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“Marge, you’re breaking my heart...” All 131 Van Halen songs ranked

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Mike Eskimo, Oct 13, 2020.

  1. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Telecaster88, Danb541, Peegoo and 6 others like this.
  2. beyer160

    beyer160 Friend of Leo's

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    This is an amazing piece of work, Klosterman is on FIRE.

    “This is the auditory equivalent of Optimus Prime vomiting in slow motion, which probably sounds like an insult, although not to me.”
     
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  3. Engine Swap

    Engine Swap Tele-Holic

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    Delightfully Snarky - that was fun (and spot-on)!
     
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  4. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    And I definitely went through the list to see where my personal, and sometimes obscure, Van Halen songs placed in his listing.

    Secrets, Women In Love, Don’t Tell Me What Love Can Do, Drop Dead Legs, etc
     
  5. ElJay370

    ElJay370 Tele-Afflicted

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    Klosterman is a genius....

    "1.
    “Eruption,” Van Halen (1978)
    There are those who don’t even consider this a song. It wasn’t intended for the album, Eddie still insists it includes a mistake, and there are now eighth-graders on YouTube who can replicate every note. But “Eruption” is the distilled essence of Van Halen, the vortex of their ethos, and the sonic justification for jettisoning every lead singer who starts to seem halfway annoying. The first 45 seconds are impressive, but not transcendent (there are, in fact, certain similarities to the opening of the 1970 Cactus song “Let Me Swim”). The music fades out, and any cogent first-time listener would find themselves thinking, “Well, I guess that was it. I guess that was okay.” But suddenly he’s back, and now he’s attacking the instrument the way piranhas skeletonize a water buffalo, and then he does that thing that he always does and your living room speakers transmogrify into the P-Funk Mothership and ascend through the roof and into the troposphere. It ends with the Doppler effect, except you haven’t moved and neither has he. This is, by the widest possible margin, the most important freestanding guitar solo of all time. And I realize that if you hate Van Halen, this is precisely what you hate. You hate the sensation of having your brain trapped in a beehive, you hate the distance between the proficiency of the artist and the potentiality of his audience, and you hate that this guy just invented the 1980s. But if you love Van Halen, this is what you love, and you can listen to it a thousand times without diminishing returns. The experience does not evolve. You will always be inside that guitar."
     
  6. Dan R

    Dan R Poster Extraordinaire

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    Good rundown. I read that the VH catalog is selling like crazy now, mostly Roth-era material. EVH is definitely getting his due respect.
     
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  7. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I love his take on the debut singles of Van Hagar versus solo Roth.

    “Why can’t this be love” vs “Yankee Rose”.

    It’s like Roth out-Van Halened Van Halen.

    Even with Steve Vai’s stupid talking guitar. :lol:

    and then he makes the brilliant observation that it should’ve been “summer nights“.

    talk about “D’oh !“ :confused:
     
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  8. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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  9. jondanger

    jondanger Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

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    Klosterman is the best kind of insufferable weenie. The same kind as me! Always at his best when he’s writing earnest appreciations of meathead music.
     
  10. Musekatcher

    Musekatcher Friend of Leo's

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    Fun, but I found a few of my favs in the lower half. Eh, that's ok. These lists never represent a trend, where the standard of deviation is two or more digits.
     
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  11. MilwMark

    MilwMark Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    "classically trained virtuosos who make music for getting hammered in parking lots."

    Brilliant.

    And perfect.
     
  12. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Pre-mortem : eh, kinda relevant...

    I take pride in almost for sure knowing that if you said that in front of me and Van Halen , we’d both have blank or slightly amused looks on our faces. Them because they probably wouldn’t know what you’re referring to and me because I hated/flunked stats...:confused::lol:
     
  13. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    That's pretty much what I said when I revived the original posting of this, a few days ago ;)
     
  14. Peegoo

    Peegoo Poster Extraordinaire

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    "The sonic architecture is brilliant and the message is heartfelt, so the only real problem is that it makes me want to shoot myself in the pancreas."

    And THAT, laydeez-n-jennlmin, is exactly how rock and roll is supposed to work!
     
  15. Danb541

    Danb541 Tele-Afflicted

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    That was a great article. Thanks for sharing
     
  16. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    It's funny, that whole "paying your respects" idea.
    The ideal time to do that is while someone's still living, IMO

    And yet in the arts/entertainment world it so often doesn't necessarily work that way
     
  17. Peegoo

    Peegoo Poster Extraordinaire

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    "EVH is definitely getting his due respect."

    I tend to believe Eddie steadily got his deserved props throughout his career. He was the catalyst for what became the 80s guitar sound. Just about every hard rock and metal player that appeared on the scene after 1980 has cited Eddie as an influence; that is the highest form of praise, coming from a performer with a huge name in their own right. And it came from a whole lot players that are household names today.
     
  18. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    oh - now I get it :lol:
     
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  19. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Here’s his just desserts/props :


    One of the most interesting and best rhythm guitar players ever.

    Sure - brilliant soloist, that’s pretty apparent.

    Think about how much it would have sucked to have been “the Eddie” in a band in the 80s.


    George Lynch? Adrian Vandenberg? Nuno Betancourt?

    There was Eddie and - a whole crowd of those guys...
     
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