My stupidest gear purchases have been keyboards, not guitar gear, although I could probably write paragraphs on that too. About once a decade I succumb to a keyboard that I have no earthly business owning because if I am totally honest with myself, I really cannot functionally play keys. I’m a guitar player through and through…But…but vintage keyboards *sound* so cool! Aside from a little 80s Casio (which I still have shoved in the back of my gear closet) the first one I had was a giant electric combo organ on the order of a two-manual Vox with the negative image set of bass keys on the bottom left. It had that early Pink Floyd “Astronomy Domini” sound. It was free, but not once you figure in gas and the overwhelming hassle to both you and a friend involved in picking it up and – once you realized what a white elephant it was – dropping it back off at the music store three years later with the same, “Here! Take it!” that was spoken to you in the first place…just so it can go on to the next sucker. And it did! To some random guy that was there when I hauled it in; just like I was there when some random kid hauled it in years earlier! It’s like something from a lower grade Needful Things; ownership gets you danged to heck instead of damned to hell! After that came a Fender Rhodes. It was the smaller one, but not the bass – what was that; the 88? Anyway, it was beautiful. Man oh man, that Rhodes sound…but utterly and profoundly wasted on me; a man who can’t get both hands to cooperate as they should on a piano keyboard despite my keyboard-playing parents efforts to teach me. Next I had a little Korg synth. It wasn’t expensive, and it was monophonic, so it didn’t present any issue for my lack of left hand keyboard aptitude. It had great chewy analog ‘80s synth pop sounds. I actually played it at two gigs, but ultimately it just didn’t contribute that much to our sound and our, um, not-so-rhythmically-adept drummer just couldn’t keep up with the unrelentingly metronomic pace of the thing on auto-arpeggiate in our otherwise awesome cover of Berlin’s “Metro.” Most recently (about five years ago) I dropped coin on a used set of Moog Taurus II bass pedals because we had no bass player. It was such a bear to set up that I just stopped bothering and sold it after moving the nearly coffin-sized road case around our house for a couple years until my wife needed the room it was in for an office when she started working from home. I regret every single one because I never got the money I paid back, with the exception of the organ…but I never got the floorspace it occupied in my studio apartment back as I didn’t ditch it along with its coating of dust until I moved. I don’t have a good explanation for this hubris, but I have the keyboard problem licked, because I bought an EHX Mel9 so now I have a variety of cool vintage keyboard sounds on my guitar pedalboard. If I ever want a new keyboard, I can buy one of the other pedals in the Key9 series. Yeah, that works!