Are you an older father or child of older father ?

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by charlie chitlin, Jul 10, 2019.

  1. bloomz

    bloomz Tele-Holic

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    I was 58 when my first child was born.
    I like telling my nephews a man in his 20's should marry - because his wife hasn't been born yet.

    I'm 71 with a 14 year old (first child - I was 58 when it "happened" wife's wishesn not mine) - and get the grandpa thing sometimes - find it amusing, and when they apologize I tell them, no I'm not at all sorry.

    I find it glorious for lack of a better term.

    Yeah my wife is a bit younger than me, and she purty and secksie.
     
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  2. John Owen

    John Owen Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

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    I'm 62 with a 14 year old and a 17 year old. My dad was 46 when I was born so I guess I qualify on both counts. There is no question that I am a MUCH better dad at this age than I would have been in my 20's or even my 30's. I have gained much patience and compassion since then. On the other hand, I can still be a jerk sometimes but we all have our little ways. I can still outlast either of my kids on a bike ride (by a long shot) or a cross country ski outing. That being said, my knees won't hold up to a full day of downhill skiing anymore. Oh well.

    I didn't know my own dad when he was in his 20's and 30's but, from what I hear about that portion of his life, the story was about the same for him - he got kinder and wiser with age. He also played a lot of catch with me and took us trout fishing almost every Saturday in the summer. I never felt let down by any lack of physical ability on his part when I was young.

    The downside was he died when I was only 25. I lead a healthier lifestyle than he did but I still have his genes so, although I hope to still be around when my kids are in their 30's, I'm not going to bet money on still being here by the time both of them have hit 40. So, there's that.

    Bottom line is, even though I waited longer than what might be considered 'standard', I have never had a single regret about becoming a dad. It is by far the best thing I have ever done. In fact, it is about the only thing I have ever done that actually really meant anything. I know that my kids are glad that I'm their dad. I know they will miss me when I'm gone and wish that they would have had more years with me but, if there were some way for them to have a trial run with my younger self as their dad for a comparison, there is no question in my mind which one they would choose.
     
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  3. slauson slim

    slauson slim Friend of Leo's

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    I became a father at 54, my wife was 50. We adopted a six and a half year old boy. He’s now 23. Like many foster children-he was bounced around to several foster homes-he had many issues to overcome. He was a troublesome teenager, never applied himself to school, and left home four times, twice when he was over 18. He is living on his own and working three jobs-dental tech, bartender and bar back/barista, and settling down. He is an animal lover and does well with children, and is a natural horseman. He did not attend college.

    I believe being parents later in life gave us the emotional depth and patience, and material assets, to deal with him.

    Being his parent was, and is, the hardest thing I have ever done. Also the most rewarding. To see him grow and change. If it had not been for us likely he would have never been adopted and would have suffered through the neglect and torture that is the foster system, and spat out at 18 never having known the stability of a permanent home where he was loved no matter what.

    I did the school visits, coffees (me and 20 moms), and teacher conferences. My wife and I both did the disciplinary and warning meetings when our son got in trouble. We did the soccer and wrestling matches, touch football and basketball games, concerts, science fairs, and Christmas shows. I made his lunch every day and drove him - carpool and otherwise - to his distant high school. And argued about homework and turning it in and making an effort. We traveled-Disneyland, Paris, London, Mexico, Hawaii and various US states.

    We struggled with him a lot. Over school work, cleaning up after himself, using weed, hanging out with dangerous people, clothes, wasting time with video games, making an effort, etc. As an adult I never raised my voice until he came into our lives. I would tell him that I talked to him more in a month than my father did to me in ten years-my dad was quiet and reserved. I also told him that there was nothing he would do or think of doing that we had not done as children or teenagers.

    My wife and I did not feel we were running out of steam but we did get tired and frustrated. We both had careers which entailed long hours and lots of interactions with clients. I was fortunate enough to have a flexible position wherein I could handle stuff relating to him during work hours.

    He is on a good path now, and we are hopeful. I cannot say we were perfect parents, but we were good parents for him. We learned things, did things and met people we never would have without him. He made us into better people.
     
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  4. Brian J.

