Delayed Karma - A Meditation on the Naming of Children

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by OmegaWoods, Sep 22, 2021.

  1. OmegaWoods

    OmegaWoods Tele-Holic

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    Back when I was just a lad, I married my high school sweetheart and joined the Navy shortly thereafter.

    A year (ish) went by and we had a beautiful, happy son. Since I am also beautiful and happy (HAH!), it was natural to name him after me.

    We solved the difficulty of having two people with the same name in the house by calling him "RJ" and still do. Our happy family grew and we had more sons and gave them normal names.

    Fast forward thirty when my son got a job at the same company I work for. We are in the same division but different departments. His email is identical to mine with the addition of a 0 to his name:

    Mine is: mydumbname@megacorp.com
    and
    his is: mydumbname0@megacorp.com

    Needless to say, I get a lot of his emails. Do yourself a favor and if you're thinking about naming a child after yourself, DON'T!

    Today's helpful tip from the delayed Karma department. That is all!
     
  2. Peegoo

    Peegoo Poster Extraordinaire

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    Isn't it George Foreman who has five sons--all named George?
     
  3. Dan German

    Dan German Doctor of Teleocity

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    Doesn’t matter for me. I’ve changed my name enough times that it would never be an issue.
     
  4. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    I was named after my father AND grandfather. Since my grandfather (who died before I was born) and my father used our first name, I was always called by my middle. It was occasionally awkward on the first day of every school semester, but other than that, it generally worked well.
    Flash forward to current times and the proliferation of telephone solicitors. Before we could screen calls via Caller ID, I'd have to answer if the phone rang. If the caller was reading off some public phone/info list, he might say, "Hi! (my first name) how's it going?".....like we were old buddies. Well, his use of my first name told me he was no buddy, and I'd just hang up. It's proven pretty useful at times.
     
  5. Happy Enchilada

    Happy Enchilada Tele-Afflicted

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    A Guide to Naming Children:

    Or, How to Make Sure You Don’t End Up

    in a Really Rotten Rest Home


    As an “ordinary” mortal human, the largest and longest lasting marks you leave on this world are the names you select for your children. And since your last name is fairly chiseled in stone – and since the only people who use middle names any more are politicians and authors – we’re talking first names here, Bub.


    Don’t know about you, but I’ve always been good at learning by bad example moreso than good. So here are some surnames I’ve gleaned from the roster of my son’s Little League for your consideration. In all, I gleaned 96 names (approximately a third of all listed) that were either cliché, pretentious, misspelled, or just plain bad. Here they are, loosely gathered together in categories with annotations to help you avoid making the same mistakes when it’s your turn at bat:


    Cowboy Kitsch: Since the following hapless younguns’ parents were too young to be sitting too close to the TV watching “Bonanza” and “Gunsmoke” growing up, we can only suppose they are recent transplants from places less “Western” who desperately want their boys to “fit in” out here in the great unpaved American desert. Again, I’m not making these up – they’re fresh off the website:


    Wyatt

    Jesse

    Dalton

    Dillon (variations here included Dylan and Dilan, depending on whether the parents aspire their son to be a folksinger, poet, gunslinger, or dyslexic)

    Dakota

    Carson (and his brothers, Jim Bridger and Liver Eatin’ Johnson)

    Rhett (as if anyone will ever give a damn)

    Cody (another parent spelled it Codey, for sake of variety perhaps?)

    Zane

    Bo (one parent also spelled it Beau – perhaps for a French connection?)

    Levi

    Garrett (as in “Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid”?)

    Coby (also spelled Koby, presumably for the “Survivor” winner with the cowboy hat?)

    Justin

    Marshall

    Hunter

    Coltin

    Jaksen (not to be confused with the correctly spelled “Jackson,” as in Hole)

    Preston (of the Royal Canadian Mounties, I presume?)

    Tanner (now there’s a lost art!)

    Shane

    Quinn (like the Eskimo in the song? Or the Medicine Woman?)



    Seeds of Pretension: Everybody wants their kids to do better than they did, right? But naming the little shaver “Cesar” or “Jesus” isn’t helping the folks whose mugshots appear nightly on the news, so why would naming your kid after a prophet, movie star, CEO, statesman, or resort area ensure their success in life? In a generation where little Tommy gets called “Thomas” from day one, and Jimmie never gets to be “Jimbo” because he’s busy being “James,” and Charlie Brown would be hailed as “Charles” from birth, these still bear your consideration:


    Dawson (like the creek on TV, get it?)

    Cayman (where daddy hides all his money from mommy in case they split up)

    Pascal (daddy’s favorite code language)

    Ashton (like the aristocrat or the jerk from “Punked”?)

    Pierce (after arguably the worst James Bond actor ever)

    Lawson (rhymes with Dawson, would make a great attorney)

    Kenai (somebody was watching “Wild Alaska” on the Discovery Channel!)

