Dating in your 30’s

[Timbresmith1]

Hahahahahahahahahaha!
I certainly get the specs issue, I'm not bothered by that particular spec and also note that it is easy to change! Revulsion is involuntary though and we can't change what we find repulsive!
One spec I decided to change about myself at age 45, shopping for mate #17 at that point, was the concept of "my type".
It's a common idea that we all have a type we like, prefer, are attracted to etc.
Usually our "type" is a set of physical specs.
I had numerous relationships based on my type, and adequate compatibility in terms of able to have fun together etc.
But I was thinking that when each relationship went wrong, the problems were never in my set of specs I chose my romances based on.
So it seems that there are other "specs" besides physical attraction that are critical to a LTR!
But I can't say I know how to determine the soul specs or mind specs or spirit specs that will get me the LTR I seek?

One thing I can say is a scientific fact is that if I reject all gals whose physical specs don't match my specs list, I may miss the winners whose soul and spirit specs really suit OUR compatibility.
A more complicated factor is that we all change as the years pass and we learn, grow, get tired of things we used to like etc.

The last problem and one I had identified much earlier in my dating years, is that we tend to try to be somehow more better when on the hunt for a mate.
Gals probably do the same, so for the first days weeks months and maybe even years, we might be presenting a spruced up version of ourselves, which gets tiring!
I'm kind of a nut, kind of too funny at times, way too serious and even overly moralistic at times, etc etc etc.
Before I decided to stop shopping for a type, I decided to stop trying to BE a better version of myself.

Put another way: repeating the same behavior expecting different results, is the definition of insanity!

Good points, all. The “Sea Urchin” was actually strike 3. I had already dismissed 2 nearly sure-fire dealbreakers for me;
A) I found her VERY physically attractive (WARNING!)
B) Tie-dye clothing article.

 

[MickM]

Whole Foods and craigslist can be trashy but are pretty good pickup joints.
That and 12 step programs but the first two have a slightly lower incidence of crazy.

I thought there was an un-written rule against "'13TH Stepping" 12 steppers. At least new ones.

 

[telemnemonics]

Who among us does not have a physical "type"? I'm not saying that you have to stick to it, but who doesn't have one? I think we all do

Well yeah that was my point, we look for a mate based largelyon their physical specs then relationships go wrong based on an entirely different set of factors.

Those of us who have no chronic relationship problems may not need to reconsider the type we are locked into.
But if we keep screwing up and cannot maintain relationships we base on size and shape?
Time to revisit the specs!

Women too, same thing.
Many have explained similar questions to me: why do I keep ending up with the same kinds of guys?

Whatever our gender, if our ideas of who we should be with keep netting negative results, maybe it's time to review those ideas.

 

[getbent]

Who among us does not have a physical "type"? I'm not saying that you have to stick to it, but who doesn't have one? I think we all do

I don't think I do. I'm like Larry from 'Float On'



I love all the women of the world.

I wouldn't be freaked out by a woman with armpit hair.

There is a french phrase that goes something like, a man can see in almost any woman something he could love, while a woman can see in almost any man something to hate.

 

[BigDaddyLH]

Good points, all. The “Sea Urchin” was actually strike 3. I had already dismissed 2 nearly sure-fire dealbreakers for me;
A) I found her VERY physically attractive (WARNING!)
B) Tie-dye clothing article.

On the plus side, she probably wouldn't expect you do preform extreme man-scaping.

 

[Timbresmith1]

I don't think I do. I'm like Larry from 'Float On'



I love all the women of the world.

I wouldn't be freaked out by a woman with armpit hair.

There is a french phrase that goes something like, a man can see in almost any woman something he could love, while a woman can see in almost any man something to hate.

This wasn’t your garden variety ap hair. This was smuggling a poodle…

 

[telemnemonics]

I thought there was an un-written rule against "'13TH Stepping" 12 steppers. At least new ones.

Right, the idea is skip romances for the first year of recovery.
Sadly because those rooms are there due to sick people with poor self control, bad stuff happens.
Which gives a range of tasks to those with some time and recovery, to try to teach the new arrivals at least what we did to get where we got to.
But for me, I had arrived in a relationship then that ended and I dated a variety of gals with more than a year in recovery.
Really, crazy is in all walks of life but PTSD and BPD are more prevalent in the 12 step rooms.
At the same time though, crazies facing their own stuff have an advantage over crazies convinced they are sane!

I ended up marrying a gal I met outside the 12 step community.

 

[Timbresmith1]

On the plus side, she probably wouldn't expect you do preform extreme man-scaping.

