Dating in your 30’s

[sudogeek]

Go to a bar - meet drinkers.
Get involved in a local political group and you’ll meet people interested in politics, some of who may not be crazy
Volunteer (as noted above) and you’ll meet people with some degree of altruism. (In a hospital, you will meet nurses, etc. Some are crazy but most are smart, steadily employed, and professional. I did volunteer in a free clinic, met a lot of people with addictions, homeless, etc., but also met a lot of people trying to help like nurses, social workers, drivers, workers and organizers of soup kitchens and other charities. My son and I both have worked with Habitat; nice people in the main. Not too many 30 yo ones, though.)
Live your interests. Then the people you meet will have at least some common interest with you. Play music and you will meet people interested in music. I met my wife at the beach while surfing.
Use friends. A buddy’s wife, GF, etc. may have an single friend, and so on. I’ve got a couple of single (previously married) SILs. They’re educated and opinionated, but might be a match for somebody someday.

 

[BigDaddyLH]

If I were single today, I'd have no idea what to do.

Mrs BDLH and I met *scratches head* back in 1992, in a youth hostel in Australia. It was impossible not to meet and hang out with a ton of folks your age in that environment. She was different than the other women there -- she was reading this enormous tome designed to scare off men:

It didn't work.

 

[studio1087]

I'm in my 50's. Divorced my extreme trust fund wife 1 year ago. I work hard and we got to the point where we couldn't relate on anything. I'm happy now. I wound up dating a Jr. High choir director that I used to sing with at weddings and funerals. We did a lot of wedding singing together in college. It was funny. She was Lutheran so she could get me Lutheran work. I was Catholic so I could her Catholic work. There's nothing like singing one song and finding a $100 bill on your music stand. She too is divorced. You must know people your own age who are single. Don't you have old friends on Facebook who are your age and single? That's how Kay and I started seeing each other. I simply asked her to dinner and she said sure. Pretty simple really. I'm sure you could do that. Best wished.

 

[bowman]

Maybe you should hold out 'til your 40s? In my own experience, that was the best time for dating ever. The women I met were mostly divorced moms. They were newly free to discover new things about themselves and what they really wanted in their lives, they certainly weren't interested in getting married again and kids were out of the question. They just wantd to meet somebody who was relatively sane and normal and have an adult, drama-free relationship, with no particular goal in sight. I never had a better time, and I met some truly nice women. When we eventually parted, it was as friends who understood each other - what a pleasure that is!

 

[Timbresmith1]

Whole Foods and craigslist can be trashy but are pretty good pickup joints.
That and 12 step programs but the first two have a slightly lower incidence of crazy.

Nailed it. Super cute woman about my age flashed me a big sparkly smile. I went around the apple display for recon and she reached out over the bananas revealing…
A GIANT, jet black patch of thick armpit hair (looked like a sea urchin).
dammit… that is just not my thing. Not judging…but dayum.

 

[glenlivet]

I married my Mrs. @ 35.... we didn't meet till I was 32-33? maybe.
Lived in sin for a while then finally made her an honest woman.
They are out there. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Met her at the Public Library (I was a contractor doing some IT stuff).
She's a little crazy....but it's manageable.
She's got some baggage....but I can carry it.
No kids from previous relationships...so that made things a little easier.

I never did the dating thing...just kind of always stumbled into relationships (sometimes drunk...sometimes sober)..... I have truly been blessed by the companionship of a few wonderful women throughout my life... I have no clue what any of them saw in me.

 

[Jack Clayton]

I was single for 95% of my twenties and met the love of my life six years ago at 31 years old. So I feel pretty qualified to advise you in this area.

A whole lot of people are giving you some well intentioned, experience based TERRIBLE advice.

Bad piece of advice #1

"Stop looking. It makes you look desperate. The right person comes along when you aren't looking for them."

What that person probably means is that they couldn't have a healthy relationship until they learned who they were as a single person. That's often the case. But there's a huge reason between desperation and intentionality.

