Grief is a terrible thing

[ChicknPickn]

Passing through the phases of it is what we're wired to do naturally. Impeding that process is what keeps us in pain.

 

[Stubee]

That’s a very tough situation. I’m sorry for you and your wife.

We recently lost my FIL and his last days were to me made immeasurably worse by decisions on “care” one of his sons made. I’ve been around a bit and it was and is incomprehensible to me that any offspring would treat their father, who was in all ways far more than just a good man, so poorly. I’m actually taking action against the facility he spent his last days in, and what I witnessed was so bad I haven’t yet been able to tell my wife because I’m afraid she can’t handle it right now.

My own family was no help in arranging things for our mother’s or father’s funeral etc. I helped my father with the first and set up the second to honor him as best I could. I’m sorry you have an in-law who’s no help and it may be small condolence but arranging things yourself could prove far simpler than arguing with a sibling?

On your BIL, only you guys can judge just how much you have to “support” him. I have difficult siblings and my answer after many years to the question “how much more support must I give?” was “not much”. My best to you.

 

[Toto'sDad]

Unfortunately, you simply cannot change another person's behavior, nor dictate how they will behave in a situation. Do the best you can for your wife and leave the brother alone. It's my guess, you're not done with him yet, be strong for your wife. The brother will probably continue to be a problem, the sooner you accept that, and just put him on ignore, the better.

 

[Tone Quest]

I've been where you now are. Be the rock your wife needs, and offer endless encouragement. Grief comes in many forms.

 

[Bob M]

In the last 4 years I lost my Dad, my wife and my Mother. It’s difficult but to respect and honor their lives you need to go forward. Condolences to you and your family.

 

[Nightclub Dwight]

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief is hard, but there is no escaping it. When it all seems hopeless, just remember that the grief will eventually pass.

Unfortunately, the brother in law seems to be a lifelong problem. Good luck with that, but don't worry about it at this point.

 

[Hodgo88]

My condolences.

From the outside looking in, I can't help but wonder about the brother. Not that any of this is your burden, but the sleeping for 13 hours and then the derailing of the conversation - it sounds like he lacks the emotional intelligence / regulation needed to actually process the grief he is feeling and is actively avoiding it like he has his other responsibilities.

Now that the person who has enabled his behavior is gone, somewhere deep down I bet he understands that... not only has he lost his dad, but he also has to become a man overnight... something he has probably internalized as not necessary or maybe even possible before today. He's at a fork in the road and it's going to be rough going either direction.

 

[RodeoTex]

May you and your wife find peace and strength.
Please don't assume you're automatically going to have to take responsibility for your brother in law.
When my mom passed away she was in the hospital but expected to be released.
I got a call one day saying "patient's name is dead. What do you want to do with body?"
Hell of a way to find out.

 

[String Tree]

I know TDPRI isn’t the place for this and I’m sorry.

We lost my Father in Law in the early hours of Tuesday morning.

Although we were with him when he passed and in the hours leading up to to it, we feel it was so badly managed by the hospital.

My wife was telling him how much she loved him, how he was the best dad in the world, but she is still tearing herself apart with grief, anger at how the hospital badly managed things, guilt over things that she doesn’t need to feel guilt about, and it’s killing me watch her do this to herself. I’ve lost both my parents, I know the pain she is in and unless a person has lived it no one can truly understand it. I keep trying to reassure her he knew we were there and he could hear us. Nighttime is the worst she replays things, I’m awake with her trying to comfort her. She lost her mom when she was 3 years old, she is so close to her dad, he never remarried. She has a brother, but she worried what is going to happen with him. He never grew up, never moved out, his dad did pretty much everything, paid bills etc. now we’ve got him to look after as well. It’s not that he would be incapable, it’s almost as if someone else is about he’ll let them deal with things. He’s taken no part in making arrangements, he lives in their dads home, we went to see him, talk about things he started talking about a Football team that had been relegated, I wanted to scream at him, to help his sister, to get involved. To not just leave this to us. The funeral arrangements it’s the last thing he can do for his dad and it’s so important to get it right for his dad and for his sister, to help her, but he’s not doing anything. The day his dad died he went home and said he slept for 13 hours. My wife in her own words is utterly bereft.

