Soliciting Criticism on a song I just wrote "Plank"

[popthree]

i would have posted this on twanger central, but i really want to get opinions specifically from people of faith, so i brought it here. i just wrote this song yesterday. if you wouldn't mind listening and giving me some constructive criticism i would appreciate it. i am aware that the recording is not top notch, and my playing is not that of a session musician. i'm more of a song writer, and this is a 'fleshing out' for a possible future recording. any and all honest feedback is welcome, and very much, appreciated.

thank you

plank

here are the lyrics. they are also on the soundclick site.

how does it feel, when i look away
how does it feel, when i do it every day
don't You know, its true, its true, that i still love You
don't You know, i want to do, what You want me to do?

its so easy just to hate my fellow man
and its hard to think that You would take me as i am
so i ask my God do only this i pray
get the plank out of my eye

i look at the preachers....on the tv
asking for money.... that they don't even need
don't they know You've already paid, when its all said and done
do they ask You every day, if its ok lie

sometimes i feel, You've got something to say
if my ears could here it, i'd just run away
i've got to say, dear God, You scare me, its hard to let go
i've got to pray, dear God, please tell me, what I already know

[ravindave_3600]

Originally Posted by popthree

sometimes i feel, You've got something to say
if my ears could here it, i'd just run away
i've got to say, dear God, You scare me, its hard to let go
i've got to pray, dear God, please tell me, what I already know

I like that last verse, it seems really honest. We all "want" to know God, but really doing so can be terrifying!

OK, guys, everyone else into the pool!

[Nub]

Nicely done, Popthree; it reminded me of the old Malcolm & Allwyn stuff, and the message is a good one.

I think, though, that the second verse about the tv preachers doesn't really fit the rest of the song; you start & end the song from a personal perspective (of self-examination), and I think the middle should do that, too, to maintain the continuity of the message.

Also, be careful to observe the "meter" of the song; trying to fit too many words into a line can throw off the rhythm of the song, and make it hard for others to sing (or sing along to).

A good message and tasteful playing... I give it two thumbs up! :)

[popthree]

thanks for the feedback, Ravine & Nub. much appreciated.

on the 2nd verse, i was trying to provide an example of someone i'm guilty of judging...those tv preachers. i guess if i want to keep that concept, i need to figure out how to make it more clear.

thanks again both of you.

[TheViking]

we need more lyrics like that.
Understandable to anyone without needing the "Christian" Rosetta Stone. Far too many Christian lyrics demand that the listener knows all the Christian symbols, figures of speech and so on.