ADD buddy/”project” update & venting...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Mike Eskimo, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Just need to spew a couple things out there not for anyone’s sake but mine.

    I have posted a couple of times about a friend who I decided to try and help as much as I could a while ago. He is 61 years old and on massive doses of Ritalin and two or three pots of coffee per day.

    First of all I’m definitely not magnanimous or generous or any of that crap because my open criticism of him - to his face and otherwise - has probably increased.

    He’s really not in a good way financially or otherwise. I don’t know the specifics but some source of funding (because of course he doesn’t work/hasn’t in the 10+ years I’ve known him) he had, has dried up .

    Also, there’s no question that there are other mental issues at play with him, but as I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist I couldn’t specifically say what they are but he writes a lot on tablets and his apartment isn’t cluttered but it is also not clean either.

    He doesn’t want the landlord snooping around too much so instead of somehow fixing the guts in his toilet tank, he has a bucket that he fills up from his bathtub to flush his toilet. Even though I have volunteered many times to spend the $16 on the Fluidmaster kit and redo it. Nope -“You just don’t understand man...”

    He actually said the other day that things have gotten so bad that he might have to go look for a job. I didn’t tell my wife that because she has a little patience for him and that would send her through the roof

    He’s driving his mom’s Lexus as she’s in a long term care facility. Just thought I’d throw that in there...:confused::mad:

    About a year ago I helped him find a cheap bolt neck Dearmond guitar with humbuckers on CL because the very cool Danelectro RI guitar I also found him “was too thin sounding”. I completely forgot about it until he started talking recently about finding an Epiphone Dot Studio as his Danelectro “was too thin-sounding” - and how much did I think he could get for his Dearmond with the humbuckers ?

    I was kind of taken aback. Wha ?

    The “crazy” capper was that when I asked him why the Dearmond wasn’t filling the humbuckers niche in his sound-quest he admitted that he had never plugged it in. So he really didn’t know how it sounded.

    In a year of owning it.

    Which might only seem kind of strange unless you consider that a month ago he called me up all in a panic and said that he had a Vox AC 10 - in the box - that he was trying to sell and he made it sound like a friend of his owned it but that if I knew somebody who wanted it for $300 that they should come over.

    When I asked who owned it he said that he did and that he had bought it in April 2018 but , since he didn’t know how solid his finances would be, he never took it out of the box. He always thought that he would have to return it , but then a month ago he said he was really strapped and even though I barely had the $300 on hand that week , I bought it from him anyway to help him out.

    Getting the phone calls from him this morning about the Dot quest kinda set me off.

    Plus, I only really get phone calls from him after noon or 1 o’clock as he doesn’t really get up until 11 or 12. And when I do get one early it’s usually some kind of emergency he needs help with .

    There it is - the saga continues. Small potatoes for some but I persevere trying to help and balance it with speaking to him firmly when he isn’t making good decisions.

    One decision I have made, is that I told him the last time that I lent him money, which was only $30, was that I would lend him money one more time - and if he wanted it to be that $30 - then that was fine.

    But that was it - no more loans.

    And he said, “do you mean that if I don’t take this $30 from you now that I possibly could borrow $100 from you after you get done with your current job or after you get paid? Because I might want to do that. Hmmm...”

    Do you see ..? :rolleyes:
     
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  2. D_W_PGH

    D_W_PGH Friend of Leo's

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    Massive doses of dopamine agonists make people do strange things (lots of ideas and completing none). Of course, if the guy actually feels better on massive doses of those he probably would have lots of ideas and little conversion completing anything, anyway.

    My dad's got a brother who couldn't organize a two car parade. He caught a pitchfork under the eye as a young child and suffered damage from it but is still functional. He can start a million things and complete zero - not even chance into finishing any of them.

    He also often needs $50 or $100 from dad to make ends meet at the end of the month, and less than stellar spending habits that get him to that point (but he's of limited enough means that he doesn't really get into too much trouble).