Every wrong person I've ever dated or pursued was someone who came along when I wasn't looking. Wanna know how I met my wife? I finally was able to grow up, swallow my pride and admit that I was alone, I didn't want to be, and I was ready to change it. So I started an online dating profile, met someone almost immediately, and we got married five months later.

The right people aren't going to magically flock to you when you finally learn to be happy single. Statistically, people in health committed relationships are happier and healthier than people who aren't. If you feel ready to meet someone, do the work. Go online, be honest about who you are, and see who is okay with it and still wants in.

 

[Harry Styron]

I haven't been single since 1974, and am fortunate to have married someone with a lovely voice, whether singing or speaking. My experience in offices and elsewhere has taught me that a pleasing voice is incredibly important for me. I could not endure a voice like Edith Bunker's or Hyacinth's.

Listen for a voice that will please you, even if it's saying, "Your breath is foul."

And if she plays bass or keys, that would be awesome.

 

[boxocrap]

Some absolutely excellent advice given already:
"Be patient, be yourself, be open, be honest"
"Quit looking"
"Develop a passion, dive in"
"start improving the self that you find yourself to actually be"
"we all have baggage"

To all this, I will only add, get a Golden Retriever puppy...

View attachment 936829

that's a winner

 

[boxocrap]

Right now I’m fine being single but I can’t imagine where I’ll ever find “the one”

I don’t do bars and stuff like that either

I don’t even know what people do these days

I guess there’s always mail order....

ya gets what ya pays for

 

[Twofingerlou]

Thanks for all the reply’s, some good food for thought!

 

[deytookerjaabs]

I don't like the term "baggage," what I think of in a non-starter if you're looking for decent partner is: Drama.

That's the **** that people have engrained in their fabric: everything is someone else' fault, I'm the only capable person on the planet, always complaining about what he/she did, that kind of stuff. The relatives I have down south who have dated around past their 40's have ended up with a few such crazies. Everyone else but them can see it instantly, before you know it the person is filing papers, being accused of things they didn't do, and have to move out of town to get the heck away from the drama.


Things don't always work out down the road, that's cool, but there absolutely are instant red flags out there if you're trying to date the older you get.

 

[getbent]

Here is my sure fire way to fun and happiness with a partner--> become your best you. Figure out who you actually are. Know the things you are passionate about and do those things. Be 'INTO' them and get involved with groups that do the things you do.

The best person for you is either someone who loves the passions you have and shares them or someone who is a counter balance.

Don't use free dating sites. Pay. Use the ones that cost. They attract people who are willing to invest in a relationship, everyone else is trolling.

The ideal person for you will be half your age plus 7.

Do not get serious with this person until at least 10 dates. By then, you will both forget to be your 'best representatives' and you'll both see the real person.

Flaws are what make something unique, it doesn't mean they are damaged.

Be honest with yourself and with the other people. It will go a long way toward being happy.

oh yeah, and @Larry F is right, get a haircut, ask a woman friend to take you clothes shopping and buy some new clothes (compromise)... a guy who LOOKS like women like him, attracts more women than someone who looks like he just crawled out of his mom's basement.

 

[Ron R]

This might be a can of worms but why not. I’ve been single for a bit doing me, fixing my screw ups of my 20’s ect. I’ve got to a point where I’m doing good for myself ect. I was engaged once upon a time and that went south. “Played” the field dating various women, the online thing, meeting gals in person, one gal had a kid and that was a whole different ordeal to say the least. I don’t have kids of my own for what it’s worth.

Seems most that I encounter around my age already have kids, married, baggage or single and no kids and just bat %#^# crazy.

As I’ve gotten older my friend circle has gotten smaller and for good reason. I don’t do the church thing, more power if you do but not my thing. Been years since I’ve stepped foot in a bar, I pumped the brakes on those fiascos long ago.

Soooo what ya got?

Pfft. In your 50s, the pickin's get even slimmer.

