How to play EG in church (humorous content)

[Jeff_K]

Apologies if this has already found its way here, but I got this today and it would be SO funny if it weren't so very true...
===================================

TURN IT DOWN: How to Play Electric Guitar in Church

So you play guitar and you want to play in the worship band, eh? Sounds good, but there are a few guidelines you’ll need to keep in mind.

1. Learn to play guitar in the 1990s. I guess you don’t HAVE to do this, but it helps. If you learn to play in any other decade, you’ll be exposed to all the cool things that the guitar can do, and will be eternally frustrated each week. Spend your time listening to Matchbox 20, Third Eye Blind, and Nirvana and then you’ll never be disappointed.

2. Under no circumstances should you listen to any guitar playing from the 1980’s except for U2. Van Halen does not exist, nor do any of those other ‘guitar wankers’. The only player that matters is the Edge. Learn how to make complete songs out of 8 notes and a delay pedal, and you’re golden. Get used to this.

3. Once you have assimilated all the 90’s rock bands, throw them out. Now you will listen only to current worship music. Secular bands have an intensity and energy to them that cannot possibly be used for anything other than rebellious sexual energy. It’s best not to think about it. Focus only on what KLove plays.

4. Develop muscle memory. This is a tricky one. The goal here is to learn to play without actually hearing yourself. Practice your chords and your delay lines enough so that you can play physically without needing to be heard musically.

5. Get a capo. What’s that you say? Real electric players don’t use capos? Yes that’s true most of the time, because electric guitars don’t lend themselves to capos like acoustics do. However, you’ll be treating your Les Paul/Strat/Schecter as if it is an acoustic, so it’s ok. The alternative to using a capo is learning to transpose and play in different keys. This is not wise, however, because in learning the necessary music theory you’ll expose yourself to other musical possibilities, and that leads down a dangerous road. See rule #2.

6. Don’t be sexy. Everyone knows that electric guitar music is the most overtly sexual music there is, and there’s no place for that in church. Don’t play anything that sounds like ZZ Top or Def Leppard. Those are stripper bands. Never mind that those groovy bass lines the bassist is pumping out are probably much sexier than any you’d be allowed to play, or that the sultry emotive singing by your average female worship leader (usually always the pretty ones) is significantly more distracting that playing a rocking riff or sweet little solo.

7. Don’t play solos or think about wanting to play solos. I know you’re thinking, “But wait! I can make this fit tastefully and really enhance the song!” No, you can’t. Everyone knows that there are two kinds of solos. You have the overindulgent guitar wankery of ‘Freebird’, and then there’s the solo** in ‘Free Fallin’. There is no middle ground. Every guitar solo no matter the length, breadth, or depth, is the equivalent of ‘Freebird’. And we all know that those kinds of solos are the musical metaphors for something that rhymes with ‘Pastor Nation’. Besides, who told you about the existence of tasteful solos? You’re supposed to be limiting your diet to 90’s rock and worship music.
**There’s a solo in ‘Free Fallin’? Oh right it’s a 4 bar break where he plays the same chords but louder.

8. If you absolutely must listen to musically adventurous groups, check out some of the more modern gospel stuff like Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir and the like. This kind of music is church approved despite its complexity and key changes, but also conveniently features next to no electric guitar, so you’re off the hook from having to learn anything new.

9. Get a POD. Real amps are for secular bands. Those guitar players who claim to want ‘good tone’ and need a certain volume level to get it are just selfishly making excuses because they secretly want to be the loudest person in the band. You should be able to get adequate sound for your 3 chords with a $200 amp simulator using headphones. Anything more than that and you risk drawing attention to yourself. I mean logically, if you are on stage with a real working amplifier that makes a pleasing sweet overdrive, how then will the soundman be able to mute you? By using actual stage volume, you run the risk of being heard by the congregation, and that’s dangerous territory. Really you’re onstage so that visually you balance out the bass player on the opposite side of the stage.

10. Learn to Read Music. I’m not talking about actual sheet music, of course. I’m talking about a printout with the chords on it. You want to appear prepared, but not so much that you actually memorized anything. Doing so will make the people who are using printed music feel bad. Also, having a big black music stand in front of you provides a nice visual barrier between you and the congregation.

11. Have a prayer song ready. Usually at the end of a service, there will be a prayer that will need music under it, in which someone will need to make up an innocuous bed of music off the top of their head to help people pray. This usually falls to the worship leader playing an acoustic guitar, or if he is suddenly killed, the piano player, who might suffer acute carpal tunnel syndrome. Much like becoming the President after a mass-assassination, the honor will fall to you to play under the prayer. Keep it simple. Make absolutely sure that you make it up on the spot. Prayer is no time for composed music.

12. “Wait, hold Up-lets go back to #7…What about Journey?” What about Journey? They are a nice middle of the road secular rock band that is ok to like because the vocals are slightly girly and they never rock TOO hard. Just make sure to cover your ears during the guitar parts. Those are the only things about Journey that worship music as a genre hasn’t stolen.

