Ghosted on a project...then contacted again

Discussion in 'Band Wagon' started by Flat6Driver, Mar 9, 2019.

  1. Flat6Driver

    Flat6Driver Friend of Leo's

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    A few years back I was in touch with a guy that wanted to set up an acoustic duo. We got together a few times and worked on some stuff. We took it to an open mic (which was a bit rough) and then got together one more time after that. Then he ghosted me. I never heard from him again. But, oddly, he found me in Linked in and connected. We've had no other contact.

    I had a bandmix page running and I don't do much with it, but have some samples there. You can't see my face or anything, but he contacted me through bandmix as a strange basically looking to set up the same project were tried years ago. Said he's been trying for this for a couple of years by "hasn't found the right people". I do recall when we got together the first time, he talked about seeing a guy playing somewhere and feeling like he "could do better than that..." which often turns me off.

    I play around a bit on the open mic scene and have thought about this kind of project often. But, the whole ghosting thing leaves me cold...further, it's not like this guy is connected in any way, I don't see him on the scene anywhere. We live near each other, but share no common music friends online.

    I'm kind of thinking of ignoring the contact. But part of me wants to reply as a stranger and say "what has/hasn't worked for you so far...?" or "it's me, we played together 3 years ago....what happened?"

    Whatcha think?
     
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  2. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Ghost back.
    Disrespect is not tolerable.
     
  3. Jupiter

    Jupiter Telefied Silver Supporter

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    Arrange to meet and act like you don’t know him.
     
  4. backporchmusic

    backporchmusic Friend of Leo's

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    Well, he seems to have made reference to 'haven't found the right people,' which in some way means you. I think you should say, "what has/hasn't worked for you so far...?". Maybe add "can I see you live somewhere soon?"

    Then ghost him or remind him who you are.
     
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  5. tarheelbob

    tarheelbob Tele-Holic Silver Supporter

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    My take?

    Either ignore (like brookdale bill said) and move on, or, if you do reply, be straight up. The "It's me, we played together three years ago...what happened", is WAAaY better than playing games.

    Just my .02 worth.

    - Bob
     
  6. Flat6Driver

    Flat6Driver Friend of Leo's

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    I've thought of this as well, and the advice below about not playing games is also good. Since I had no idea WHY I was ghosted, it pushed to me to take some more lessons and learn some new things, so it wasn't all bad.
     
  7. DugT

    DugT Tele-Holic

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    Obviously he ghosted you because he decided it wasn't going to work out for some reason. You said the open mic event "Was pretty rough". If you didn't have personality issues then he probably thought that the two of you together weren't good enough for prime time. If either or both have both of you have improved significantly it could be worth trying again. I'd approach it that way.

    It is my understanding that ghosting is common with mellenials. Might is well get used to it but you don't have to accept it or work with ghosters.

    By the way, is it bad ghosting to go out with a human woman once, have no physical contact and never call her again?
     
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  8. blille

    blille Tele-Afflicted

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    Don't ignore or ghost. If it hurt you, it will hurt him as well and the only thing you'll have is two hurt people.

    Instead, openly explain what happened. Worst case scenario you get closure. Best case, reconciliation.
     
  9. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    there is no universal 'score card'. No one knows he ghosted you, but you. He probably doesn't. Chances are 50-50 that he felt like he sucked at the open mic and was too embarrassed and discouraged to get together again.... he has built up his courage and he doesn't even remember you... most people live in their own heads SO much that they don't even consider what might be going on with others...

    If you liked playing with him and you think it COULD sound really great... go work on it. If not, not. No need to 'get back' or do anything vengeful. Gotta forgive those trespasses amigo.
     
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  10. Frank'n'censed

    Frank'n'censed Doctor of Teleocity

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    ”Ghosted on a project...then contacted again”

    Considering you’re on the threadmill again, it’s time for a little exorcise
     
  11. Jim622

    Jim622 Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Meet and act like he’s vaguely familiar. Let out how you been toying with doing something like this, but you haven’t been able to find the right fit.
     
  12. Larry F

    Larry F Doctor of Teleocity Vendor Member

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    I also think you should just play it straight. I don't know what you should say, but just get it out there. Then you both can start anew, maybe with some lessons learned, more skill, better instruments, whatever.
     
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  13. Flat6Driver

    Flat6Driver Friend of Leo's

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    You know, I never considered that.


    Interesting perspective.
     
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  14. Flat6Driver

    Flat6Driver Friend of Leo's

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    Yeah, I felt the OM was pretty rough. I don't recall whether we discussed the highs and lows of that. We did meet up after that, an email or two and then poof. He's done some original stuff with a really good player and maybe cannot find similar to carry out his dream for whatever reason. Or whatever....the mystery of the whole thing eludes me.

    This dude was my age (mid 40s or older)!

    Ghosting a human woman? I don't know....I've been married a long time, I'd hate to be on the dating scene.
     
  15. smsuryan

    smsuryan Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    I'd meet up with him. If things go well, (maybe) casually ask what happened a few years ago.

    A lot of musicians flake out. I don't know how many people I've worked, formerly worked with, or planned to work with that just disappear. One day they're enthusiastic and can't wait until next week when you meet up. Then poof! gone...no where to be found, won't return your calls, etc. If i can't work with someone i'll let them know so they won't be waiting on me and can make other arrangements. I'm not sure why this phenomenon seems so prevalent, but alas. I'm impressed when players show up, and if they're on time! WOW that's already far ahead of most of the folks you have to sift through who aren't serious or change their minds or whatever. I used to get mad about it, but a few years in I figured that's just the way it seems to go and move on. No hard feelings or anything, I just keep on going. I hope it works out for you!
     
  16. DugT

    DugT Tele-Holic

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    I had a roommate that was a somewhat successful musician when he was a teenager in the 60's. He said musicians are the flakiest people that he had ever worked with. He became a very successful engineer and CEO.
     
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  17. GibbyTwin

    GibbyTwin Tele-Meister

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    Well, since you're asking, if it was me I would probably reply back and first have a discussion about where your heads are at to see if there is still any common interest. If it sounds compatible and you feel he is sincere then get together and jam and see where it takes you. Now, because of the way I am, I would be a little wary of jumping in with both feet before getting too excited about the project (I've had my share of false starts). A little dipping the toe, then wading a bit, and if it still feels comfortable, go all in.
     
  18. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    Go and get a complete makeover, dyed hair, different style, new wardrobe of a radically different style etc then meet up and see what he as to say. Keep referencing a cousin that looks a bit like you and plays that he might know etc.
     
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  19. String Tree

    String Tree Doctor of Teleocity

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    My guess, nothing has changed.

    Tell him to wait by his phone.
    If it doesn't ring, it's you.
     
  20. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Poster Extraordinaire

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    I might take a slightly different tack......I'd reply as if I DIDN'T remember him, and tell him I'm concerned about getting together with someone I don't know, 'cause I've had some really weird experiences with flaky musicians in the past. Then relate some of your "past experiences" with incidents and details as closely as you can with your previous encounter with him....enough detail that he HAS to feel is familiar. Then if he responds back, you decide whether or not to pursue anything. I'm betting you'll never hear from him again and you'll have had a little fun.....OR, he'll come back with some story about being kidnapped by aliens for the past few years (or however long it's been) Either way, have fun with this.....and hope he's not a psycho grudge holder.;)
     
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