I don’t think I want to know what that entails

 

[getbent]

This wasn’t your garden variety ap hair. This was smuggling a poodle…

I'd at least want to hear the story... naked.

you gotta have a sense of wonder about these things!

 

[Jack Clayton]

I don't like the term "baggage," what I think of in a non-starter if you're looking for decent partner is: Drama.

That's the **** that people have engrained in their fabric: everything is someone else' fault, I'm the only capable person on the planet, always complaining about what he/she did, that kind of stuff. The relatives I have down south who have dated around past their 40's have ended up with a few such crazies. Everyone else but them can see it instantly, before you know it the person is filing papers, being accused of things they didn't do, and have to move out of town to get the heck away from the drama.


Things don't always work out down the road, that's cool, but there absolutely are instant red flags out there if you're trying to date the older you get.

Agree with this. Good luck finding a person in their thirties (or any age) with no baggage.

 

[Timbresmith1]

Back to the Op’s question, hopefully you have some idea what works for you, based upon past success; whether it’s your sense of humor, being bold, some physical attribute, asking questions, sense of mystery… If you have platonic female friends, that can be huge. One of my best wingmen was an attractive (but not TOO attractive) woman that liked to go out for coffee.

 

[Peegoo]

Go see a movie in a theater on StupidBowl Sunday.

All the women are there because their S.O.'s are at home watching the game with their buddies and getting drunk. You, OTOH, will look for all intense and porpoises like a freaking white knight riding a freaking unicorn to the throng of ladies in attendance. It'll be like picking an apple from an apple tree

 

[Happy Enchilada]

The way I explained this to my sons was a fishing analogy. If you want to catch a trout, fish in the river. If you want to catch a bass, try the pond. In other words, there's a HUGE qualitative difference between women based on WHERE you meet 'em. Wanna meet a gal with a drinking problem that's rooted in some really nasty underlying issues? Try a dive bar. Another way to express this thought that is absolutely true is from my own life: I met my FIRST wife in a bar. But the one after that (who I've been happy with for going on 30 years and two sons now) I met through friends.

So friends of friends would be my first suggestion. It's like having them vetted or screened or whatever. If you trust your friends, then trust them to not steer you wrong here.

Second option: Get involved in Habitat for Humanity, volunteer at the Humane Society, or some other community service oriented outfit that you truly believe in. Women you meet there will be those who care about something outside themselves and are generally the better sort. Plus it'll be good for your soul too.

Third option: Join a group centered around something you like to do - hiking, geocaching, camping, frisbee golf, etc. Then you'll at least have common interests and a basis for a conversation or three. Try not to pick something that's guy-oriented (woodworking, fly fishing, etc.) so you have a better chance of meeting women.

Option 4: Even if church "isn't your thing," you might try visiting a church singles group. Pay attention to the quality of women who show up. You may be surprised. FWIW, some of the hottest ladies I ever met were churchgoers, but when they got behind closed doors ...

I would avoid the online thing - too many freakazoids. Same for personal ads in the paper, magazines, etc. I answered a newspaper personal (back in the days before WWW) and the gal seemed just fine over the phone - but when we met in person, I discovered she had a physical deformity that she NEGLECTED to mention in the ad and I was courteous but left in a hurry. But if you're into broken psychotic women, the WWW's the place for you (again, the fishing analogy).

Finally, regardless of the fact that the older you get, the smaller the pool gets, don't be in a hurry. Taking it easy and not rushing into a "relationship" at the first opportunity will help you maintain a sense of control. And it drives some women NUTS, in a good way. I'm 63 and if my wife passed or left, I'd probably move to a cabin in Montana with Wifi and live out my days as a hermit.

 

[Telekarster]

A GIANT, jet black patch of thick armpit hair (looked like a sea urchin).

Oye..... LOL!!!!

 

[Censport]

I did a lot of dating in my 30s. Probably too much. As Frank sang, "Regrets, I have a few"...

Or as Gilmour recently sang, "Yes, I have ghosts".

Anyway, I played in bars and churches, took a martial arts class, did track instruction, etc. (not for the purpose of meeting women, but I ended up dating women from everything I did, it seems). If I have one bit of advice from those experiences for you, it's this: Church is the worst place to meet women. It's the easiest but the worst as far as the quality of the candidates.

In my 40s, I dated in Japan. Was awkward at first when my language skills weren't very developed. Met several "gaijin hunters" and "gaijin curious", naturally. The latter is definitely preferable. Either way, higher percentage of naturally beautiful women and lower percentage of tattoos/piercings/drugs/kids. I really should've moved there in my 20s. Alas...