Sorry for your Loss.
Sorry that those who should step in and help, are choosing not to.

 

[deepintheblues]

Guys. Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

My mom passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago and it's been devastating for my family. My dad has gone into depression but he recognizes it and is getting help/therapy. What you are doing for your wife is exactly what she needs. My wife was there for me and if it wasn't for her, I'm not sure if I could have handled it as well. Grieving is gonna take time but keep doing what you’re doing. I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Your wife sounds amazing. I know this is so raw for you right now and I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to reply. Your dad is doing the right thing, I know it’s not easy to reach out for help but I am so glad he is. Love to you and family

 

[deepintheblues]

May you and your wife find peace and strength.
Please don't assume you're automatically going to have to take responsibility for your brother in law.
When my mom passed away she was in the hospital but expected to be released.
I got a call one day saying "patient's name is dead. What do you want to do with body?"
Hell of a way to find out.

My God. That is a terrible way to talk to someone to give that sort of news. I am so sorry. Very often people delivering that message have never lived the experience and have idea of the devastation it brings.

 

[deepintheblues]

My condolences.

From the outside looking in, I can't help but wonder about the brother. Not that any of this is your burden, but the sleeping for 13 hours and then the derailing of the conversation - it sounds like he lacks the emotional intelligence / regulation needed to actually process the grief he is feeling and is actively avoiding it like he has his other responsibilities.

Now that the person who has enabled his behavior is gone, somewhere deep down I bet he understands that... not only has he lost his dad, but he also has to become a man overnight... something he has probably internalized as not necessary or maybe even possible before today. He's at a fork in the road and it's going to be rough going either direction.

I think you have hit the nail of the head. While my father in law was in hospital and very ill I told him I would look after my wife and his son and make sure they were ok. All the time my father in law was alive and relatively well I always said that once my FIL had passed, that as I was concerned my BIL would be on his own and my wife said the same. But I can’t do that not just because of the promise i made, but we can’t just cut him off, can’t do it.

 

[deepintheblues]

@deepintheblues

I feel your pain, brother.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is reassure your wife that grief is a normal experience, and it can be intense because her reality has been completely flipped over...but the intensity does pass. It's a process that must run its course--and it will.

Taking control of all arrangements will help with the grief because it helps reinforce the fact that not everything is completely out of one's control. Don't depend on her brother to do anything. If he's been disengaged all his life and still is now, no amount of prodding or pleading or outrage will change his mind set. Do what you need to do to take care of your wife and help her through this. Stay active. Go for walks. You don't have to say anything...just be there for her.

There will be sleepless nights and there will be emotional moments seemingly out of nowhere, but the enormity of it all does pass.

The one comfort I take from losing my parents is they continue to live on through me: I do things and say things and I catch myself and think, "That's my mom/dad talking!" It happens a lot. They're never completely gone from my life.

Mojo to you and your wife.

Thank you for the time you took to reply. You are right parents never really leave us. They are in our memories. My FIL was a good man, a man who lost his wife in 40’s leaving him with two children to raise. He worked so hard. I was lucky enough to marry his daughter and get to know him.

 

[deepintheblues]

I was estranged from my older brother for years because of how he treated our mom. But I came to realize that he was happiest when he could make other people do what he wanted. I finally let that go and stopped worrying about what he did and concentrated on my own actions.

He died suddenly a number of years ago and the last time I saw him we had a cordial conversation. If I had not let things go and still focused on his bad behavior I would have the memory of being angry at him the last time we spoke.

Maybe not now but after she has dealt with her grief you can help her to let go of the resentment.

When my mom died my wife really stepped up and handled things when I couldn’t. Continue to be there for her and pay attention to details that might be missed. Prayers for you and your family.

We have spent a good few hours talking about her brother. We know we are going to have to help him, it’s the right thing to do and on a selfish level it also provides us with sense of peace.