    From what I can tell, you're doing the right thing by shutting him off from your loans. If you're willing to give him something no strings attached and can detach yourself from whatever it is after you've given it, that's fine, but you're in the same spot as my dad often finds himself in. He'll loan his brother a couple of hundred bucks over a period of time, work harder than he needs to to collect it, take said brother to the food bank and then find out that he wasted $400 gambling a week earlier.

    I have attention issues, but not to that level (and don't take massive doses of dopamine agonists, but have taken low levels of them - they do make everything seem like a good idea), but have learned one thing: If a situation gets severe enough, people with attention disorders will be able to pay attention. I think you need to let him fail and get in some trouble so that he goes from scatter brained to problem solving - his situation isn't bad enough to garner his own attention.

    Or you can do like my dad and keep bouncing along in the wagon with him - it doesn't do my dad any favors, and it sounds like it's not doing you any favors. First step is when he's got a crisis after your "last loan", you don't budge no matter what. Second step for your own well being is to write off caring about anything you ever gave him or helped him with because he's going to do stupid stuff no matter what, and there's no reason you have to torture yourself by being disappointed in him.
     
  3. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Your second to last paragraph is very helpful/kinda what I needed to hear.
     
  4. D_W_PGH

    D_W_PGH Friend of Leo's

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    There is a characteristic of people who have attention problems - procrastinating on things that really don't garner it, and then intentionally manufacturing some chaos to "get in the groove". He'll find his groove. If he doesn't, you can't really teach him into acting like someone else.

    And self torture in your case (in terms of reacting to things) ... no need.
     
  5. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    I get the ADD thing . It was my friend who made me aware that mine on a bad day is at about a 40 on a scale of 100 where he hovers at about a 160 on a good day.
     
  6. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    You like to suffer don't you?
     
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  7. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    We had a wacko member of the family who is no longer living in the area who would call people up and try to wheedle money and favors from everyone in the family. One day my son and daughter in law were over at the house, and Miss Annoyance called on our house phone. I picked it up, and as soon as she started talking I hung up. My son asked who was that? I told him and he said, it can't be that simple, that woman calls my wife and holds her on the phone for hours. I said yes it is. I told him it takes two to carry on a conversation, if you don't want to talk to someone just hang up. If you don't want to see someone in person do the same. This same woman showed up at my house after we had just moved into a new place. She said I'd love to see your new house, and I said, well you're not going to. That was the last time she came by. You can't stop dealing with people you don't want to without hurting their feelings, but is sure feels good when you don't have to deal with them anymore.
     
  8. awasson

    awasson Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    I used to be susceptible to falling in with folks like your friend. I’ve been quite independent since I was about 19 or 20 years old but from time to time I’d befriend someone like the fellow you’ve described, who just can’t seem to get things right and it can be an emotional and financial drain. The kicker is when they seem to think I’ve got it so good, what with my working my tail off and getting paid for doing so or the house that I bought and then spent time and money fixing up... or paying taxes and having adult responsibilities.

    I’ve become pretty good at identifying these folks and not becoming entangled with them. It annoys me to no end seeing someone provided with lots of opportunity and squandering it or just doing the exact opposite of the right decision.
     
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  9. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I had another "old buddy" who pressured me into letting him have a 56 D-18 Martin many years ago for 50 bucks. He used our friendship as leverage to get me to let him have the guitar. After hanging it on a wall, which I advised him against, and having had it fall, and crunch the lower bout he had a poor repair job done on it. One day he calls up and says to me, hey old buddy old pal, I'll let you have that Martin back for 300 bucks today only. I hung up the phone and that was that, I was done with old buddy old pal.
     
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  10. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Act of “charity”. I guess.

    I said to my wife “Well, what if he’s the big J ?” (whatever you do for the least of my brothers you do for me...)