13. Don’t make friends with the drummer. If you do this, you run the risk of developing a rapport. When two musicians have rapport, they start to play off of one another and want to try new things. This is bad because it shifts control of the music away from the leadership team and into the hands of musicians, who are notoriously bad about wanting to play their instruments. When that occurs, jams happen and that’s bad. Why is it bad? Because Chris Tomlin doesn’t jam, and neither should you.

14. Don’t be distracting. Worshipers in a congregation are easily distracted from their worship. We know this because that is the reason always given for why electric players shouldn’t do X or Y. “We don’t want to distract people from the worship experience”. Now to avoid confusion, here is a list of things that apparently are NOT distracting, given that they are allowed to happen all the time at churches all over:

1. Out of tune acoustic guitars.
2. Waiting for the out of tune acoustic guitar to be tuned.
3. Loud horn players (usually much louder than guitar or drums based on SPL).
4. Fancy animated graphics behind the lyrics on the screen.
5. Male worship leaders wearing shorts and flip-flops.
6. Female worship leaders wearing outfits significantly less conservative than shorts or flip-flops.
7. Violin solos.
8. Saxophone solos.
9. Elaborate vocal melismas clearly not intended to be sung-along-with.
10. Speakers who always have their first word cut off because the sound man fell asleep and forgot to un-mute the mic in time.
11. SUPER. LOUD. AWESOME. VIDEO. BUMPER! That someone made in Final Cut Pro during the week that when played before the sermon is louder than the worship band that just finished playing.

Now here is a list of things that ARE distracting:

1. Electric guitars that are any of the following:
A) playing more than 3 chords
B) playing any sort of lead line
C) audible

Conclusion
Well there you have it. Follow these basic guidelines and you'll be well on your way to being the best worship guitarist around. You'll never have personal conflicts with anyone, youll never distract anyone with your playing, and you'll also never add anything to the music, and people will look at you and say 'wow how average. I guess that's how these Christians view the world'

[DADGAD]

Oh, how I hate screechy, out of tune violin solos! It sounds like a cat being flayed alive. If they made violins with frets, I'd buy one for our violinist.

I guess I should quit the WT. I've been playing rock an roll guitar since 1963 and I read music charts. Yes, I am forced to do the U2 thing a lot but sometimes get the chance to play Jimmy Page, too.

Amen to muscle memory, capos & female worship leaders!

[Parma_TeleMon]

Uh, too true to be funny. WAY too true to be funny. Forwarding it to all my friends (over 40) who play guitar and serve on worship teams. Hehhehheh. And all the 20-somethings who play on our teams, too. Hehhehheh.

[Saxguitar]

Wow looks like i've been doing it all wrong for the past five years, better go hang up my telecaster and stick to the sax since it is not seen as distracting (obviously they have never heard me play) I better run to the closest place possible to buy a cheap acoustic and play straight out of the box.

Seriously I have found most of these points to be true. I am going to print these out and tape them to the black barrier between me and the congregation to remind me to play within the guidelines. Thanks for sharing this, my PT leader got a kick out of it.

[Detman101]

Wow, I feel like I'm right in church reading this.
*Rolleyes*<buncha sticks in the mud....>

Yeesh....


Dm

[guitarzan13]

Originally Posted by Saxguitar

I am going to print these out and tape them to the black barrier between me and the congregation...

All I can say is Wow..... I am VERY blessed to serve where I am. Lots of cool guitar parts....We do a LOT of Hillsong stuff. I even get a solo here and there.

[gotammo]

...cause it's true. I can say that because I do half these things! Ha!

Good conversation starter. I think that the one I need to get over is the music stand. I really don't like using them, but I've trained myself to need them. It really is only four chords for crying out loud. Plus two versus and a chorus. Oh and a bridge, can't forget that!

All in jest though. Playing worship is fun, but it's good to go out and see musicians play in other venues to see what's different.

Nate

[scooteraz]

Love the OP. Will share with my worship leader, she will think it is funny as well. I'm sure the next time she tells me she needs less guitar in a particular piece, she will remind me of the rules.

In reality, she is quite good at letting each of the instruments and the vocals shine at various parts of services. I can't complain (though that doesn't stop me on occasion...)

[DickensCPA]

I wanted to laugh so bad, I really did. It just smacked me too hard in the face with reality.

I find it amazing that thousands of P&W guitarists go thru the exact same thing at basically the same time each week.

Unfortunately #'s 1,2,4,5,7,9,10 and 11 were on spot. I still can't understand why after playing basically the same songs over and over we still need the big black music stands.

[DMRoller]

This was great stuff. Way too true in a lot of cases. LOL right at work.

Sent it to my P&W co-director who is an art teacher. He read it while the students were working on projects and he laughed out loud and got that "What's wrong with you?" look from his students.

Thanks for posting.
Dale

[voided3]

I pulled it off by playing my Strat XII twelve string straight into my amp clean for a service or two. It sounds acoustic/folky enough on the neck+middle position.

