A celebration and a preparation

[LGOberean]

I posted a thread about a week ago about my Mom coming to live with us. That thread is here. Brief synopsis: Mom's a little more than 2 weeks away from her 91st birthday. She can no longer drive, no longer live alone. She has Alzheimer's. I haven't heard a doctor's definitive statement on what stage she's in, but from what I've researched thus far, it appears to me that she is in or on the cusp of stage 5.

In that previous thread, there were lots of well wishes and prayers offered for my Mom, my wife (Beth) and I, and they were truly much appreciated. I was posting thinking our decision to take Mom in might mean long hiatuses from TDPRI.

Counsel offered repeatedly in that thread was to find time for myself. I had already thought about finding ways for Beth to get some time off in every day, but I wasn't thinking about me. But the admonitions made sense. And checking in on TDPRI as often as I can seems like good therapy. So I plan to try to do that, hence this thread.

Actually, we no sooner got started getting Mom settled in when Beth and I had a scheduled trip, so my older brother in Dallas stepped up. He took her from Wednesday until tomorrow, when he will fly Mom back down here, and then we will really get started in settling into our new routines.

The trip we took (just got back this afternoon) was a camping trip. Some here may recall that Beth and I have an RV trailer and love camping. We love traveling in the great state of Texas and other states in the Union (we've camped in 10 states since we bought the trailer in 2019, and 11 other states before that), taking hikes with our dog Bella, cooking outdoors, etc.

This trip had been planned months before our decision to take Mom in, in part because that's how you book campsites at state parks (months in advance) and in large part because it was in celebration of our 50th wedding anniversary. Our kids gave us a trip to Puerto Rico (where I lived as a boy) last year, but this year was us celebrating our way. It wasn't glamorous or sexy (I can't keep up with my former self, and besides, we had a beagle sleeping in between us every night), but it was just what we wanted...and needed. We love getting away from the city, breathing clean air, hiking trails...we even love the driving, because we take great pains to stay off of Interstates and drive the two-lane blacktops, the Farm to Market roads and Ranch roads of rural Texas and the south. It just refreshes us like nothing else.

So, we've had our special time, and I even have time to post here, though I should cut this sort and put my wife to bed. Tomorrow evening our adventure with Mom will begin in earnest.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Stubee]

That sounds like a wonderful getaway and I don’t mean you were trying to get away. Being outside when things are complex is, to me, a salve that I often don’t expect until I actually get out there. Maybe schedule some things like that in advance now that your mother is moving in? In my life I’ve often neglected that until I realize I really, really need it.

 

[Deeve]

I posted a thread about a week ago about my Mom coming to live with us. That thread is here. Brief synopsis: Mom's a little more than 2 weeks away from her 91st birthday. She can no longer drive, no longer live alone. She has Alzheimer's. I haven't heard a doctor's definitive statement on what stage she's in, but from what I've researched thus far, it appears to me that she is in or on the cusp of stage 5.

In that previous thread, there were lots of well wishes and prayers offered for my Mom, my wife (Beth) and I, and they were truly much appreciated. I was posting thinking our decision to take Mom in might mean long hiatuses from TDPRI.

Counsel offered repeatedly in that thread was to find time for myself. I had already thought about finding ways for Beth to get some time off in every day, but I wasn't thinking about me. But the admonitions made sense. And checking in on TDPRI as often as I can seems like good therapy. So I plan to try to do that, hence this thread.

Actually, we no sooner got started getting Mom settled in when Beth and I had a scheduled trip, so my older brother in Dallas stepped up. He took her from Wednesday until tomorrow, when he will fly Mom back down here, and then we will really get started in settling into our new routines.

The trip we took (just got back this afternoon) was a camping trip. Some here may recall that Beth and I have an RV trailer and love camping. We love traveling in the great state of Texas and other states in the Union (we've camped in 10 states since we bought the trailer in 2019, and 11 other states before that), taking hikes with our dog Bella, cooking outdoors, etc.

