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Alright fellas, looking for some help and advice

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Nubs, Mar 8, 2021.

  1. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Yeah this is sadly overlooked, but the flip side is that depression can show in personal grooming and health.

    So to grow the inside into a beacon of desirability, one may need to also take good care of the outside vessel.

    It’s a bit of a mystery as far as how that vessel should look, but I find it very useful to point out that no matter how we look, some will like it and some will not.

    I’ve said that often to friends suffering from the idea that there’s nobody out there for them.
    If we knew how many women out there have the same fears and just relaxed a little and allowed our goodness to be whatever it is, somebody will want that.
     
  2. Boblets

    Boblets Friend of Leo's

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    Do you want to present an image, or the real you?

    As others have said, look within to find your way forward. What are you yearning for from women? Think more of what you can give than what you want to take.

    Keep it simple, be yourself without guile, and who knows what may happen.
     
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  3. TheDavis

    TheDavis Tele-Meister

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    When all else fails watch the “Tao of Steve”
     
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  4. P Thought

    P Thought Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    I've been thinking all morning about a response to your post, and I'm happy to say that most of what I've thought of to say is in this thread, pretty good bunch of thinkers here I think.

    One thing I'd like to say a little more directly than others have said it. Stop hunting. Nobody likes to be hunted, at least not anybody I'd want to hang around with. Instead--I know the pandemic limits this-- circulate as much as you can in places you like, with people you like. Sit out on your porch playing your guitar as often as you can. Someone will come along.

    When single women come along, talk with them; try to spend more time listening to them than talking at them. Friends first. Sometimes--you'll know--one will kind of like you....

    Last thing: look for beauty beyond what we see on TV and in the movies. Most women are beautiful if you look at them right.
     
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  5. chris m.

    chris m. Poster Extraordinaire

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    I second the recommendation of "The Tao of Steve".

    I believe I read somewhere that research has looked into what women want vs. what they say they want. It's a Ven diagram with partial overlap to say the least. They say they want a nice guy with a sense of humor who is kind. But they also want:

    - a guy who is good looking
    - a guy who is confident
    - a guy who is financially solid (this one counts for a LOT). You don't need to be rich, but you need to be equal or above her-- the ladies don't want a partner who's going to be a burden.
    - and it is always attractive to show excellence in what you do.

     
  6. SixStringSlinger

    SixStringSlinger Friend of Leo's

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    The "key" (insomuch as there is such a thing) is to be yourself, but the best version of yourself possible. If you're a muscled, workout type, be that guy, but don't be an idiotic meathead. If you're a brooding artiste, be that guy, but don't alienate people or be intentionally unreachable just to fit an aesthetic. And if you're a guy with depression who could stand to eat better and work out a bit, don't hide that, and go ahead and get a handle on that, but don't beat yourself up at every perceived lack of progress.

    This kind of advice can sound trite and cliché, but it's one of those instances where something is cliché for a reason. Lot's of people meet someone at a bar, but if you don't like hanging out at bars, that's no good to you, because at best you'll meet someone who likes hanging out in bars (and who thinks you like that too!) Just be yourself, in the best way possible (and put in whatever work goes into creating that), and then live that life. You'll meet people in the course of that who are already (in at least some way) aligned with you.

    These days (both in terms of the last year, and more generally) dating sites and apps are more and more of a thing, and there's nothing wrong with that. Present yourself in the best (but honest!) way possible, set limits for what you are/aren't interested in (age range, distance, this or that interest, want/don't want kids, on and on...) and see who's out there. Just know that you'll have to wade through lots of chaff (fake/scam profiles, flighty people who match with you then disappear, people who seem alright but you're just not interested in...) on your way to finding people you're interested in, and even then the majority won't work out for one reason or another. It's no reflection on you, necessarily, them's just the numbers, and having some sense of that going in can give you some resolve in an undertaking that can wear you down.

    I've had luck on Tinder (though, boy, that can get weird). Also Bumble (same idea, the main "catch" being that when a match happens, the woman has to message you first. Guess that saves you some wasted time). Those are the two I've had the most experience with. Bumble (for me) seems more oriented towards people who hope to eventually form a long-term relationship; Tinder just has every dammed thing. If you're on Facebook, there's a built-in (but separate, and free) dating aspect to it. My best friend met his now-fiancée on Plenty of Fish.

    The dating apps/sites can seem demoralizing because of what you can see on there, but really it's no different from what you see "out in the world"; it's just all compressed. You might talk to two or three people in a night at a party, but swipe through 20-30 profiles on your lunch hour. Besides, the goal is eventually to "actually" meet people, you're just relying a little less on chance beforehand.

    Also, it's perfectly normal to take a break from these things from time to time and come back later. It's happened to me more than once. You're just up for it at some times, less so at others.

    Re. the car, bike and all that, I really don't see how that's relevant unless you're intentionally going for someone who's into a certain kind of vehicle, and in that case you'd best be warned she'd be dating the vehicle and you'll be third wheel. Otherwise, get a new car, get rid of the bike or whatever if you want to. It's only as relevant to your dating life as you want it to be, and I don't think you want it to be (outside of, y'know, having a vehicle. And hey, depending on where you live, even that might not matter).

