to and take comfort in that you were there to comfort and support your wife in her time of need.

 

[mexicanyella]

It sounds to me like your wife has an engaged and supportive partner in this. Keep it up. It sounds like you’re going through a very hard time, but with your support and you being there to be a sounding board and some time to process it, she—and you—will come out the other side.

 

[Informal]

I know TDPRI isn’t the place for this and I’m sorry.

That's where you're wrong.... This forum is the perfect place for this.
Check my history... I've shared similar things here, more often than I have shared them with some (possibly) most of my close friends and family members.

I can't begin to explain, why I sometimes feel more comfortable dumping life's worst on my guitar forum buddies... But I do...
And I've never regretted it.

Sorry for you and your family's loss.

 

[deepintheblues]

That's where you're wrong.... This forum is the perfect place for this.
Check my history... I've shared similar things here, more often than I have shared them with some (possibly) most of my close friends and family members.

I can't begin to explain, why I sometimes feel more comfortable dumping life's worst on my guitar forum buddies... But I do...
And I've never regretted it.

Sorry for you and your family's loss.

Thank you for this. Feel better for just dumping this on people

 

[deepintheblues]

Absolutely.

I'm kind of stuck right now, an uneasy situation but nothing, nothing on the scale of what the O.P. is having to contend with right now. My 92 year old aunt (my Dad's baby sister) was widowed a number of months ago and now, she as well has passed. So now my aunt and my uncle are gone.

But my sister has decided we won't say anything to my parents about my aunt's passing. Mom and Dad are too fragile, sister thinks and probably she's right, but this puts the rest of us in the sort of limbo, as we try to imagine what we'd say if my parents ask if I've talked to my aunt lately. Part of me wants to celebrate my aunt's life with my parents, but another part of me knows that consensus is a precious thing when it comes to such things.

I am sorry for this you are facing. It’s one of those where there is no right answer. I really wish you and your family well

 

[deepintheblues]

As an only child who lost my own mother early on, and only recently my father I have a little bit of sympathy for the Brother In Law. Depression has severely inhibited me at times, not in a sad "woe is me" kind of way, more in an emotionless, overwhelmed and inability to be proactive sort of way. I'd suggest engaging and involving him as much as you you can and without judgement or expectation. He may simply not have the capacity to process everything that needs to be done. It's certainly been a struggle for me on my own.

Thank you. We have been trying, it’s not easy but we have been trying.

 

[JustABluesGuy]

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I understand. I lost my father and younger brother at the same time.

My elderly parents had been supporting my brother, even driving 30 miles round trip every week or so to give him money. I was concerned about what was going to happen to him without them there to help him (we had to move mom out of state closer to my brother and myself).

When I talked to him last, and asked if he was going to be ok, he exploded in my face, and cut off communication with all of his siblings.

Just keep being there for your wife and it will eventually get better. Take care.

 

[bigbean]

I'm very sad to hear about your loss. There is no safe way around grief, unfortunately, the only safe way is through it. It's a painful time. Prayers for comfort for you and your family.

 

[HootOwlDude]

I know TDPRI isn’t the place for this and I’m sorry.

We lost my Father in Law in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

Although we were with him when he passed and in the hours leading up to to it, we feel it was so badly managed by the hospital.

My wife was telling him how much she loved him, how he was the best dad in the world, but she is still tearing herself apart with grief, anger at how the hospital badly managed things, guilt over things that she doesn’t need to feel guilt about, and it’s killing me watch her do this to herself. I’ve lost both my parents, I know the pain she is in and unless a person has lived it no one can truly understand it. I keep trying to reassure her he knew we were there and he could hear us. Nighttime is the worst she replays things, I’m awake with her trying to comfort her. She lost her mom when she was 3 years old, she is so close to her dad, he never remarried. She has a brother, but she worried what is going to happen with him. He never grew up, never moved out, his dad did pretty much everything, paid bills etc. now we’ve got him to look after as well. It’s not that he would be incapable, it’s almost as if someone else is about he’ll let them deal with things. He’s taken no part in making arrangements, he lives in their dads home, we went to see him, talk about things he started talking about a Football team that had been relegated, I wanted to scream at him, to help his sister, to get involved. To not just leave this to us. The funeral arrangements it’s the last thing he can do for his dad and it’s so important to get it right for his dad and for his sister, to help her, but he’s not doing anything. The day his dad died he went home and said he slept for 13 hours. My wife in her own words is utterly bereft.