[david_lewis93]

try having some non country style songs with a country style song leader.......thats fun to transpose to.No comlpaints it kills the wonder time between songs.

[mrSlush50]

i don't use the music stand. came in one Sunday a while back and realized I just didn't need it. Of course the considerate sound guys had already set it up for me. Everyone looked at me like I was nuts when I walked up, folded the stand away and placed it behind the curtain.

"Don't you need your music?"

"What for? I know all the songs."

"But... don't you need your music?"

As much as a lot of this rings so very true, I have to say that I actually have it pretty good. My worship leader has even started leaning on the pastoral staff to start using actual real life honest to goodness amplifiers. Oh and last Sunday we actually placed the drums in the middle of the stage! (Is it just me or do p&w drummers have it even worse than we do?)

[Rich_S]

Originally Posted by mrSlush50

"Don't you need your music?"

"What for? I know all the songs."

"But... don't you need your music?"

You'll need your music when the leader remembers 20 minutes before the service starts that she learned the song in a different key than the lead sheets she handed out last week, and everybody has to scribble in the new chords with a shared pencil at the last minute.

[guitarzan13]

Originally Posted by Rich_S

You'll need your music when the leader remembers 20 minutes before the service starts tha she learned the song in a different key than the lead sheets she handed out last week, and everybody has to scribble in the new chords with a shared pencil at the last minute.

Or the guy that is supposed to sing is sick and it has to be moved to a chick key at the last second!

[RockManDan]

just found this post via google, and as the original writer of the OP, let me say I am very glad you guys are enjoying it. Im glad people are seeing this for humors sake and that Im not just trying to be snarky. I have been worshipping through music for years and I consider it a great privelidge and an honor to lead God's people to worship through song. However, if we cant make fun of ourselves then where did our sense of humor go? Glad to see people are taking it too seriously, and Im even more glad to hear that a lot of you guys are serving in churches where you dont have these problems. Thats encouraging. This blog has found its way around the internet a little ways and its almost disheartening to hear choruses of people say 'oh man...too funny and too true' so its good to hear that some people have it good. I actually usually play the drums at church, and Im very happy where I am at and consider my worship team to be great friends, but we as musicians naturally gravitate towards certain styles that we like, and no two people share the same tastes. Whats humorous is how worship as a genre has appropriated certain types of playing from various genres and totally eschews other types.

good discussion, people.
-Dan

[Parma_TeleMon]

RockManDan - outstanding essay, my friend!! I sent it out to the other guitar players on our teams (all younger than you, BTW) and a couple of other friends who play and/or lead worship. Got the same response from them.

[Parma_TeleMon]

Originally Posted by RockManDan

Whats humorous is how worship as a genre has appropriated certain types of playing from various genres and totally eschews other types.

Yeah, and I'm still waiting for the rebirth of '80s metal worship. Yeah, baby!!

[dantonel]

Ok... so let me set the record strait (for my church at least)

I play either a Tele or PRS through some boutique (and some not so boutique) pedals into either a Marshall or Fender Deluxe Reverb. We eliminated the Stands by utilizing a pre installed rear projector and having someone run mediashout (with chords) on it. Our Lead Electric guitarist (thats right, there's 2 of us EG's) has free reign of solo's (Cause that's what Lincoln Brewster and David Crowder, and Hillsong, and all of the other great World would do)

Also, You can squash the rumor of "no Secular bands in church" Our version of Friend of God starts out with the Intro from Jump by Van Halen. Also, we've played Shine by collective soul and plan on playing Trans-Syberian orchestra's "Christmas Eve" carrol of the bells.

And Lastly, I'm friends with the Drummer and man does he wail!!!!!!!!

Just thought you all should know that not all churches are "Stuffy" Some Rock!

[Alex Vik]

Haha, this is so true. Especially the part about the out of tune guitars. I listened to a recording of last Sunday's performance, and it was good that you couldn't hear the guitar live.

[telechucker]

Great stuff ! Some of that is so close it hurts ! Hee hee. On my way to Church, to play, have printed out the op - got a few guys I can share this with. There'll be chuckles aplenty for sure. Thanks for posting ! Regards.

[hayseedtele]

However, after I had been playing a while for the youth group at my church they hired a full time sound tech. Everything was stripped down. No female backup singers, a decent drum shield with mic'd drums, The other guitarist and I got to use our AC30s and the bassist ran an SVT Blueline and an 8X10. I stopped going to that service and came back in the past week to find out that the sound guy got a better position at a different church. Now theres 2 keyboardists 2 acoustic guitarists 2 electric guitarists all four of them play rhythm the bass goes direct in and 4 female back up vocalists share a riser.
Ridiculous.

The worship service used to be tasteful, professional, and pretty rocking.
I don't know what it is now maybe a wonderful example of what the OP is talking about.

[Joefaity]

wow... whoever wrote this must think like me :D

[grahams98]

so what you're saying is that lead guitar isn't really a dead art? wow I really need to get out more often.