A Merry Christmas To You Too

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by joshphase90wah, Dec 24, 2014.

  1. joshphase90wah

    joshphase90wah Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    101
    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2014
    Location:
    London
    December 14, 1972
    My dearest darling John:
    Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
    My love always, Agnes

    December 15, 1972
    Dearest John:
    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
    All my love, Agnes
    December 16, 1972
    Dear John:
    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
    All my love, Agnes

    December 17, 1972
    Dear John:
    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
    Affectionately, Agnes
    December 18, 1972
    Dearest John:
    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
    All my love, Agnes
    December 19, 1972
    Dear John:
    When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
    Cordially, Agnes
    December 20, 1972
    John:
    What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
    Sincerely, Agnes

    December 21, 1972
    O.K. Buster:
    I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
    Agnes

    December 22, 1972
    Hey ****head:
    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
    You'll get yours! Agnes
    December 23, 1972
    You rotten *****:
    Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
    I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

    December 24, 1972
    Listen ****head:
    What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
    Your sworn enemy, Agnes

    December 25, 1972
    Dear Sir:
    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
    Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
     
  2. vjf1968

    vjf1968 Poster Extraordinaire

    Age:
    51
    Posts:
    6,038
    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Location:
    Philadelphia
    My older sister had this very same joke, typed on paper. I found it in her bottom drawer when I was 13 (nosy bugger) and it still cracks me up. Of course hers had a lot of expletives in it. Thanks for the memory.
     
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