I am really sorry for your loss and all the difficult feelings and scenarios you and yours are dealing with. I still hold a grudge toward the hospital for the way my mother left us a few years ago, and dealing with my dad since has been very hard and strange. Anyway, I hope things get brighter for you and your family soon. Sending positive vibes!

 

[lowatter]

Condolences. Sounds like her brother is a lazy mooch. I hope your wife has power of attorney of the house and forces him out to get a life(just an opinion from what I previously read). It would be the best thing for him. JMHOYMMV

 

[Doctorx33]

I am heartily sorry to hear of the loss of your father in law.

 

[SuprHtr]

You have my sympathy. I think about these things daily as my mom, my step mom, and my in laws are getting up in years. We lost my dad when he turned 60, many years ago. Grief takes time, but the process is inevitable. I’m glad that you are there for your wife.

 

[Vibroluxer]

Like the others, Im sorry for your loss and offer my condolences.

Just an idea to keep in your back pocket, grief counselors can be worth their weight in gold.

Here's to hoping for a restful night for you and your missis.

 

[ndcaster]

my uncle lost his wife (my aunt) two years ago and has been a wreck ever since -- he's like 91 or 92 and was married for 70+ years

his eldest son is turning 65 in July

it blows my mind that we can now be living with parents we've known well for six or more decades

 

[jrblue]

Everything the OP describes is, in my experience and opinion, typically human. Not ideal, even hurtful and bad, but well within the bounds of common human behaviors. Time and the press of circumstances will force actions and decisions that some people are avoiding, even refusing to make. From my distant perspective, it appears to me that your wife is truly suffering both from the present circumstances and because she is choosing to suffer for past life, which is beyond anyone's power to change. If helpful ideas and explanations do not reach her, which is easily possible where grief is concerned, then kindness and support in the present moment are probably all you can give. Truth is, we all miss opportunities make mistakes, and make choices that come out bad. It's easy to justify guilt -- after all, we are often enough guilty for sure -- and the only way we move on is to accept our humanness and our imperfections. There is no sure way to accomplish this. Almost always, the progress of time and the experience of life continuing, for both better and worse, brings us back. As for the unhelpful people, the a-holes, and the irresponsible individuals, I have no help to offer. I usually speak to them respectfully and if nothing changes, I call them out. That's hardly a good outcome, but I can't leave it alone when a person troubles others by not doing their own part.
I am very sorry for your loss and distress, and particularly for the agony your wife is experiencing. I know no honest way to "spin" loss and grief away with smart talk; all I know how to do is to embrace reality and try to perceive the entirety of the situation, including the awful parts, but not excluding the blessings and aspects that serve some larger good.

 

[Tele-beeb]

My sympathy @deepintheblues.
I lost my Dad January 2022… grief took my personal will. I can’t put into words (for others to read) what it did to me. I floated on the surrounding support of my family and if not for the unfinished building project (I was in) and the band my son(in-law) and I were starting, I am convinced I would have fallen.
The projects and time have allowed a cocoon to form around my grief. It is still there, but compartmentalized in the former me. The other me.
I don’t necessarily have regrets… however, the ‘now’ me tries to live more in the present. I find we all have a hard time experiencing ‘the present’ and fully appreciating it.
I strive to breathe deeply every moment, no matter how exciting or mundane that moment may be.

 

[deepintheblues]

My sympathy @deepintheblues.
I lost my Dad January 2022… grief took my personal will. I can’t put into words (for others to read) what it did to me. I floated on the surrounding support of my family and if not for the unfinished building project (I was in) and the band my son(in-law) and I were starting, I am convinced I would have fallen.
The projects and time have allowed a cocoon to form around my grief. It is still there, but compartmentalized in the former me. The other me.
I don’t necessarily have regrets… however, the ‘now’ me tries to live more in the present. I find we all have a hard time experiencing ‘the present’ and fully appreciating it.
I strive to breathe deeply every moment, no matter how exciting or mundane that moment may be.

Thank you

 

[howardlo]

My sincerest condolences to you and your wife. Her pain impacts you too, be sure and take care of yourself so you can care for her.

Nope. Do not do this! About time the man started acting like man.

^^ this