Retired from dating when I turned 50. Nobody misses me (the one who did took her own life 10 years ago). Dating after 50 is like racing after 50: It's a fun hobby for wealthy guys. I'm not wealthy.

For you guys in your 30s, I don't know what to tell you. Things have changed so much, so fast. Apps, social media, tattoos, drug use... it's like I stepped in a time machine and landed in a dystopian future where Biff got the sports almanac.

Good luck. I hope you find someone and have a healthy relationship.

 

[glenlivet]

"Super cute woman about my age flashed me a big sparkly smile. ~~~"
-- Would have had me a super cute.

"~~~~A GIANT, jet black patch of thick armpit hair "

--- that can be fixed you know....don't let that kind of thing stop you....seriously...are you "all that and a bag of chips"??
Heck...maybe she's been locked in the house for a month....and kind of let things go.... *shrug* Just sayin'.
books and covers, guts and glory...
nothing that a Lady Bic (or two) couldn't take care of.

"Awe, there's Nothing wrong with her that $100 won't fix.
She has that razor sadness that only gets worse"
--T.W. 9th and Hennepin

 

[tubedude]

Deleted

 

[Timbresmith1]

"Super cute woman about my age flashed me a big sparkly smile. ~~~"
-- Would have had me a super cute.

"~~~~A GIANT, jet black patch of thick armpit hair "

--- that can be fixed you know....don't let that kind of thing stop you....seriously...are you "all that and a bag of chips"??
Heck...maybe she's been locked in the house for a month....and kind of let things go.... *shrug* Just sayin'.
books and covers, guts and glory...
nothing that a Lady Bic (or two) couldn't take care of.

"Awe, there's Nothing wrong with her that $100 won't fix.
She has that razor sadness that only gets worse"
--T.W. 9th and Hennepin

Nope. This was a lifestyle CHOICE ( I’ve seen her since; same condition maintained) Not at all an unattractive woman, but it’s as unattractive as an extra 50lbs of fat, to me. Doesn’t matter whether or not I’m all that and a bag of chips. I’m not. I maintain a standard of grooming that has always exceeded my partners standard for me as my defacto state of being. I also assume that I’ve been dismissed at some point by someone that had a passing interest for some reason I’ll never know. Maybe it was a Coke T-shirt that offended a as Pepsi girl.
No way I start a relationship with “If only she changed x…”

 

[tubedude]

The point is, with a mask on (no other facial cues) this is the instinctive response.
They can't tell whether you're leering or have a cutesy smile.
Your innocence is measured as threatening.

Trying to date, the point is, staring with no facial cues is a quality of sociopaths. To expect a positive or neutral response is naive.

 

[Harry Styron]

***

Third option: Join a group centered around something you like to do - hiking, geocaching, camping, frisbee golf, etc. Then you'll at least have common interests and a basis for a conversation or three. Try not to pick something that's guy-oriented (woodworking, fly fishing, etc.) so you have a better chance of meeting women.

***

Finally, regardless of the fact that the older you get, the smaller the pool gets, don't be in a hurry. Taking it easy and not rushing into a "relationship" at the first opportunity will help you maintain a sense of control. And it drives some women NUTS, in a good way. I'm 63 and if my wife passed or left, I'd probably move to a cabin in Montana with Wifi and live out my days as a hermit.

Two points:
1. Regarding traditionally male group activities, I have known women who participated to learn and to meet men. On the other hand, yoga and dance classes are places where you can meet women and see them up close, and get good exercise at the same time.

2. "the older you get, the smaller the pool gets" may be true in a qualitative sense, but not in numbers. As we age, more couples split up and men tend to die first, which means that the proportion of single women increases, which is the quantitative change.

The qualitative change is really complicated. As men and women age, most of them become mature in many ways, getting comfortable with who they are, surer of their preferences, so that they have better idea of who, if anyone, they'd like to be involved with; many are like Happy Enchilada, preferring to be alone, or so they say. I've heard older women say that older men just want "a nurse and a purse," and I say, "who wouldn't?" but I see their point.

I've also noticed that women over 60, married or single, sometimes ask direct questions to me that seem to be exploratory about my health, my wife's health, my financial situation--as we start to lose our mates, we see that we are playing a game of musical chairs, and we are anxious about dying poor and alone and would like to have a dinner companion, a dance partner, somebody to bounce ideas off of, or somebody to argue with.