    Also, I hope I don't ruffle any feather by saying this, but when it comes to this subject the TDPRI can seem to be dominated by people with a negative/cynical view of the whole enterprise. I think it's a bias more than anything, albeit a normal one; we are biased by our experiences. We tend to think that bad things that happened to us are bad and good things that happened to us are good. And of course I'm sure they offer their advice in good faith. Just don't give more weight than is due to cynical voices. Heed their warning, decide what you want and have at it.

    Good luck!
     
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  7. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    Use a paid dating app or hire a match maker, they have several good ones in Houston. Keep your truck. If you go the matchmaker route, they'll tell you what to change clothing wise.

    Be yourself. The matchmaker will introduce you to several 29-32 year old women. This is the right choice for you. They will have ankle biters, find a way to be excited about that.

    Ask for honesty and give it. Things will work out.
     
  8. chris m.

    chris m. Poster Extraordinaire

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    I got divorced, was depressed, went to counseling. The best advice I got from the counselor was that I should not like a woman just because she likes me. That I need to find someone truly
    compatible, and that I should consider myself a catch and I don't need to settle for the first woman that comes along. My counselor (female) encouraged me to date a lot of women and
    to take my time. She didn't necessarily mean sleep with all of them, but take my time. Great advice. I spent at least five years dating before finding the right woman.
     
  9. Minivan Megafun

    Minivan Megafun Tele-Afflicted Gold Supporter

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    I think in your (and mine) age bracket, a ridiculous car makes you look kind of like a man child with questionable judgement. You're not 18 years old.

    The effort toward your health and body will pay a lot more than some impractical ride. It's like the guys with loud motorbikes - who do you think you're impressing with that?

    I'd say the kind of woman that goes for a guy in a fancy car might not be the kind of woman worth going for.

    * Edit to say that if you like powerful or fancy cars that's totally cool! But buy one for yourself, not to impress the ladies (because you're not impressing the ladies)
     
  10. Peegoo

    Peegoo Poster Extraordinaire

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    Hey, I have one of those!

    [​IMG]

    But I already had the good womern for 15 years before I got the car. I was driving a 1996 Toyota truck when we met.
     
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  11. beanluc

    beanluc Tele-Holic

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    Nice shoes will get you a lot farther than nice wheels.
     
  12. Fretting out

    Fretting out Poster Extraordinaire

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    Nubs...you just need to carry around sacks with $ signs on them....that will reel em in!

    After you open the sacks to reveal they are filled with pickles the ones that stay are the winners!
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2021
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  13. IanMoss

    IanMoss Tele-Meister Ad Free Member

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    Huge +1 to getting and staying fit and healthy.

    Some of the other advice here about the danger of trying to find someone. +1 to that too.

    Maybe I missed where someone else said it, but my 2c would be to pursue your hobbies and interests. Your best chance of staying happy, plus also meeting someone who has interests that align with yours.
     
  14. chris m.

    chris m. Poster Extraordinaire

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    Good thing I'm married because if I pursued my hobbies and interests I would meet very few women since they are a small percentage of the people that enjoy them, except maybe for cycling.
     
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  15. Despres

    Despres Tele-Afflicted

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    My advice: Get a dog. Take it to parks and other areas for walks. You will get outside and get exercise, which will improve your health and make you feel better. It is also possible you will meet women who come up to pet your dog. And even if you don't meet anyone, you'll still have a dog, which is pretty great.
     
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  16. Fuelish

    Fuelish Tele-Holic

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    Just be a good human .....the rest will fall in line.......my wife (30 yrs now) loves me to death, and I drive a 6 yr old Honda Fit with a stick shift....LOL) Just be a good human, the rest shall fall in place
     
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  17. Fendereedo

    Fendereedo Poster Extraordinaire

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    Try joining a social club, where there is a common interest with like minded ladies. This way you will have common ground, and something that you will be able to share. Get a nice car, get a nice bike - sure, by all means, but get the common ground over first.
    Best of luck mate. :cool:
     
  18. Chicago Matt

    Chicago Matt Friend of Leo's

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    A lot of really good advice here. In my experience it comes down to what Peegoo posted. ^^^

    and what Fuelish posted. ^^^

    A loving, generous person who has learned not to take himself so seriously, who can laugh at himself as well as with others. A man who is more focused on what he can contribute to life rather than what he's getting out of life will end up attracting good things and good people without trying. And that includes a good woman.
     
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  19. Northern Tele

    Northern Tele Tele-Meister

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    Just buy a wife from an impoverished 3rd world nation. Get a Latina or Filipina, pretty with strong family values. No need to pretend or put on a fake image . You are a depressed,well off middle aged man...you need a hot blooded young chick, they get security and you get a new lease on life.
     
  20. Blue

    Blue Tele-Afflicted

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    You're, as in you are. :rolleyes:
     
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