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Venting - Thank you

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by TMMC, Dec 6, 2017.

  1. TMMC

    TMMC Tele-Afflicted

    Apr 3, 2013
    Hi everyone,

    You've all been great over the years; supportive, friendly, understanding.

    I'm not much of one to publicly vent but in my current situation I don't really have anyone to talk to, so I figured I'd put it up here and just ask that if you read you send out a positive thought into the universe for me.

    My wife and I, after ten years, have split. We're still best friends, but she's determined she no longer wants to be married, that she wants to take time to find out who she really is and that means she needs to disconnect from a partner. I can't say I understand, but I support her in her endevour. We've talked a great deal about it for a year now, and she finally dropped the news on me. We'll tell the kids and families after the holidays.

    Needless to say I'm deeply saddened. She's the love of my life, much more than that really, and we're now going to be designated as friends only, and that breaks my heart into a million pieces.

    I know many of you have been through something not dissimilar. My heart goes out to anyone who's been here. I appreciate all the support, and I thank you for letting me comment. It hurts now, but as per usual time and faith and hard work will heal all things.

    To the future, and happy holidays (Merry Christmas!) to you all.

    happy holidays.jpg
    janea69, El Tele Lobo, tery and 5 others like this.
  2. -Hawk-

    -Hawk- Friend of Leo's

    Oct 14, 2015
    IL, USA
    Oh man. That's a real bummer and I'm sorry it's happening to you.

    It takes time. Just keep saying those words and eventually it'll be true. In the meantime, drown your sorrows in positive ways.
    Tele1966 likes this.
  3. Bristlehound

    Bristlehound Tele-Afflicted

    Jan 4, 2017
    I'm really sorry to hear that.
  4. Pualee

    Pualee Tele-Meister

    Feb 5, 2014
    Good luck on the healing process. Depending on the age of your kids, there will definitely be some emotional trouble in the future, and possibly some fighting.

    I know some folks manage to avoid court, and one thing I will recommend to them is to take co-parenting classes anyway.

    I was forced to as a result of a very bad separation process, and I learned a lot about how my kids will act and react. One thing to know, a young child will exhibit certain behaviors relating to the separation that are different from older kids. And as younger kids age and develop, they go through the separation process again at each stage...

    I won't try to offer any comfort. Each situation is so horrible and different. But whatever the heartbreak and trouble, stay focused on your kids.

    And build up a support network of people you can trust to talk to - financially, emotionally, etc. It is the only thing that got me through.
  5. RodeoTex

    RodeoTex Poster Extraordinaire

    Sep 14, 2005
    Nueces Strip
    Sorry TM. I don't understand either. Sounds like it doesn't necessarily mean forever. Please take advantage of the time to do something you've been ' meaning 'to do. Learn Spanish, learn to read music, finally write that novel.
    Tele1966 likes this.
  6. ebb soul

    ebb soul Poster Extraordinaire

    Jun 7, 2016
    Smyrna georgia
    Sorry bout that. Mine ran off with the manager of the Kroger.
    Protect your assets, thats job 1.
  7. homesick345

    homesick345 Poster Extraordinaire

    Jan 20, 2012
    Beirut, Lebanon
    Sorry about that. It's not cool. I agree that you can be respectful of your wife's decision, you have to actually - but you don't have to "support" it. My advice is to vent your frustration and sadness, and let her know it's not ok, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU FEEL. No need to play the supportive "white knight" role.

    Abandoning family and children is never cool, when there is no clear motive
  8. stratofortress

    stratofortress Tele-Afflicted

    Oct 25, 2011
    Tough situation but man that's a hell of a bomb to drop on someone.
    In my book she already is a Mom and wife.
    I truly hope this ends well but its going to be rough on everyone involved.

    Seek legal advice because sometimes the friends end of it crashes and burns..
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
  9. Wallo Tweed

    Wallo Tweed Friend of Leo's

    Dec 6, 2011
    Penn's Woods
    Oh man, sorry to read this.
    I hope you guys can be as civil as possible.
    Good luck to you.
  10. ladave

    ladave Tele-Meister

    Sep 25, 2017
    Los Angeles
    Very sorry. You are not alone.
    Tele1966 likes this.
  11. Lonn

    Lonn Friend of Leo's

    Dec 13, 2007
    What Homesick said. It's nice that you're "supportive" of her decision, but now you've got to protect your kids and yourself. One thing that's easy to do and very detrimental is to put the kids between you. Don't do it. Just don't. Be there for your kids as best you can. They'll remember it, trust me. This is experience talking.
  12. 4 Cat Slim

    4 Cat Slim Friend of Leo's

    Oct 17, 2012
    Nelson City TX
    +1 to what RodeoTex said.
    Sorry to hear that this has happened to you, but you can do the personal growth thing, too.

