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Venting - Thank you

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by TMMC, Dec 6, 2017.

  1. acrylicsuperman

    acrylicsuperman Tele-Holic

    Nov 17, 2010
    I'm sorry that has happened to you.

    Wish I knew of a way to lighten the mood. Would you settle for some dark humor?

    El Tele Lobo, Tele1966 and TMMC like this.
  2. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013

    I appreciate it. I'm not divulging everything of course, it wouldn't be prudent or tactful to do so, but everything indicates that her issues existed mostly previous to my knowing her, and trust is certainly a component of this, but it's really deeply rooted in her anxiety, fear of not knowing who she really is, and learning how to forgive and move on...forgiveness primarily for her ex, her family, and even some for me. Forgiving doesn't approve of a sin, and it's for the forgivee more than the forgiven, in order to move on. She needs to learn this, big time.

    In the end she's the most stubborn person I've ever known. At times I've loved that about her, and at other times? Well, not so much. Ha ha ha
    El Tele Lobo likes this.
  3. Doghouse_Riley

    Doghouse_Riley Tele-Afflicted

    Sep 11, 2016
    My advice is don't trust any verbal promises. Get things in writing. My ex and I were friends and had agreed to splitting the house and finances where I gave her everything and she promised not to go after me for alimony. Everything was great until we got to court and she reneged (after spending $150,000 dollars I gave her). Now I have to pay her $1100/month for the rest of her life unless she remarries.
  4. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    Learned that the first time around, to the tune of $100k. It will not happen again.
  5. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Friend of Leo's

    Feb 3, 2017
    Foat Wuth, Texas
    Sorry to hear all this...I think I know exactly how you're feeling. I, too, got hit with that proverbial ton of bricks out of the blue....I knew there were some "issues" going on, but somehow expected that we'd work through them together and go on together....boy was I wrong.
    Now I'm going to say something that you probably don't want to hear, won't help you any, and won't mean anything until a LONG time has passed.....but when it happened to me, I thought life was over and not worth living. Not only did this affect me, but my daughter (12 at the time) was devastated. And really still is, 35 years later. She still carries a trunkload of resentment and anger, and while she copes and talks to her mom, I don't think she will ever truly get over it. BUT....with much soul-searching and thought, I realize being rid of her is the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God almost every day for knowing what was best for me, even when I didn't. I've acknowledged the things that I was responsible for (and there were many) but I now see that what I thought I loved in her were all the wrong things. Not speaking to your situation, but in my case, I know she was not a "good" person....and that's not just my perspective....her own family feels the same way. Karma has a way of catching up with you, and comparing her life to mine over the last 35 years has demonstrated who deserves what. Peace be upon you, and patience....and keep the "faith".
    El Tele Lobo, TMMC and Chicago Matt like this.
  6. ndcaster

    ndcaster Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

    Nov 14, 2013
    I totally get it, we probably know very similar women, and I'd just like to say that people can change, because they can grow

    but some inertia is too strong to overcome, so I'll just send up some prayers
    El Tele Lobo and TMMC like this.
  7. jackinjax

    jackinjax Friend of Leo's

    Sep 11, 2016
    My condolences, TMMC.
  8. Darkness

    Darkness Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 7, 2016
    Stygian Gulf
    @TMMC - channeling positive thoughts your way. Keep your head up and reach out when you need it.
  9. william tele

    william tele Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

    Nov 7, 2009
    Kansas City, MO
    TMMC...please allow me to deviate from the advice giving theme to just humbly observe that you seem to have a very rational handle on what's happening. You recognize so many things that are the real important components of this event.

    I admire that you are able to present your situation without the theatrics and the "why me???" angle. Through everything, someone has to keep it together and...from what I've read...that someone is you.

    The kid's will survive. They need the love and support of both parents and you recognize this. In every marriage we like to think things are 50/50...but they seldom are. In every marriage things are usually 51/49 at best and one of the partners takes up the slack. Again...I commend you.

