Current Corpspeak

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by blowtorch, Apr 8, 2019.

  1. bgmacaw

    bgmacaw Tele-Afflicted

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    Job titles have to match the corporate HR job descriptions so "Scrum Master" becomes "Project Lead" or "Project Manager", depending on the pay grade of the person.
     
  2. Chud

    Chud Poster Extraordinaire

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    If that's the case, I can't imagine how planning at your org would have been better pre-agile or no-agile.

    See, there you go. Agile in action. Sprint 1 MVP showed inefficient use of grammar resulting in extra keystrokes and coding. Sprint 2 MVP is hyphenated, reducing to 5 P's. :D:lol:;)
     
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  3. Luthier Vandros

    Luthier Vandros Tele-Meister Silver Supporter

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    I'm just waiting for "paradigm shift" to come back into circulation. I also want to crotch punch people that say, "value add".
     
  4. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Right now I'm on the "customer enablement" team. Guess what we do!
     
  5. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    "I'm just waiting for "paradigm shift" to come back into circulation. I also want to crotch punch people that say, "value add"."

    not gonna happen, those terms are from a few iterations back, everyone learned eventually that it's all BS so they just changed the words and phrases. As they do
     
  6. RLee77

    RLee77 Friend of Leo's

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    Yep, paradigm shift is very early 2000's... the proper term is now "pivot". As in, "After some initial play-testing of the game, we've decided to pivot the design based on user feedback."
     
  7. Dan R

    Dan R Friend of Leo's

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    This is a great thread. There is so much 'culture' in business now. As I mentioned before, a business tried to suggest that we were 'family'. I no longer work there, thankfully.

    Beware the business 'culture'. I know it is a must for many people, but I find it difficult.
     
  8. 65 Champ Amp

    65 Champ Amp Tele-Holic

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    So glad to be out of there. Thanks for reminding me of what I'm not missing.

    My favorite was one particular sales meeting in which my useless, backstabber sales manager was announcing the latest rethink, smart-sized, no-brainer program for us to sell our accounts so we didn't miss any low hanging fruit and leave any money on the table. He was going on and on as a long winded way of introducing the poor slob who was going to be "spearheading" the previously flopped, all new program, by reading off all of the great selling tools they had now thought to put in place. He wrapped it all up with, "And here's the biggest tool of all, John Xxxx". That moron didn't even realize what he'd said. He just stood there waiting for polite applause for John.

    There was a long silence which I broke with a loud belly laugh. Fortunately, after an awkward pause in which I thought I'd be looking for a new job, the rest of the room erupted.
     
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  9. 4pickupguy

    4pickupguy Poster Extraordinaire

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    11BF36B0-9629-45D7-864E-EE2E0CFFB7AC.jpeg Pivot
    Leverage
    Value Added
    (anything) Centric or centered:
    Customer Centric
    Value Centered
    Project Centered
    Toyota Centric
    Wholistic
    Bleeding Edge (WTF?)
    Ho Live
    Live Launch
    Crowd Source (group think)
    SMEs subject matter expert (people you have to ask questions you should know the answers to)
    Trip Wires
    Energy (as in “I have a lot of energy for this idea”)
    Low Hanging Fruit....
    De Minimis
    Wheelhouse
    Storming/Norming
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
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  10. arnie5150

    arnie5150 Tele-Meister

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    I was scrolling down looking for this one! The first time my regional manager said it I almost laughed out loud!
     
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  11. teletimetx

    teletimetx Poster Extraordinaire

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    for the most part, it's a sick joke on the general population and a crime against language. Somehow, I've survived 40 plus years of it and if I'm not damaged goods, it's only because I manage to sneak a little splash of whiskey into my coffee on the weekends.

    there's a foot-long split of pig iron on a window ledge in my office that could be put to better use, but that's a thought left best to mere apprehension and not cleft to action.

    my roller coaster has had it's share of mergers and "right sizing rationalizations" and corporate thugs flicking crumbs off the tabletop and here's how they describe that in press releases:

    “This transaction builds strength on strength,” said CruellaCorp Chairman and CEO Gary-Randy Whitebread. “The combination of Cinderella’s premier, high-quality assets with our advantaged portfolio strengthens our leading position in the (pickletron cave), builds on our {pick latest buzzword} capabilities and will grow our [industry acronym] business. It creates attractive growth opportunities in areas that play to Cruella’s operational strengths and underscores our commitment to short-cycle, higher-return investments.”

    “This transaction will unlock significant value for shareholders, generating anticipated annual run-rate synergies and will be accretive to free cash flow and earnings one year after close,” Whitebread concluded.

    “The strategic combination of Cruella and Cinderella will form a stronger and better company with world-class assets, people and opportunities,” said Cinderella’s Chairman and CEO Humbert Stumblewalker. “I have tremendous respect for Gary-Randy and their leadership team and believe Cruella’s strategy, scale and operational capabilities will further accelerate the value of Cinderella’s assets.”



    ...yeah, ok, run-rate synergy this...
     
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  12. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    "Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
     
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  13. unixfish

    unixfish Poster Extraordinaire

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    One of the buzz-words that I've only heard where I work is "calories". As in "Do you have any calories to do that?" or "Does your team have available calories to work on this?"

    Makes. Me. Crazy.

    Another one that I hate is "The Ask". As in "The ask is for us to produce a dashboard" or "What is the ask we are tasked with working on?" They treat ask as a noun.

    Makes. Me. Insane.

    I don't know why this affects me so much - but it's probably because the people that use these "saying" are worthless cretins / tools who are repeating corporate slag to sound important without actually committing to anything or accomplishing anything. You know the type - the one that speaks or says something inane in every meeting, just so everyone knows they are attending, but contributes nothing. There is a lot of this in IT, because lots of theater majors can string together buzzwords and sound bytes that sort of sound important - but mean nothing - and direct it at senior IT managers who have been out of technical work for so long that this drivel sounds good.
     
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  14. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    assigning "business value points" to everything.
    I give that process negative ten BVP
     
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  15. Blrfl

    Blrfl Tele-Meister

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    I think my reply to that would be "if that means you're buying lunch for the duration of the project, sure!"
     
  16. 4pickupguy

    4pickupguy Poster Extraordinaire

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    “Calories” is absolute BS. Everyone just got over “Bandwidth”..... I just want all the stupid acronyms back,...

    The other day I heard capacity described as “heat”, as in “ How much heat can we bring to bear on this task?”...

    I have noticed that the bigger the D-bag, the more of this Orwellian doublespeak they embrace. And when they are not starting every sentence in a meeting with “So,...” and ending every sentence with “..right?” they are tongue bathing the CEO... just aweful.
     
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  17. unixfish

    unixfish Poster Extraordinaire

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    Bingo!
     
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  18. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Have you noticed how it's become the new thing to, when asked a question, reply starting with “So,...” .

    It really kind of dismisses the fact that one is being asked a question, and plows headlong into a statement, in a rude-ish way. It smacks of arrogance, to me. I do appreciate that most folks give this no thought, they are just (subconciously?) parroting what they hear others do.

    Didn't used to be that way, that people did that "So..." thing, and it's become very common.

    Don't like it.

    Hate that I find myself doing it often, also.
     
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  19. chezdeluxe

    chezdeluxe Poster Extraordinaire

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    Are you guys at work?
     
  20. David Barnett

    David Barnett Doctor of Teleocity

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    So, Rip Van Winkle, did you just wake up after sleeping since 2014?

    Even the Atlantic articles complaining about this phenomenon are from 2015...
     
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