 

[deepintheblues]

Don't be too so quick & harsh to judge what the healthcare system did or didn't do as handled properly or mishandled. At a certain point the smoke & mirrors of prolonging anyone's life is the best anyone can do. That's all they really have for any one of us. There are no parachutes & guarantees on this side. Expiring from natural causes are what they are.

I know and understand passing from natural causes is the order of things. When my FIL was admitted to A&E we said we had been told by the renal consultant at his last appointment he was approaching end of life. He had been referred to a hospice. The A&E Dr’s said ‘No, he’s not there yet?”
We took them at their word.
On the Monday my wife took a phone call, saying we need to speak to you now.
On arrival we spoke to two Dr’s. I asked can we have a referral to the palliative care team? “Yes.” I said “can we see and speak to them today?” “Yes”. Transpires that referral was never done. He was supposed to see another specialist team to help him deal with his swallowing, we were unable to give him water and he was so thirsty, they never arrived either. We were on an open ward for hours with all the noise that brings. We were left to care for him, help him bring the phlegm on his chest (He had developed pneumonia, and also had congestive heart failure) we were asking repeatedly to move to side room somewhere more peaceful. Or can we move to the hospice. After 13 hours and much complaining we’re we moved to a side room.

In case you are wondering we live in the UK. Every healthcare system has its downsides, I honestly believed the NHS was at one point the best in the world, the ability to go into A&E not having to produce a credit card and walk out without facing a crippling bill was a basic human right. But I honestly feel the NHS is so broken. The staff are utterly indifferent, so little compassion shown to my FIL or his family.

So yeah I do judge them harshly. We watched him suffer, I have watched my wife suffer, I’ve watched her tear herself apart with guilt, when my FIL passing could have been managed so much better, not just for him, he was going to be saved, but for those left behind. In these circumstances you aren’t just treating the patient you are treating the family as well.

 

[deepintheblues]

That’s a very tough situation. I’m sorry for you and your wife.

We recently lost my FIL and his last days were to me made immeasurably worse by decisions on “care” one of his sons made. I’ve been around a bit and it was and is incomprehensible to me that any offspring would treat their father, who was in all ways far more than just a good man, so poorly. I’m actually taking action against the facility he spent his last days in, and what I witnessed was so bad I haven’t yet been able to tell my wife because I’m afraid she can’t handle it right now.

My own family was no help in arranging things for our mother’s or father’s funeral etc. I helped my father with the first and set up the second to honor him as best I could. I’m sorry you have an in-law who’s no help and it may be small condolence but arranging things yourself could prove far simpler than arguing with a sibling?

On your BIL, only you guys can judge just how much you have to “support” him. I have difficult siblings and my answer after many years to the question “how much more support must I give?” was “not much”. My best to you.

I am so sorry for all the losses you have faced.

 

[deepintheblues]

So very sorry for your loss and the aftermath of grieving. We have lost my parents and my father in law. Celebrating my mother in laws 94th down in South Texas. And one day we will be grieving her loss. Best you can do is reassure yourself and your wife that it does ease with time, and just love and support her. And the funeral and how it goes is a big part of saying one last goodbye. It should help with the grieving process. There is no getting around it, it is just difficult to process and deal with. My prayers for you and your family.

Thank you so much for these words. I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered. We can’t find a video yet of my FIL talking and my wife so wants to hear his voice. Please take videos of your MIL and have as many stories from her and family as you can.

 

[boris bubbanov]

I’m so sorry. But you’re doing what you can to help your wife. That’s what’s important right now. Not the words. Just being there.

Bill is so right. You and your wife are going to get through this - things will work out. And remind yourself how lucky you are, not to be "the brother".

 

[deepintheblues]

In the last 4 years I lost my Dad, my wife and my Mother. It’s difficult but to respect and honor their lives you need to go forward. Condolences to you and your family.

Thank you for replying. I am so sorry for your losses.

 

[telleutelleme]

I lost my wife two years ago. Grief is difficult and has so many layers. You really have no choice but to stay the course. Support your wife as best you can. My prayers to you and your family.