This trip had been planned months before our decision to take Mom in, in part because that's how you book campsites at state parks (months in advance) and in large part because it was in celebration of our 50th wedding anniversary. Our kids gave us a trip to Puerto Rico (where I lived as a boy) last year, but this year was us celebrating our way. It wasn't glamorous or sexy (I can't keep up with my former self, and besides, we had a beagle sleeping in between us every night), but it was just what we wanted...and needed. We love getting away from the city, breathing clean air, hiking trails...we even love the driving, because we take great pains to stay off of Interstates and drive the two-lane blacktops, the Farm to Market roads and Ranch roads of rural Texas and the south. It just refreshes us like nothing else.

So, we've had our special time, and I even have time to post here, though I should cut this sort and put my wife to bed. Tomorrow evening our adventure with Mom will begin in earnest.

Thanks for listening.

Larry - I'm so very glad to hear you had the support from a sib to keep your earlier scheduled trip.
I'll re-echo the importance of occasional breaks from "duty" to avoid burnout.
Okay, you're back - now, for the next birthday or other "party" here's where I'm at:

My experience w/ late mom's last "birthday party" -
She was pretty deep into the cave of Alz, so we made a point of communicating very simple themes that were deeply coded to what remained of her brain.
We learned from experienced staff that what might look like the bangin' celebrations we enjoyed in her pre-Alz life would not be a joyful, or even tolerable part of her day, under her current condition.
So, we took their advice, dramatically limited crowd size, decorations, the "menu", crowd volume level, and the duration of her "party", focusing on her cues re anxiety and how (dis)oriented she was.
When we started seeing fatigue/anxiety, we didn't take it personally, but just organized a courteous but prompt withdrawal, to return her to her comfort zone of just myself and maybe one of my sibs, wheeling her back into her room.

Staff helped us remember how to frame things - is this a party for the benefit of US or is it something for benefit of MOM?
Please keep us in the loop.
There are interesting times ahead . . .
Peace - Deeve

 

[LGOberean]

Larry - I'm so very glad to hear you had the support from a sib to keep your earlier scheduled trip.
I'll re-echo the importance of occasional breaks from "duty" to avoid burnout.
Okay, you're back - now, for the next birthday or other "party" here's where I'm at:

My experience w/ late mom's last "birthday party" -
She was pretty deep into the cave of Alz, so we made a point of communicating very simple themes that were deeply coded to what remained of her brain.
We learned from experienced staff that what might look like the bangin' celebrations we enjoyed in her pre-Alz life would not be a joyful, or even tolerable part of her day, under her current condition.
So, we took their advice, dramatically limited crowd size, decorations, the "menu", crowd volume level, and the duration of her "party", focusing on her cues re anxiety and how (dis)oriented she was.
When we started seeing fatigue/anxiety, we didn't take it personally, but just organized a courteous but prompt withdrawal, to return her to her comfort zone of just myself and maybe one of my sibs, wheeling her back into her room.

Staff helped us remember how to frame things - is this a party for the benefit of US or is it something for benefit of MOM?
Please keep us in the loop.
There are interesting times ahead . . .
Peace - Deeve

As for the "party" celebrating Mom's 91st birthday, it didn't involve other family members. Well, that's not entirely accurate; they did call her on her day.

But because my siblings live in north Texas, it was up to us down here to have activities/a "party" for her. My wife Beth took Mom to get her hair done and a manicure. Then we took her out to lunch at our favorite restaurant. Then we took a scenic drive in our fair city. And that was it.

What we're dealing with now is how to get things done while having to "babysit" Mom. If we get task oriented and don't engage her or give her some task, she zones out, as in sitting there with a glassy-eyed stare not doing a thing. If that lasts for very long, she goes to her room (my former man cave) and takes a nap.

That's what just happened, which is why I've got a little time to check in here. Beth was in her usual can't-sit-still-gotta-get-things-done mode, I was trying to take care of some of Mom's business by answering a realtor's email. Mom asked if there was anything we needed her to do, and when we said "No," she went to her room and lay down. She had only been awake for about an hour.

There's more I'd like to say, but it's not directly about Mom or her Alzheimer's, so I'll post a new thread when I can.

 

[thunderbyrd]

Hang in there.