    Brian J. Tele-Afflicted

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    i am both my dad was born in 1923 and i was born in 1970, i didn't have my first kid till i was 36
     
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  5. raysachs

    raysachs Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    If the Dad has to be 50 or 60, I got nothin... BUT, back when I was born, having both parents in their 40s (albeit my Mom turned 40 only 5 days before I was born) was pretty unusual, unlike today when it's increasingly common. My sister and brother are 13 and 12 years older than I am. And my folks were notably older than any of my friend's folks. My Dad was 42.

    For me, having an older Dad was great on a number of levels. First, he'd been pretty successful in a business career and when I was 9, he decided to get out of the business rat-race back east and moved to Arizona to help start a new Junior College, where most of his friends and colleagues were younger and quite idealistic. This was 1968, so I might say his friends were almost counter-culture, but were trying to do something productive with their new ideas. My Dad was open to all of this (my Mom less so, but this was still the 60s and I guess men made all the decisions back then - he sure did) and his friends / colleagues kind of treated him as a wise elder.

    So basically my older siblings had grown up with fairly uptight ex-military east coast business and society oriented parents, and raised with heavy pressure and expectations (that haunt them into their 70s even today), but they were off to college when we moved. I got to grow up with a laid back Dad in the wide open desert southwest. I basically grew up with different parents than my older sibs. And parents that i think we all agreed were much better at it than they had been the first time around. They were tired, I think they realized that much of the attempted discipline had been a waste of time, so they gave me a lot more rope, and I believe I was better for it. Although my Mom was less different than my Dad was, she learned to relax a bit too even though not as easily as he did. I think he came to it naturally - he'd been suppressing his inner freak for decades.

    My sister and brother never got along with my Dad until later in life - my Dad and I were more or less best buds. When I got busted for pot in high school, my Mom still freaked out - my Dad was incredibly cool about it. He made it clear that I had to deal with the consequences of it (paying for the car the cops ripped to pieces looking for more pot they never found - it was in an inside coat pocket), but he didn't lose his mind about it, he used it as a catalyst to talk to me about laws/rules you don't agree with and making the decision to break some of them but that you'd better be ready to deal with the consequences of getting caught if you do. He used it as a teaching opportunity basically. I've taken that with me and used it pretty effectively with my daughters along the way.

    I think the only downside is that my folks died when I was relatively young. My Mom died at 80, so I was only 40, and she'd been incapacitated by short term memory loss for almost ten years before that due to surgery that didn't go as expected. So I really only had a fully functioning mother into my very early 30s, which at this point is half my life ago and I hate to say she's a very distant memory to me, but she is, and my daughters never knew her at anything close to herself. That part makes me really sad anytime I think about it. My Dad died when I was 46, still young, but he was pretty much all there until very close to the end and he's not a distant memory at all - I remember him well enough to talk to him often whether he's listening or not. But my kids were still relatively young when he died, mid to late teens, so they never got to know him as adults, but they were close to him and remember him pretty well. But my wife's mother, who had her at about 22, is still going relatively strong and has seen her granddaughters do so much and achieve so much. So there are tradeoffs to everything.

    I'm glad my wife and I had our kids when we were fairly young. They were out of high school and basically out of the house (with just a couple of very brief bounce-backs) by the time we were 50. And we had plenty of energy for them when they were little. At age 60 I honestly don't think I could handle the energy outlay of dealing with little ones again. But that's about the only downside I'd see. Everyone who has kids late says it keeps them young. I can believe that easily enough. I wouldn't do it on purpose, but if I found myself there, I don't think I'd fear it.
     
  6. 1293

    1293 Poster Extraordinaire

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    I got that yesterday when I dropped my 11yo off at daycamp. There's 84 years between him and my dad. My dad was 42 when I was born and I was 42 when my son was born.

    My dad died at 50. I think of that every day and it's the reason I retired at 46. I was working 65hrs/week with 12 hrs of commute per week. I had GI bleeding - severe anemia - kidney failure. Doctor said it had to be a lab error because I'd be dead. Stopped working and it went away.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019
  7. fendrguitplayr

    fendrguitplayr Poster Extraordinaire

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    I'm an old grandfather, does that count...lol
     
  8. draggindakota

    draggindakota Tele-Meister

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    My dad was 45 when I was born. He passed 5 days before my 19th birthday. I never really noticed that my dad was that much older in my day to day life. Sure, friends would sometimes point it out, but really it wasn't a thing. I can thank him for introducing me to music from Ernest Tubb, Bobby Bare, Hank Williams etc. He never hurried a day in his life, so he never really slowed down at all lol.

