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Venting - Thank you

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by TMMC, Dec 6, 2017 at 1:32 PM.

  1. AngelDeville

    AngelDeville Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    106
    Dec 27, 2007
    Albuquerque
    I told my ex we'd still be friends to get her to sign the paperwork.

    Time to move on.

    I have been re-married for 8 years now, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
     
    speedingjet and notabot like this.

  2. richiek65

    richiek65 Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

    My heart breaks for you.. I'm not eloquent enough to offer the words I'd like to but as you can read from everyone else comments, what you are going thru and are about to go thru is no small matter and you need to look after yourself in every way.. Mentally, financially, legally etc.. things will get worse before they get better but they will get better.. counseling is mandatory, and try at least two if you can... Don't hold back in telling your other half explicitly that this shouldn't be happening. I'm not sure what else to say but man, hang in there.. Reach out to this forum regularly ok?
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017 at 3:38 PM

  3. 3fngrs

    3fngrs Tele-Meister

    499
    Oct 30, 2017
    Ohio
    Find out who she really is?
     
    blowtorch likes this.

  4. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    SLC
    I appreciate very much all the support.

    In truth, we're great friends. We agree on all matters of parenting, agree that parenting the children is our most important prerogative and that we need to do so as we've done thus far. I support her, though not this decision; I understand and accept it, but I don't agree with it. That said, she has some personal issues that will require (likely years) of focus and probably some form of treatment as well. I'll be her friend throughout all of this, and I won't waiver. I know her faults and flaws, she knows mine, and we can be friends despite these things.

    That said, our assets, finances, and parenting time has all been arranged and agreed upon and will be signed and notarized under the eye of a mediator. In the end, as long as my kids face minimal developmental damage from this, and my wife can find peace and happiness, all will be well.
     

  5. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    SLC
    Yep. Sounds hokey, but I get it. She really had to adapt to a totally different life than she was living (coming into a relationship where I had kids, different religions, different family structures, etc...) and she changed a lot (never asked to do so) and realized that she'd changed so much she doesn't know who she is anymore. I can understand. Might be a little mid-life crisis like, but it's pretty understandable with the details laid out.
     

  6. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    SLC
    Also, I've done this once before, and it was TERRIBLE. This time we're on the same page, we understand, we're putting the kids interest first as much as possible...it'll still be tough, but far easier I think.
     

  7. 3fngrs

    3fngrs Tele-Meister

    499
    Oct 30, 2017
    Ohio
    I've been through this twice. Admit your anger to yourself or it will eat a hole in you.

    I had a friend that spent years trying to be a good guy. Once he finally admitted to himself that he was angry and that he sort of hated her for what she did, he finally got over her.

    I just went out and got...over her.

    Not his her. lol
    We were going through similar things at the same time.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017 at 2:48 PM
    thegeezer likes this.

  8. ndcaster

    ndcaster Friend of Leo's

    Nov 14, 2013
    Indiana
    Oh man TMMC, that is rough

    is she completely against marriage counseling?

    I used to look down on that kind of thing, but all marriages have stresses of one kind or another, and it's incredibly helpful to have a third person in the room (yes, I've been there)

    with kids involved, it's incredibly important to do EVERYTHING possible

    I'm very, very sorry to read about this
     
    Tele1966 and TMMC like this.

  9. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    SLC
    I appreciate the advice. The anger is there; I've made it clear that I do NOT want this and that I'm upset about it, and I've been playing my drums like I'm Bonzo reincarnate, but I'm also working on months and months of preparing for this to probably happen, so I'm passed the really tough part. Plus, I've got my guitars...they keep me grounded. Pun?
     
    El Tele Lobo and Nickadermis like this.

  10. ndcaster

    ndcaster Friend of Leo's

    Nov 14, 2013
    Indiana
    "as long as my kids face minimal developmental damage from this"

    does she understand how difficult this is to avoid?

    "and my wife can find peace and happiness, all will be well"

    what about YOU?
     
    Harry Styron and richiek65 like this.

  11. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    SLC
    She's getting therapy. Won't do marriage counseling; she said it's just passed the point where she wants to be married to anyone. It really is a personal thing for her now. I've not been perfect, but I can rest knowing I've been a good husband and done my part.
     
    jackinjax and richiek65 like this.

