1. Win a Broadcaster or one of 3 Teles! The annual Supporting Member Giveaway is on. To enter Click Here. To see all the prizes and full details Click Here. To view the thread about the giveaway Click Here.

Got any Jokes ?

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by mally, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. Stringbanger

    Stringbanger Telefied Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    25,849
    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2013
    Location:
    West O' Philly, PA
    This...has to win worst joke of the thread, but considering the source, I can't help but think that it was intended that way.:lol:
     
    w3stie likes this.
  2. DucksEliminated

    DucksEliminated Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    207
    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2013
    Location:
    South East North Dakota
    What do you call a cow with 3 legs? "Lean beef"

    What do you call a cow with no legs? "Ground beef"

    What do you call a cow with 2 legs? "Your mom"

    (Joke courtesy of a 3rd grader in my wife's class)
     
    badfish_lewis and elihu like this.
  3. Stringbanger

    Stringbanger Telefied Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    25,849
    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2013
    Location:
    West O' Philly, PA
    I was just thinkin' that w3stie's one joke won "The Worst Joke Post", until I read this post. Yeah, yous Bakersfieldians need some rain!
     
    Toto'sDad likes this.
  4. soulgeezer

    soulgeezer Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    8,880
    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2006
    Location:
    Sinatra's World
    True fact:

    Tolls are charged at all bridges and tunnels leaving New Jersey.

    NO tolls are charged at any crossing into New Jersey.

    Why?

    Nobody is willing to pay to get into New Jersey, but after they've been here a while, everybody's willing to pay to get out!

    (That really is true, by the way)
     
    JustABluesGuy likes this.
  5. teletubby25

    teletubby25 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2013
    Location:
    ct.
    A baby seal walks into a club...
     
    badfish_lewis and Stringbanger like this.
  6. teletubby25

    teletubby25 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2013
    Location:
    ct.
    A piece of string walks into a bar, walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says we don't serve your kind in here, get out! so the piece of string walks out. While outside he gets mad and ties himself up and messes himself up, he walks back in and up to the bar. The bartender sees him and says hey, didn't I just throw you out of here? The piece of string looks at him and says I'm a frayed knot! insert rimshot here
     
    badfish_lewis likes this.
  7. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    46,891
    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2011
    Location:
    Bakersfield
    It's OK I forgot there for a moment you might read it Stringbanger, and you bein' From Pennsylvania and all, I shoulda wrote it slower. :lol::lol:
     
    ravindave_3600 and Stringbanger like this.
  8. teletubby25

    teletubby25 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    331
    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2013
    Location:
    ct.
    What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? Hey, where's my tractor
     
    4 Cat Slim and Stringbanger like this.
  9. Stringbanger

    Stringbanger Telefied Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    25,849
    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2013
    Location:
    West O' Philly, PA
    Here's a few that could be used on stage:

    "We just got a request, but we're gonna keep on playin' anyway."

    "Our (insert band member, it's usually the bass player) is living proof, that you don't have to be a gambler to be a loser."

    "The bad news is that someone lost a purse. The good news is that it was found by...huh... Helen Hunt. So if you lost your purse go to Helen Hunt."

    "I just heard that Bob Dylan might be getting back together."

    "We would like to thank The Penal System Of (insert your state's name), for their wonderful work-release program, which allows our (insert band member, it's usually the drummer) to be with us tonight."

    "One time this guy told me to stick my guitar where the sun don't shine, and I thought, now that will be difficult to tune from that position."

    "If its tourist season, why can't we shoot 'em."

    Bob: "Boy, there sure are some ugly faces here tonight. Could someone turn the house lights down?"

    Bill: "Yeah Bob that's your family here tonight."

    The two requests we get the most are "Where's The Bathroom", and "What Time Do You Stop Playin'?"
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
    Fiesta Red, TheletterJ and Steve 78 like this.
  10. Stringbanger

    Stringbanger Telefied Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    25,849
    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2013
    Location:
    West O' Philly, PA
    Dagnabit T......D......nooooowww..... Yyyyyoooouuurrr tttttaaallllkkin' tttttttoooooo ffffffaaaaassssttttt ffffffooooorrrr mmmmmmmeee!
     
    Toto'sDad likes this.
  11. soulgeezer

    soulgeezer Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    8,880
    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2006
    Location:
    Sinatra's World
    Did you hear what happened when Keith Richards got the results of his blood test?

    They found some blood in his heroin stream!
     
    Fiesta Red and Toto'sDad like this.
  12. jannodude

    jannodude Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    31
    Posts:
    1,490
    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2016
    Location:
    Bay Area/California
    Once there was a sperm named Jimmy. When all the other sperm were swimming laps, Jimmy was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperm asked him, "Why don't you just swim laps with us?" Jimmy replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Jimmy pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped, turned around and headed back. The others saw him and said, "the vagina is that way you idiot, why did you turn around" He replied, it's a false alarm, it's a f*cking BLOW JOB!"
     
  13. Deeve

    Deeve Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    6,111
    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2009
    Location:
    Ballard
    hotdog walks into a bar - bartender sez "sorry, we don't serve food here..."
     
  14. Deeve

    Deeve Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    6,111
    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2009
    Location:
    Ballard
    Is it any better than the t-rex's unfortunate fail? tmp_4678-PullMyHair-661169418.jpg
     
  15. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    54,851
    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2009
    Location:
    Kelowna, BC, Canuckistan
    Arms ... too ... short!
     
    Tazz3 likes this.
  16. richiek65

    richiek65 Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    3,891
    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2012
    Location:
    Sydney NSW Australia
    When Jimi Hendrix died they did an autopsy..they cut him open and do you know what they found inside? Keith Richards!
     
  17. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Doctor of Teleocity

    Posts:
    10,043
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Location:
    UK
    I've spent weeks alone at home studying escapology.
    I need to get out more.


    "Ok audience.... If anyone here who is telekinetic could raise my hand"


    I told everyone I was going to be a comedian when I grew up.
    They all just laughed. Well now I'm a comedian and they are not laughing now!


    There are two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'So how do we drive this thing then?'
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2016
  18. elihu

    elihu Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    8,525
    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2009
    Location:
    Texas
    Another cow joke...why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?


    Because the cow has the udder.
     
    MrCairo46 and DucksEliminated like this.
  19. beejay493

    beejay493 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    109
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2009
    Location:
    tyne and wear uk
    A GP walks into a bar.......says"I need a smokey cocktail"-barman says"you need a hickory daiquiri,doc".
     
  20. Seasicksailor

    Seasicksailor Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,737
    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2012
    Location:
    Keynsham UK
    Heheh! Some good ones here... thanks for the chuckles!

    This has been my favourite for months now:

    - How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    - You cook it in the oven until its bill withers.
     
    Fiesta Red, rz350, richiek65 and 2 others like this.
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
No sex, drug, political, religion or hate discussion permitted here.