    Baxter (why not “Pointdexter”? They went to prep school together)

    Noam (egad, a budding literati!)

    Brandon or Brenden (white trash idea of high class)

    Tristan (and his sister Isolde and brother Beowulf)

    Chandler (went to school with Baxter)

    Keaton (instant nickname: “Buster”)

    Garrison (from Lake Woebegon?)

    Jameson (also spelled “Jamison,” and I presume he has brothers named Johnny Walker, Jim Beam, and Jack Daniel?)

    Gavin (after the “Love Boat” captain, no doubt)

    Christian, Christensen, and Kristian (OK, we get it – you all 3 really like church)

    Micah (see above)

    Rene (sexual ambivalence is more popular than ever nowadays)

    Chaz and Chad (why not tattoo “Snob” on their foreheads at birth?)

    Brock (went to school with Pointdexter)

    Camden (parents moved here from New Jersey, perhaps?)

    Harrison (move over, Han Solo and Indiana Jones!)

    Trevor (it just sounds effete in an English sort of way)

    Forrest (“Pickin’ out names for kids is like a box of chocolates”)

    Damian (thanks for warning us he’s the spawn of the devil)

    Darian (mom couldn’t spell “Damian”)

    Anton (no doubt a budding physicist)

    Blake and Chase (powerful names, if you’re auditioning for the remake of “Dynasty”)

    Copeland (a budding musical genius!)

    Stratton (and his brother Briggs)


    Hooked on Phonics: I almost called this final category “What Is It?” because some of these defy description. Ever since that fabled sister in the projects named her twin boys Orangjello and Lemonjello, mothers have been seeking ways to make sure their sons receive the recognition they deserve for their uniqueness. Unfortunately, since West Valley Little League is mostly little Caucasian tykes recently imported from the West Coast, we have to assume that these mothers did not receive passing grades in spelling:


    Paiton

    Kyler

    Kylan

    Kellen

    Krew

    Keefer

    Kam

    Jhett

    Kalvin

    Kasey

    Jaden

    Cade

    Kade

    Caden

    Kaden

    Aden

    Kole

    Calder

    Corliss

    Jace

    Galen

    Gage

    Austyn

    Malacki

    Josef

    Stefan

    Daegan

    Soren

    Gerrod


    In addition, here are some categories to avoid when choosing a name for your precious progeny. Rule of thumb is if it fits handily into one of these categories, you might want to go with Jim or Bob:


    Old Testament and Amish Selections: Ezekiel, Jobe, Noah, Malachai, Lazrus, Nimrod, Ishmael, Hercules, Samson, Ulysses, and Beezlebob, to name (or not name) a few.


    Western Towns: Dallas, Denver, Jackson, Cody, Darby, Missoula, Two Dot …if it’s not a place you’ve overnighted, then it’s phony as a $3 bill to say the least.


    Cowboy Heroes: Matt, Bat, Wyatt, Jesse, Roy, Dale, Gabby, Doolin, Dalton, Shane, Zane, and Hopalong are good ones to avoid, unless of course he becomes either a country singer or gunslinger.


    Trucks and Other Things Manly: Sierra, Harley, Pathfinder, Edsel, Shooter (apologies to Waylon, but it was a rotten choice nonetheless) … if it’s in the garage, it’s no go.


    Brands of Western Wear: Justin, Levi, Stetson, Resistol, Bailey, or Tony Lama will all fade from fashion should he decide to attend an Ivy League school.


    Another pitfall to avoid is forcing your poor offspring to live up to a lofty surname because of your own hopes and dreams. For example, there’s a Scout leader in my kid’s BSA Troop who named his son “Hunter,” but Mom won’t let Dad have a gun in the house. My own parents hung that moniker on me as a middle name, and yet my father has an aversion to anything wooly, plaid, or manly (never took me hunting or shooting and took me fishing twice out of guilt). So I’ve made it my destiny to be as active in that sport as possible, and have passed this on to my own boys – along with the middle name to my youngest. Other examples are titles and names of historic figures, e.g. “Major,” “Judge,” “Zeus,” “Jesus,” “Napoleon,” “Cesar,” and the like. What if the kid winds up an accountant or an architect?


    Family names can be dangerous as well, but they get the parents off the hook. If your great great granddad was Jefferson Davis, then “Jefferson” will fly. But if your ancestors were hillfolk named “Darnell” and “Elmira,” think twice. Sure, it’ll get you a pat on the back at the next family barbecue, but do you really think anyone will want to vote for a Congressional candidate named Jethro or Elly May? Or what if the kid becomes a corporate attorney, CEO, etc.? Fortunately, we got lucky here: Both my wife and I had an uncle named “Ivan,” and both were memorable characters. Ivan is a strong masculine name, and the only thing close to a nickname he’s ever encountered is “Ivan the Terrible,” which he actually liked after seeing “Night at the Museum” where they said it was mispronounced and should have been “Ivan the Awesome.” And a big plus was there’s no other Ivans in any of his classes, so he doesn’t have to go around differentiating himself constantly like little Dakotas (or “Duhkotuh”).


