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Bar Jokes Only

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by gpasq, Dec 5, 2012.

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  1. gpasq

    gpasq Friend of Leo's

    Oct 15, 2011
    Littleton, CO
    Let's hear your favorite bar jokes!

    Here are a few of mine...

    A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed from head to toe in paper. His hat is a paper bag, his vest is paper, his chaps are paper. Pretty soon he's arrested for rustling.

    Two guys walk into a bar... which is kinda funny, 'cuz you'd think the second one would've ducked.

    A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

    Ba dump bump.

    Don't forget to tip your waitresses. I'll be here all week!
     
  2. cowboytwang

    cowboytwang Poster Extraordinaire

    Jul 28, 2003
    Sonoran Desert
    A drummer walks into a bar, the bass player ducked!
     
  3. kelnet

    kelnet Doctor of Teleocity

    Apr 17, 2008
    Port Moody, BC
    The bartender looks up one day as his door opens, and in comes a rabbi with a parrot on his head.

    "Where did you get that?" says the bartender.

    "Brooklyn," says the parrot. "The place is crawling with them."
     
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  5. Frodebro

    Frodebro Doctor of Teleocity

    Aug 17, 2012
    Seattle
    A Catholic and a Democrat walk into a ba[MOD EDIT]
     
  6. Ricky D.

    Ricky D. Poster Extraordinaire

    A skeleton walks into a bar.

    Bartender: "What'll you have?"

    Skeleton: " Give a beer and a mop."
     
  7. Brad Pittiful

    Brad Pittiful Doctor of Teleocity

    Dec 22, 2008
    Philly Burbs
    a horse walks into a bar

    the bartender asks

    why the long face?
     
  8. AndyLowry

    AndyLowry Friend of Leo's

    May 1, 2012
    Prescott AZ
    What kind of a duck do you think I am?
     
  9. w3stie

    w3stie Poster Extraordinaire

    Apr 19, 2010
    Brisbane
    A nose and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and the barman says "Right, the both of you, out now!" But why? says the nose. "Because you're off your face and your mate looks like he's ready to start something."
     
  10. String Tree

    String Tree Doctor of Teleocity

    Dec 8, 2010
    Up North
    Two Lead Guitar Players walk out of a Bar.

    It could happen!
     
  11. jondanger

    jondanger Friend of Leo's

    Jan 27, 2011
    Charm City, MD
    Socrates walks into a bar and sits down next to J Edgar Hoover. J Edgar says, "Hey pal, nice dress."
     
  12. jondanger

    jondanger Friend of Leo's

    Jan 27, 2011
    Charm City, MD
    Ha!
     
  13. Rich_S

    Rich_S Friend of Leo's

    Dec 29, 2006
    Potsdam, NY
    René Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he's finished it, the barman asks, "Would you like another?"

    Descartes replies, "I think not."

    And he disappears.
     
  14. elihu

    elihu Friend of Leo's

    Dec 24, 2009
    Texas
    A sandwich walks into a bar...

    Bartender: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

    A set of jumper cables walk into a bar...

    Bartender: "Now don't y'all be trying to start something."

    @ Rich...:lol:
     
  15. gpasq

    gpasq Friend of Leo's

    Oct 15, 2011
    Littleton, CO
    +1

    Thomas Edison walks into a bar looking angry and orders a stiff drink. Bartender says " OK, I'll serve you this one, but don't get any ideas."
     
  16. boneyguy

    boneyguy Doctor of Teleocity

    Age:
    58
    Mar 31, 2007
    victoria b.c. CANADA
    A guy sits down at the bar and starts sipping on a beer when he hears a small voice say "That's a really nice shirt you're wearing." He's the only person at the bar so he can't figure out who spoke. A couple minutes past and the same tiny voice says "You're a very handsome man you know." He's feeling a little concerned because he can't figure out who's talking to him. He calls the bartender over and describes what's been going on and the bartender says "Oh, that's just the peanuts in the bowl over there talking. They're complimentary."
     
  17. Lazerface

    Lazerface Tele-Holic

    502
    Aug 15, 2012
    Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

    The bartender says: "Why the long face?"
     
  18. dougmon

    dougmon Tele-Meister

    217
    Aug 12, 2012
    California
    I may have heard this one on this forum, but I don't recall:

    Guy walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder.

    Bartender says "Nice salamander. What's it's name?"

    Guy says "he's named Tiny."

    "Hmmm, Tiny," says the bartender. "Why do you call him that?"

    "Because," says the guy, "he's my newt."
     
  19. OtherTom

    OtherTom Tele-Afflicted

    Nov 5, 2010
    State College PA
    A kangaroo walks into a bar. The bartender says- Hey we don't get many kangaroos in here. The kangaroo says - At these prices I can see why.
     
  20. chesire

    chesire Tele-Afflicted

    Feb 17, 2010
    The Ol' Pueblo
    A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve ropes. Get out!"

    The rope goes outside and thinks, after a few moments he ties himself into big chunky knots to give himself shoulders and a head. Then he frays his top strands to look like he has hair.

    He goes back inside where the bartender eyes him suspiciously. The bartender glares and says "you a rope?"

    The rope looks at the bartender and says "fraid not"
     
  21. Frodebro

    Frodebro Doctor of Teleocity

    Aug 17, 2012
    Seattle
    Bob and Dave are sitting at the bar, nursing their beers. Dave notices that Bob is unusually quiet, and asks him if anything is wrong.

    "Well," replied Bob, "I stepped out on the porch this morning to get the newspaper, and noticed my daughter's boyfriends name written in the fresh snow in urine."

    "Ha!" Dave replied, "that's no big deal! Guys pee their names in the snow sometimes, it's all part of being a teenager!"

    "It was my daughter's handwriting."
     
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