    As for feeling cheated? No, I can't say that. I damn sure do wish he was still here, my mom too who passed almost exactly 2 years after my dad.

    ETA: I was 29 when my oldest was born, 34 for my youngest. Not too old, but then I look at some of my friends my age who have kids graduating high school already and it makes me feel like I'm an old dad lol.
     
  9. Shango66

    Shango66 Friend of Leo's

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    I caught up w two schoolmates recently, we are all the same age
    One is a grandfather, I have a 17 yr old son, the other had a wife about to give birth to his first child.
    Dawned on me that the male reproductive period is incredibly long.
     
  10. RoscoeElegante

    RoscoeElegante Friend of Leo's

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    W/ my daughters, I was a young parent (at 26 and then at 28). W/ my sons (2nd marriage), I'm an older dad. 57 now, and they're 15 and 13.

    Definitely hobbled by failing hinges (mostly my ankles, of all things, and asthma, etc.), but it's also a fun hoot. I didn't take it for granted the first time around, but I sure savor it even more the second. Especially since grandkids during my lifetime are a pretty remote possibility, it seems. You know all too well how fleeting both childhood and your own life are when you're an older parent. And also how long is the future that you have to help your kids become ready to build for themselves, their communities, etc.

    I do find myself dispensing (imposing?) a lot of "wisdom of experience" lessons on/at my sons. Probably more than I did at my daughters. Partly 'cause I am much older now, which includes a couple more decades seeing how college students can be impoverished by an ever-more-crass and immediacy-addicted culture. But partly due to some likely sexism, whereby it feels like a father's role is to ensure that his sons fold the most aggressive aspects of maleness into the more civilized ones--yet still be tough. Pushups during Simon & Garfunkel songs, and all that!

    Was kind of the kid of an older dad in that by the time I came along, dad had well given up on even the pretense of parenting, being a decent husband, being any kind of example to any of his three kids. Painful, way yes, but also showed me very clearly how not to be when my turn to be a parent came along. My dad came around in his last years, too, so that also taught me how much forgiveness matters. Age lets you see what good can come out of many, though not all, types of pain, fer sure.....
     
  11. MattyK-USA

    MattyK-USA Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

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    Well, it's all pretty much been said. In my case my oldest and only is 18 and I and my wife are 57 & 58. It was good in that we had our financial security taken care of by the time he came around, so there weren't really any big sacrifices with the extra mouth to feed, so to speak.

    I still coached him in Little League and went with him to Boy Scouts (when that was still a thing). We have many of the same interests, so that worked out great too. My only wish would have been that he was more into sports - I played everything, but he has always been strictly martial arts (3rd degree Tae Kwan Do, so there you have it).

    We feel the difference a lot more now, as he has started college and has really become his own young man. It's a lot tougher to keep up, but we do our best. We took him to Austin last week for RTX 2019 (a Comic-con type event), and boy will that experience help keep you young.
     
  12. charlie chitlin

    charlie chitlin Doctor of Teleocity Silver Supporter

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    I think I know what you're talking about.
    Any further attempts at fatherbood would have to begin with the reversal of a certain surgical procedure; so the maneuver would require much consciousness and dedication on my end.
     
  13. kingofdogs1950

    kingofdogs1950 Tele-Holic

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    I picked up a girlfriend and three kids, age 8,11,13 at age 48. Ended up married with three step-kids.
    Hard work the first couple of years but later things got a lot better for the kids.
    I was able to help the kids get along with their biological father. When I first moved in all three hated going to dad's. Much to my wife's amazement, they later grew to love going to dad's. Go figure.


    Mark
     
  14. Rayf_Brogan

    Rayf_Brogan Tele-Meister

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    I'm 39 with a 3 year old and twins on the way. I will say that theres no way I was mature enough to have kids in my later 20s or early 30s.

    Physical conditioning is key.
     
  15. soulman969

    soulman969 Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I was 21 when my oldest was born and 40 when my youngest was born.

    Then I quit so that at 50 I could have the adult childhood I'd missed out on. :lol:
     
  16. P Thought

    P Thought Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

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    Wow. That was a very big, very important thing you did. A friend of mine who grew up with adoptive parents told me, "Your parents are the people who raise you." I believe that wholeheartedly.
     
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