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Got any Jokes ?

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by mally, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. dlew919

    dlew919 Doctor of Teleocity

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    What's the definition of mixed emotion?

    Watching your mother in law drive your Porsche over a cliff
     
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  2. rz350

    rz350 Friend of Leo's Ad Free Member

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    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

    Nacho cheese...
     
  3. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. rz350

    rz350 Friend of Leo's Ad Free Member

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    A guy is putting gas in his car, and accidentally splashes some on his sleeve, he drives down the road and as he lights a cigarette his sleeve starts on fire.

    As he's wildly waving it out the window to try to put it out, a cop pulls him over and cites him for...

    ... illegal display of a fire arm...
     
  5. dlew919

    dlew919 Doctor of Teleocity

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    Young murphy decides to join the police force. The sergeant looks at him and says 'well murphy, we like good catholic lads. So I want you to tell me who killed Jesus.'

    Murphy says 'I don't know?'

    The Sgt says 'look why don't you go away and think about it and come back when you know the answer'

    Murphy goes away. On the way home he runs into his friend O'Neill. O'Neill asks 'so did you get in?'

    Murphy says 'not only did I get I, I've been assigned my first murder case'
     
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  6. Henry

    Henry Tele-Holic

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    The 6th grade English teacher begins the morning lesson by saying, "Today children I'd like you all to think of a sentence that contains the word contagious".
    There's a moments silence as the students think then the teacher says, "Katie Miller, can you give me a sentence using the word contagious?". Katie answers, "When I had the measles, my dad told me I was contagious". "Well done Katie, now Jonathan Brown can you please give me a sentence using the word contagious?". Jonathan thought hard before saying, "the plague is a contagious disease". "Very good Jonathan, that's a very good answer".
    Then the teacher turned to Patrick O'Brien and asked him for a sentence using the word contagious. Patrick looked vexed and thought long and hard before saying, "Me and my old Dad was watching this bloke painting the side of his house with a two inch brush and my Dad said, that job 'll take that contagious".
     
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  7. jtees4

    jtees4 Tele-Afflicted

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    A blond girl walks into the house and announces..."Mom, I am pregnant!"....and the blond Mom asks..."are you sure it's yours?"
     
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  8. Lost_N_Austin

    Lost_N_Austin Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Works for me:
    [​IMG]


    Lost_N_Austin
     
  9. dlew919

    dlew919 Doctor of Teleocity

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    Little johnny and little Freddy have developed foul mouths. Their parents are distraught and ask their grandmother for help. Grandma a very upright and proper old school lady says 'leaveit with me'.

    Next morning little Freddy comes down and grandma asks 'what would you like for breakfast, my darling grandchild?'

    Freddy says 'gimme some of them %^#*}% pancakes grandma.'

    THWACK !!! Little Freddy goes flying across the room, crashing into thee furniture.

    'Now my darling johnny. What would you like for breakfast?'

    Johnny replies '^}%}*{% if I know but it sure as ^}*#* won't be any of them ):&:&;$ pancakes'.
     
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  10. Stringbanger

    Stringbanger Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Three Irish guys, Murphy, Jack, and Paddy, were on their way out for a night of roving.

    When Murphy yells, "Jack, stop up here at St. Michaels, I forgot Confession last week". Jack pulls up to the church, and Murphy runs in.

    Father Killian spots Murphy right away and says, "What is it my son"? Murphy replies, "I have committed adultery Father." Father Killian nods toward the confessional.

    Once seated, Father Killian asks, " Was it Mrs. McGillicuddy? "No", Murphy replied. Father Killian asks, "Was it Mrs. Kilkenny?" "Not her", Murphy answered. "How about Mrs. O' Brian?" asks the priest. "Nope, not her either", says Murphy.

    At that point Murphy says, "Father, I must be going". Father Killian said, "Come back son when your memory serves you better".

    Murphy makes it back to the car, and Paddy asks, "Well you confessed now, didn't ya?" Murphy replies, "No, but I got us three good leads."
     
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  11. rz350

    rz350 Friend of Leo's Ad Free Member

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    Why did the golfer carry an extra sock?

    In case he got a hole in one...
     
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  12. chezdeluxe

    chezdeluxe Poster Extraordinaire

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    Pat and Mick were running a pub but were going broke.

    Pat said "I've got a idea Mick. Let's turn the pub into a brothel"

    Mick rolled his eyes and said "For the love of God Pat, if we can't make money selling beer how do you think we will make money selling broth"
     
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  13. Stringbanger

    Stringbanger Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Hmmm.
     
  14. Brokenpick

    Brokenpick Tele-Afflicted

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    Guess what
    Chicken butt

    (Isn't there an island somewhere, where all these are manufactured, and distributed? ...but watch out for pencil stabbings.....)
     
  15. Little Ricky

    Little Ricky Tele-Holic Silver Supporter

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    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?







    He worked it out with a pencil.
     
  16. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Alternate: he worked the logs out with the help of a slide rule. (I'm that old, I get it!)
     
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  17. dlew919

    dlew919 Doctor of Teleocity

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    The agnostic dyslexic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog, while his devil worshipping dyslexic brother sold his soul to santa.

    They were both members of the DNA - the national association of dyslexics.
     
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  18. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Doctor of Teleocity

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    Why do cows wear bells?

    Because their horns don't work!
     
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  19. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Doctor of Teleocity

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    My dog kept chasing people on bikes.

    Eventually I had to lock the bikes up.
     
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  20. dlew919

    dlew919 Doctor of Teleocity

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    Two brothers found they had to live on opposite sides of the country but made sure they rang each other each week. One week the brother in Perth had some bad news for his Sydney sibling. 'The cat died'

    Sydney said 'that's a terrible way to break the news. You know how much I loved the cat and you should have prepared me.'

    'How?'

    'Well use a few phone calls. The first one you could have said the cats on the roof. Then in the second one you could have said he fell off and is in a bad way. Then In The third one you could have broken the news. I'd have been prepared. '

    The next week Perth rings.

    'Mums on the roof'
     
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