    Trying to move on while staying friends won't be easy. Best wishes to you.
    Tele1966 likes this.
  13. Nubs

    Nubs Tele-Afflicted

    Aug 16, 2014
    Houston, TX
    It's better to love & lost than never to have loved at all. I speak from many years of experience. Even though it may suck, you have the unique pleasure of continuing with her at some capacity. Think back to the great times you've spent together and smile from them. Hopefully at some point down the road she will be ready to reunite.

    Best of luck!
    Tele1966 likes this.
  14. chris m.

    chris m. Poster Extraordinaire

    If you have health insurance you might want to see if it covers any counseling. As long as your counselor can say they're treating you for anxiety, depression, or both, it may well
    be covered. I went through an amicable but still terribly painful divorce and I was quite depressed for a couple of years. It took counseling to realize that much of my depression was
    actually anger that I was suppressing and not acknowledging. I was so stressed out I broke out into shingles at age 38, which is unusual. I also was on anti-depressants for awhile, though
    I found that exercising a lot was enough to enable to me to wean off the drugs. The good news is that after a few years of dating and sowing more wild oats I found the right partner and
    got married. It was easier in my case because there were no kids. All the more reason you might want someone to talk to-- the burden of having to stay strong and positive for your kids
    might make it even harder for you truly take care of yourself.

    I would also strongly recommend you pursue a no-fault, negotiated divorce settlement where you engage one mediator type lawyer at most to work for both of you. In my case we didn't
    even need a lawyer. We bought the book, "How to do your own divorce in California" and filed all the paperwork ourselves. As long as you two are in full agreement on how you want to handle
    division of joint property, custody, and any alimony, the family court judge will happily endorse your agreement and make it legal. In my opinion spending money on lawyers is just money
    down a rat hole because at the end of the day unless you are super rich with all kinds of obscure assets the court has pretty cut and dried formulas for how everything should be resolved.
    Lawyers can be making all kinds of crazy arguments for this or that but the court is listening with half an ear as they fill out the dissolution decree that looks pretty much like the hundreds of others that
    they process all the time.
  15. Nickadermis

    Nickadermis Friend of Leo's

    Dec 18, 2016
    Camden Point, MO
    Positive thoughts and vibes being sent your way, I've been there, nothing I can say will make it make sense but in time things work out one way or another and we adapt.

    I'm wishing for you to weather this and come out stronger on the other side and my door is always open if you want or need to PM someone to vent some frustrations!
    Tele1966 likes this.
  16. mnutz

    mnutz Tele-Afflicted

    Sorry to hear that. I wish you much peace and good mojo!
  17. joealso

    joealso Tele-Meister Silver Supporter

    Dec 25, 2012
    East Haddam, CT
    So sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. My wife and I split about 10 years ago after 25 years together. I also lost my daughter 2 years ago. I'm here to tell you that if you keep your head on straight, you will land on your feet again.

    One bit of very good advice I was offered by a good friend was to purposefully not make any major decision for 12 months unless I absolutely had to do so. I followed that advice and, in addition, I did not even think about dating anyone for 12 months. Both decisions served me very well.

    Today, I'm married to the woman of my dreams and I believe my ex is happier as well.

    Good luck, my friend.
  18. sedandelivery

    sedandelivery Tele-Meister

    Dec 10, 2009
    New York
    This x1000. Absolutely do not go out of your way to support something that you obviously do not feel is the correct decision. You are not being honest with yourself or her. In the end she will respect you more. She is breaking up your family and leaving a good man who loves her. Obviously I do not know all the details of your situation, but don't help her rationalize away the very real consequences of her actions.

    I will also add that my thoughts and prayers are with you...big time! I went through a broken engagement last year and I'm still recovering. Just focus on you (and your kids). It's the best way to recover from something like this.
  19. BobbyB

    BobbyB Tele-Afflicted

    Sorry to hear man. Its an unfortunate thing in life that people change and sometimes drift apart for whatever reason. Usually its NOT mutual as it sounds in your case.
    The hardest thing is you two have children which means keeping the PEACE is as important as ever. If a she just wants to go and not work on it, Let her know its NOT ok with you. Tell her how hurt and betrayed you feel. You can stay CIVIL but how can you be a friend? I could not. It reminds me of dating someone you LOVE and they turn to you and say.....lets just be friends.....NOT....they just string you along until they find a new guy while all your hopes are dashed. Good luck, I really wish the best for you.
    El Tele Lobo likes this.
  20. Mississippi_Kid

    Mississippi_Kid Tele-Meister

    Aug 5, 2016
    Hinterlands, USA
    I hate divorce. Said a prayer for you (and your wife).
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