Asher Guitars WD Music Products Amplified Parts Mod Kits DIY Nordstarnd Pickups
Asher Guitars WD Music Products Amplified Parts Mod Kits DIY Nordstarnd Pickups
Asher Guitars WD Music Products Amplified Parts Mod Kits DIY Nordstarnd Pickups

How do you bail on a band?

Discussion in 'Band Wagon' started by swampyankee, Mar 27, 2018.


    LOSTVENTURE Tele-Afflicted

    Feb 13, 2007
    Charlotte, NC
    Tell them that you're dying. It's not an outright lie, and eventually will happen, hopefully no time soon. Then hit the road.
    Tootle, Bassman8 and Sollipsist like this.
  2. heltershelton

    heltershelton Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

    Sep 14, 2016
    not houston
    I havent read any of the other replies. my best advice to you is to just be honest, look them straight in the eyes, and tell them exactly what you wrote here. and dont let them try to guilt trip you.
    jimilee, beagle and INFANT like this.
  3. T Prior

    T Prior Poster Extraordinaire

    Mar 17, 2003
    Charlotte NC
    It may be better to hold your tongue with regard to reasoning , this is a band. Bands break up all the time, then members form other bands. Should you say something that another finds offensive it can end a friendship. It can prevent a call in the future.

    What exactly is the importance of a band in the big picture, have some good social time and play some music together. It's not like the band is going to open for Eric Clapton anytime soon.

    Give them some notice which may include playing the gigs you committed to and then exit out, as friends.

    Always leave the door open , you don't know if one of them may call you again,or you don't know if you may call one of them !

    Place the entire leaving thing on YOUR personal shoulders.

    Think of it this way, you may prepare a big exit speech on the way to rehearsal ,then when you get there, someone else quits before you do or the leader says the band is now broke up and he's starting a new band !

    How we EXIT a band is just as important as how we JOINED a band.
    RoyalBaby, Flaneur and Tele1966 like this.
  4. Paul Jenkin

    Paul Jenkin Friend of Leo's

    Aug 17, 2017
    Essex, UK
    Do you have to leave 100% ?

    What I mean is, is there any way you can still play when you're available but not have to commit to playing at every gig?

    If this could work, it might be a compromise that suits both you and the band.
  5. beagle

    beagle Friend of Leo's

    Jul 20, 2010
    Just say "I can't do this anymore, I have a note from my Mum". While they're laughing, get the hell out.
    Wrong-Note Rod and Undone like this.
  6. philosofriend

    philosofriend Tele-Holic

    Oct 28, 2015
    Here's two things that can make this situation a little nicer:

    1. Wait for some band crisis to give you a chance to have your quitting not be the band's biggest problem. You can be respectful and friendly on the way out and not burn your bridges. The one guy in the band you enjoy playing with will remember this and maybe call you later when he is in a band you would actually like to be in....

    2. If they really believe that they need someone playing your instrument, help them find a replacement who has a chance to work out. If they have gigs, there are plenty of musicians who would like to jump in there. Get on the phone and find that guy.
  7. tfarny

    tfarny Friend of Leo's

    Sep 4, 2008
    Hudson Valley, NY
    Yeah, just tell them like a man. I don't feel like you should need any special way to do this other than honestly, directly, and respectfully, just like with anything you might do that affects others. If you can, you might give them the option of having you stay on for a few more or leave right away.
  8. ndcaster

    ndcaster Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

    Nov 14, 2013
    Tell them they're holding you back, so you're auditioning for American Idol.
    Wrong-Note Rod, mgreene and aerhed like this.
  9. swampyankee

    swampyankee Tele-Holic Gold Supporter

    Feb 5, 2015
    Southeastern MA
    I guess I must take my commitments pretty seriously - maybe too seriously. I was in a somewhat bad marriage 30+ years before I decided it was the right time to end it (waited for the kids to grow up, waited for the kids to move out, then for them to get married. Never the right time). I've held the same job through thick and thin for 35 years.
    I kind of look at the band the same way. These guys were practicing for about 4 years together and never played out before I came along. We've been playing pretty steadily since I joined. I don't think they'd give me credit for it, but I seem to have been the catalyst that got things going. And I'd feel bad about letting them down since the band is known for our harmonies, which include me. Plus I'm the youngest one there so I do alot of the roadie work. LOL
    TBOT and nojazzhere like this.
  10. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