 

[staxman]

Here is my sure fire way to fun and happiness with a partner--> become your best you. Figure out who you actually are. Know the things you are passionate about and do those things. Be 'INTO' them and get involved with groups that do the things you do.

The best person for you is either someone who loves the passions you have and shares them or someone who is a counter balance.

Don't use free dating sites. Pay. Use the ones that cost. They attract people who are willing to invest in a relationship, everyone else is trolling.

The ideal person for you will be half your age plus 7.

Do not get serious with this person until at least 10 dates. By then, you will both forget to be your 'best representatives' and you'll both see the real person.

Flaws are what make something unique, it doesn't mean they are damaged.

Be honest with yourself and with the other people. It will go a long way toward being happy.

oh yeah, and @Larry F is right, get a haircut, ask a woman friend to take you clothes shopping and buy some new clothes (compromise)... a guy who LOOKS like women like him, attracts more women than someone who looks like he just crawled out of his mom's basement.

This is damn good advice! Be YOUR best self and do the things you are passionate about. Everything else will work itself out.

 

[doghouseman]

 

[doghouseman]

Required viewing for every man dating..

 

[Twofingerlou]

That never gets old lol

 

[telemnemonics]

Nailed it. Super cute woman about my age flashed me a big sparkly smile. I went around the apple display for recon and she reached out over the bananas revealing…
A GIANT, jet black patch of thick armpit hair (looked like a sea urchin).
dammit… that is just not my thing. Not judging…but dayum.

Hahahahahahahahahaha!
I certainly get the specs issue, I'm not bothered by that particular spec and also note that it is easy to change! Revulsion is involuntary though and we can't change what we find repulsive!
One spec I decided to change about myself at age 45, shopping for mate #17 at that point, was the concept of "my type".
It's a common idea that we all have a type we like, prefer, are attracted to etc.
Usually our "type" is a set of physical specs.
I had numerous relationships based on my type, and adequate compatibility in terms of able to have fun together etc.
But I was thinking that when each relationship went wrong, the problems were never in my set of specs I chose my romances based on.
So it seems that there are other "specs" besides physical attraction that are critical to a LTR!
But I can't say I know how to determine the soul specs or mind specs or spirit specs that will get me the LTR I seek?

One thing I can say is a scientific fact is that if I reject all gals whose physical specs don't match my specs list, I may miss the winners whose soul and spirit specs really suit OUR compatibility.
A more complicated factor is that we all change as the years pass and we learn, grow, get tired of things we used to like etc.

The last problem and one I had identified much earlier in my dating years, is that we tend to try to be somehow more better when on the hunt for a mate.
Gals probably do the same, so for the first days weeks months and maybe even years, we might be presenting a spruced up version of ourselves, which gets tiring!
I'm kind of a nut, kind of too funny at times, way too serious and even overly moralistic at times, etc etc etc.
Before I decided to stop shopping for a type, I decided to stop trying to BE a better version of myself.

Put another way: repeating the same behavior expecting different results, is the definition of insanity!

 

[BigDaddyLH]

One spec I decided to change about myself at age 45, shopping for mate #17 at that point, was the concept of "my type".
It's a common idea that we all have a type we like, prefer, are attracted to etc.
Usually our "type" is a set of physical specs.
I had numerous relationships based on my type, and adequate compatibility in terms of able to have fun together etc.
But I was thinking that when each relationship went wrong, the problems were never in my set of specs I chose my romances based on.
So it seems that there are other "specs" besides physical attraction that are critical to a LTR!
But I can't say I know how to determine the soul specs or mind specs or spirit specs that will get me the LTR I seek?

One thing I can say is a scientific fact is that if I reject all gals whose physical specs don't match my specs list, I may miss the winners whose soul and spirit specs really suit OUR compatibility.
A more complicated factor is that we all change as the years pass and we learn, grow, get tired of things we used to like etc.

Who among us does not have a physical "type"? I'm not saying that you have to stick to it, but who doesn't have one? I think we all do