    Thank you for sharing this. I know it can be crushing to keep everything inside. My are doing the best job you can. Keep it up and you have my hopes and wishes for a peaceful and uncomplicated future...
  10. Tele1966

    Tele1966 Friend of Leo's

    Jul 30, 2014
    @TTMC, I'm sorry you're going through this. Like yourself and many people on this forum, I've been through divorce. I had a tough time dealing with my first divorce, I was depressed and very sad for a couple of years. My grieving ultimately wasn't about losing her, my grief was losing the marriage. Counseling really helped me. Anyway, all the best to you TTMC, I'm sure you'll take the high road through all of it. Taking the high road and never speaking badly about my ex is one thing that really kept me focused.
    El Tele Lobo, TMMC and Chicago Matt like this.
  11. scrapyardblue

    scrapyardblue Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

    Feb 6, 2007
    central illinois
    When she says she wants to be friends, she thinks you're a decent guy, father, person etc. Do not for one minute allow that 'friends' mode to drag you into a false sense of things getting better if you wait it out. Going to kid's parties is understandable, but outside of civility, distance yourself as much as possible from this women and live your life.

    I've seen a lot of women approach 40 or 50 and wonder if that's all there is to life. It's not uncommon that it has nothing to do with the partner at all. I do question why with such a young kid, but doubt you have any remedy for what's itching her.

    The good news is that it always heals and you are almost sure to be better off.
  12. String Tree

    String Tree Doctor of Teleocity

    Dec 8, 2010
    Up North
    Keep an even Keel.
    It will take time to re-adjust your Life.
    Tele1966 and TMMC like this.
  13. Chicago Matt

    Chicago Matt Friend of Leo's

    Aug 23, 2014
    So sorry to hear this, TMMC. I know how devastating this must be for you and your kids. I know because 27 years ago, my wife at the time did the same thing after almost 15 years of marriage. Our kids were 6 and 3 at the time. My heart goes out to you.

    From your posts thus far, I know you're taking the right path on this, and I encourage you to continue on.

    In my case, my ex-wife ended up doing the same thing to her new husband (our kid's step-dad) after she had been with him for 15 years. She never has found out "who she is". Fortunately that's not my problem today. But I have never regretted taking the path of love and forgiveness, as you are doing! I love my ex-wife in spite of everything, and wish the best for her. That's been good for me, for her, and especially for our kids who are now 33 and 30.

    After our divorce I remember times when I thought the best of my life was over. But I want to share with you that a few years later, I met an incredible young woman when I was on a job in Buenos Aires. I was 44 and she was 26. We quickly discovered that we are soul mates. We've been married now for 23 years and have two "kids" of our own in college. She's been a great friend to my adult kids from my previous marriage, and I've had the best life with her by my side that I can imagine. I share this only to give you hope that things will be better, that life isn't over. Carry on, my friend.

    You and your kids (and your wife) are in my prayers.
  14. thegeezer

    thegeezer Tele-Holic

    Jul 5, 2010
    West Michigan
    Best of luck, in all sincerity.

    Been there, done that. Even managed to get a joint custody agreement, though they all three lived with me and I paid all the cost of raising and educating them...quite willingly, by the way. She wasn't around much while finding herself although she lived three blocks away.

    But the friends thing...I'd say most start out saying that. I truly hope you're right for the sake of all involved but, and I'm sure you're aware of this, over the long haul it rarely happens.

    Pulling for you...

    Oh, on the bright side that was a little over 20 years ago and I've been re-married to a wonderful woman for the past 16 years. Just sayin'.
  15. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Telefied Ad Free Member

    Nov 15, 2009
    Austin, Tx
  16. Geoff738

    Geoff738 Poster Extraordinaire

    May 11, 2007
    Sorry to hear.

    I’m also going through a divorce that was not my idea and came out of the blue, have a kid, with autism, and many thousands of dollars of lawyers bills. And it looks like litigation will be needed to sort things out.

    I wish I had wise words of wisdom, but I don’t based on what I’m going through. It just sucks. But I wish you the best moving forward.

    Chicago Matt and Tele1966 like this.
  17. homesick345

    homesick345 Poster Extraordinaire

    Jan 20, 2012
    Beirut, Lebanon
    LAWYER UP. That's the best advice
    blowtorch likes this.
  18. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

    May 2, 2003
    Sorry. Almost certainly there is a third party involved.

    As a man, you have to cover your ass. She can have you thrown out of your own house, if she's willing to lie.

    Put the kids first.

    Get a lawyer.

    Again, sorry
    El Tele Lobo likes this.
  19. Jupiter

    Jupiter Telefied Ad Free Member

    Jun 22, 2010
    Osaka, Japan
    Best wishes, and no advice.

    Well, you should prolly buy a guitar, but...
    brookdalebill likes this.
  20. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Telefied Ad Free Member

    Nov 15, 2009
    Austin, Tx
    Always good advice, sir.
    I never bought a guitar and felt bad about it.
    teletimetx and BorderRadio like this.
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