    Nov 15, 2009
    Austin, Tx
    I do it two ways.
    My first way is to simply state “Y’all need to find someone else.”
    I don’t elaborate, either.
    The second way is colder.
    After gig commitments are completed, I don’t return calls.
    I don’t have the voicemail on my phone set up.
    I have only done this with two “artists” in a 44 year career.
    Works for me.
    Jakedog likes this.
  11. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Poster Extraordinaire

    Feb 3, 2017
    Foat Wuth, Texas
    I commend you for being loyal, and I in no way am suggesting that it's OK to not "take a band seriously", or "flake out" (like too many musicians do), but when circumstances change, as the OP relates, everyone has to exercise their right to set up limits. I just meant to say that a band is NOT on the same level of commitment as a marriage.
  12. netgear69

    netgear69 Tele-Afflicted

    Dec 21, 2012
    Don't burn your bridges you might miss it just say work commitments are getting in the way who can argue with that
    or you could go the Syd Barrett route and play what their not playing and get a honorable discharge
    Tootle and nojazzhere like this.
  13. Mid Life Crisis

    Mid Life Crisis Friend of Leo's

    Jan 12, 2007
    Cambridge, England
    Not sure what all the soul searching is about. You made this band what it is, so you don't owe them anything, and your reason for leaving is perfectly sound. It's not like you're having to tell a white lie to spare their feelings because you can't stand them or anything.

    Just tell them why you're leaving, offer to help through the transition period if need be, and leave with your head held high.
  14. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

    Nov 9, 2008
    I quit a band - that I'm now back in.

    I now really regret going back.

    I know if I had stayed out I would have eventually found a different group of people to play with by now.

    But, of course - everything I hated about it the first time is magnified.

    I can't quit again so my only hope is getting sacked.

    I'm working on it...

    (swampyankee - get out now while you can and never go back ! :eek: )
    Undone and nojazzhere like this.
  15. stringslinger

    stringslinger Tele-Holic

    Mar 22, 2011
    Nashville, TN
    Just be honest. Especially if you aren't getting that much enjoyment out of playing with them. It sounds like it to a degree.

    But to play Devil's Advocate (I hate that phrase), you mentioned the band does make some money? Could the busier gig schedule allow you to quit your part-time job instead? Would the money even out?

    If you do still enjoy playing with them, like someone else mentioned, just ask if you can be a once-a-month player?
  16. PCollen

    PCollen Tele-Afflicted

    May 7, 2010
    Man of the World

    If there are "50 ways to leave your lover", then there must be at least that many ways to bail on your band. Just slip out the back, Jack....
  17. jonrpick

    jonrpick Friend of Leo's

    Mar 17, 2014
    Marietta, GA
    I'm curious... why can't you quit now?
  18. 41144

    41144 Tele-Holic

    Sep 5, 2017
    West Midlands
    Surely Swampyankee you can cite the work/life balance argument?

    If you're working and they're not they're in a whole different place to yourself when it comes to a part-time/hobbyist band.
    Think you're right to see the keys player settled but you might as well warn them now about your intentions and if they're sniffy about it... Surely that's only a problem if any of the others are really close friends or relatives?
    Good luck...
  19. Tommyd55

    Tommyd55 Tele-Meister

    Sep 25, 2013
    Southern Missouri
    The other guys are "Retired" You are not.. They need to understand that.. If they can't, or don't, or won't, well that is their issue..
    Take care of your own life first..
  20. blackspider57

    blackspider57 Tele-Meister

    Mar 10, 2017
    Great Falls Montana
    Start playing out of tune. They will ask you to leave :)
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
No sex, drug, political, religion or hate discussion permitted here.