    As someone said before, the absolute acid test of a name for your youngun is thus: Give the whole name – first and last, omitting middle unless it’s way gonzo – to a third grader and have them take it out to the playground and see what their peers can come up with in the way of derogatory nicknames. For example “Angus,” a fine Scots surname, can easily morph into “Anus,” causing the poor little tyke to be the butt (pun intended) of endless cruel jokes the rest of his life. In fact, this scenario often causes children to become authors as adults, so they can use the initial “A” instead of the offending surname and subsequently feel their fame, fortune, and hard work have somehow erased the pain and shame of childhood jibes.


    Last but not least, a Johnny Cash song is the only place you can get away with naming a boy “Sue.” Unless you’re Korean.
     
  6. Lowerleftcoast

    Lowerleftcoast Friend of Leo's

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    I learned that lesson when I was about 10 years of age. There was a large gathering for the weekend and one of the families had a 2 YO with the same first name as mine. The kid was active, and got into everything. The whole weekend people were yelling my name... *Stop it*... *Don't do that.*... *Get outta there.*

    I knew then I would never name a kid after me.
    _____________________________________________________________

    I worked collections for a real estate loan company and it always ticked off the seniors and juniors when the wrong one would get the notices. Right or wrong, it is the price one pays for furthering the family name.
     
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  7. OmegaWoods

    OmegaWoods Tele-Holic

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    I completely agree. I regret having done so.
     
  8. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Sure are a lot of "porn" names on this list......just sayin'. ;););)
     
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  9. nickmsmith

    nickmsmith Tele-Holic

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    I’m assuming the whole jr. Thing is going by the wayside anyway. When I was growing up, everyone was named Tiffany, Stephanie, Jessica, Michael, Ryan, etc.

    but if you look at the stats from the SSA baby name database each year.. naming has gone from tradition-based to uniqueness based. More kids were named Zion, King, Atlas, Remington than names like Craig in recent years.
     
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  10. OmegaWoods

    OmegaWoods Tele-Holic

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    Someone asked if I liked the name Atlas. I just shrugged.
     
  11. David Barnett

    David Barnett Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    I am very thankful I had an older brother to take the hit so I wouldn't get stuck with my dad's name.
     
  12. David Barnett

    David Barnett Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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  13. bumnote

    bumnote Tele-Holic Ad Free Member

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    Yes, but in all fairness George has taken more than a few blows to the head...it'll make it easier to remember his kids names later in life.
     
  14. Peegoo

    Peegoo Poster Extraordinaire

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    I'm naming my kid Plaxico.

    Because I like plastic.

    And Mexico.

    ..
     
  15. nickmsmith

    nickmsmith Tele-Holic

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    When you got that kinda money, you can be named anything. If they get 1/8 of that grill money, they’ll be set. Not even counting the boxing money.


    Lol, I wonder how many people only know him as the grill guy?
     
  16. paulblackford

    paulblackford Tele-Afflicted

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    Parents name their children now, not for the sake of the child, but for how the name reflects on the parents. They would like their friends to be impressed by their novelty. Never mind that the kid will have to continually correct peoples pronunciation, or spelling, for the rest of their life.
     
  17. jondanger

    jondanger Poster Extraordinaire

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    Getting your son’s emails because he is gainfully employed is an order of magnitude cooler than having your son steal your identity and run up thousands of dollars of credit card debt, which is what my cousin did to my uncle :eek:
     
  18. El Famoso

    El Famoso Tele-Meister

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    Friend dated a fellow named Owen. Middle name Derfel. So he was named Oh Wonderful. His sister was Val(erie) Uable. So she was Valuable. Wish I was kidding.

    Went to school with a girl first name Apple middle name Pie.

    So it could always be worse. Junior looks pretty tame to the crap some parents stick their kids with.
     
  19. Cpb2020

    Cpb2020 Tele-Meister

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    Along this line, one of my college friends was named after his dad. Said dad had a gambling problem, declared bankruptcy, wasn’t paying the mortgage so lost the house when my friend was 10 years old — all unknown to the rest of the family until the eviction by the marshalls.

    The dad disappeared on the day of the eviction, and when my friend gets a new credit card or mortgage, it always becomes an issue given the same name and former address. This is despite having different social security numbers and dates of birth.
     
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  20. Mexitele Blues

    Mexitele Blues Tele-Afflicted

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    Both my first and middle names are in the top 10 of this list. Folks were hoping for a poet cowboy. :lol:
     
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