  12. burntfrijoles

    burntfrijoles Friend of Leo's

    Feb 12, 2010
    Jacksonville
    Sorry to hear this painful news. I've been there. You will survive and eventually move on with your life.
    There is no rushing the stages you will go through. It takes time and perseverance.
    As someone else said, don't let your grief cloud your judgement in terms of finance. Although this may seem like a distant and irrelevant tangent, it is not.
    You are vulnerable and you obviously still have feelings for her. Don't let this cloud your judgement.
    Best wishes to you.
     
    Tele1966 likes this.

  13. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    SLC

    Yep, it's really hard. With the first time it really caused a lot of damage on my kids. Fortunately this time she'll be living close, will still hang out, we'll go to parties together, the kids will spend lots of time with us both and with us both together. It'll be when they are older (currently 4 and 1) that the difficulty of explaining will likely rear it's ugly head, like it did before. I'll be ready.

    My happiness? Lots of great women in the SLC area. I'll find one. ;)
     
    El Tele Lobo and richiek65 like this.

  14. ndcaster

    ndcaster Friend of Leo's

    Nov 14, 2013
    Indiana
    how do you feel about insisting she go, in order for you to sign?

    UPDATE: you sound healthy, never mind. I'm sending positive vibes anyway.
     
    Harry Styron likes this.

  15. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    SLC
    We discussed this. She's willing to do a co-parenting class, but she's unwilling to do marriage counseling. I get it. Her first marriage really broke her, and after ten years I thought I could repair the damage, but it's clear that it's up to her and not me. So she's looking at this from a "I need to get well" perspective, not a "Let's get well" viewpoint.

    Maybe in the future, if she comes around and I'm still around, she'll want to give it another shot. I'd not bet on that; she's terrible prideful.
     

  16. johnny k

    johnny k Tele-Afflicted

    Jan 15, 2011
    France
    It sucks, but you can probably write a cool song about that situation. A blues or country one probably. You re probably not the first or the last, so if you can put this into a song it will probably resonate to a few people.
     

  17. CWP0126

    CWP0126 Tele-Meister

    119
    Apr 2, 2016
    Tampa, Fl
    Best of luck to you TM. I'm sorry this is happening, try to enjoy the holidays as much as you can, and be there for your kids. They are the most important consideration when these things happen, as you already know.
     
    TMMC likes this.

  18. fendertx

    fendertx Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

    Nov 12, 2008
    Houston
    There is some very good advice so far. I can tell you about my experience. My divorce was amicable, we respected each other and remained civil. As suggested, we used one lawyer and the divorce was smooth. It was great for the kids but terrible for me.

    Being stoic and biting your tongue will slowly wear you down. As others have said, respecting her is different from supporting her decision. Be sure to be very clear about your view and feelings. I spent years undoing the damage I did to myself by swallowing my feelings and putting her and the kids first.

    Of course, the kids do come first, but in this situation, you should be second and her third.


    Good luck and positive vibes

    edit: you responded to several posts in the time it took for me to put my thoughts together, so I hope I dont appear to be beating a dead horse.
     
    Chicago Matt and TMMC like this.

  19. Mjark

    Mjark Doctor of Teleocity Silver Supporter

    Feb 14, 2011
    Annapolis, MD
    Sorry to hear it. I've never been divorced but get a lawyer.
     

  20. ndcaster

    ndcaster Friend of Leo's

    Nov 14, 2013
    Indiana
    look, it's none of my business, but can I lay a few thoughts out here?

    I'd bet she has major trust issues, and that's hard for you and anyone else really to live with. I speak from experience: there's a lot of this in my extended family. What's pretty clear to me at this point is that these kinds of trust issues can't, by definition, be solved in isolation. Trust is something that happens in a relation, and it takes a long time.

    I've seen people go through this. It can be pretty punishing, and a lot of people lose heart. The successful ones that I've seen are successful because the person who doesn't trust just has to marry *marriage* itself. The marriage becomes this third thing that both people commit to. It takes the scariness out of trusting the other particular person a little, just enough to keep it going and to let trust build itself back up.

    I have no reason to doubt your description of her as "terribly prideful." Again, I've seen that. But can she take no pride in her fidelity? In her marriage? Maybe that pride can be applied more productively to that?

    Well. If what's done is done, I really do wish you and your two kids the best and will pray that you find a wife and mom to them that will be the love they, and you, need and deserve.
     
    Harry Styron and El Tele Lobo like this.

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