    My wife replied “I could see him both being the big J and the the big D. That makes sense...” :lol::lol::lol:
     
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  11. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I know it sounds a little crass, but I shop my friends at least as well as I would buying a guitar. You meet a lot of people in this world, it's just as easy to pick good friends as it those with a perpetual wing down. I have recently, and reluctantly cut yet another old buddy from my herd. I have spent countless money and time on helping him, and even his kin. One day he called and I asked him for a simple favor, he replied he just didn't feel like doing it. From that day on, that was the end of my helping him. I think he's starting to get the idea, when he calls wanting something now, I just say, sorry I'm busy can't help you. Only the length of time, we've been "buddies" keeps me from just telling him how it is. He's pretty much quit calling and asking for things now, so I think he probably got the message.
     
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  12. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Yeah he lays that whole “it’s easy for you because you don’t have to worry about where your next meal comes from” .

    I just always tell him “well, I gotta let you go, I gotta head off to work...”

     
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  13. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    To get ritalin scrips you have to be in a Docs care.
    He needs a new Doc!

    Maybe a family friend Doc has been "helping him out" by providing the scrips without requiring Doc visits? Drives a car that belongs to an institutionalized elder?
    Is the car registered and insured? Does he have a valid drivers license?

    Could be your help is preventing some other intervention which might get him some sort of help that could get him out of this rut.
    AKA enabling.
    It's hard to stop enabling because you don't know what might happen to the person without your help. But you do know at this point that you can't fix 'em!
     
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  14. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Well, the first step in me not enabling anymore is the cutting off of any borrowed funds.

    Ever again.

    Then again I promised he could get in free with my band to a charity show we play each year. My band mates all know him and like him but they’re starting to get the gist of his deal.

    His biggest outward flaw to those who only know him in passing ?


    He can’t shut up. If you open the door to any subject - even one where folks expect a one or two word courtesy response ?


    He’s off to the races . Social cues and expectations and norms escape him. He goes on and on and, if he thinks you’re gonna bail or try to wrap up ? He talks louder and more rapidly to get it all in. :eek:

    I’m getting tired of it all.


    A 55 yr old me can’t be a dad or big brother to 61 yr old him.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2019
  15. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    You know what you gotta do, just do it. In no time at all, you will feel better, who knows, he might even feel better. I had a buddy who would get trapped into situations when he was only a teenager. Finally his dad told him, here is what you tell old so and so when he wants you to do something. "My daddy told me I can't get involved with you anymore because you're crazy, and you talk funny." When he followed his dad's advice, that was the end of old so and so. The kid felt so good that advice became his auto response to those who would try and latch onto him for favors. He did well in life.
     
  16. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    This tale reminds me of that reality TV show: "Hoarders, buried alive".

    Basically they have a bunch of people getting mad at a mentally ill person and trying to argue/ yell/ plead/ cajole and bargain them into sanity.
     
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  17. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    The way I feel about All OF THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE IS:

    Go pedal crazy somewhere else, we're all full up around here!
     
  18. Mid Life Crisis

    Mid Life Crisis Friend of Leo's

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    It sounds to me like you haven't helped the situation by a) buying that Vox amp from him and b) explaining the loan thing the way you did. You're normalising his behaviour for him and each time, he's going to push the boundary a little bit further.
     
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  19. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Every time you help someone with a wing down, the IMMEDIATELY put the other down.
     
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  20. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Nah - my first cousin that was raised as my sister after her mom took her life is bipolar/schizophrenic and has tried to kill herself once (she burnt down her and her husbands 4,000 sq ft house).

    I’m well aware that when I’m talking to her , I’m talking to an illness - “she” left long ago.

    My ADD buddy ? Half of him is just plain lazy.

    Plenty of extremely accomplished folks dealing with afflictions way worse than his.

    All that being said - I think anything positive/active I can do has already been done.

    He is/was a friend. Interesting, funny.

    The lazy/leech/persecuted side of him is just way too prominent these days.
     
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