oh what the heck

[popthree]

http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/song_2573850

i typically get my feelings bruised here due to silence.. silence i assume is a result of the music being raw, an absence of impressive guitar licks and its not the typical 'country' genre. anyway.. i love it.

You have a very funny face
Such a very funny face
My sides are splitting from the pain
Enough to drive a man insane

You have a very funny face
Lined with a grief a soul can trace
Grief so deep and awe inspired
Fear wound tight the bomb is wired
Great crooked nose, gift of pain
Flowing, dragging bridal train
Bruised lips pursing tightly closed
Dam holds back your stains of prose
You have a very funny face

You have a very funny face
Such a very funny face
My sides are splitting from the pain
Enough to drive a man insane
You have a very funny face

You have a very funny face
A sunken grief, it fills this place
Tainted by your minds contempt
Blessed suicide attempt
You have a very funny face

You have a very funny face
The lines a grievous fool will race
Sinister thought lurks despair
Concrete eyes lock hazy stare
Chalky toothy smile beheld
A stirring gift the torches weld
You have a very, such a very, funny face

Sloping head and dropped chin
Horror once contained within
Pouring now an awful rage
The beast is freed an open cage
Rage that holds the dogs at bay
Trembling now the mighty sway
Think of all the war we wage
Just think of all the war we wage

You have a very funny face

[Mojohand40]

I kind of like some of the Dark imagery in this and some of your other stuff ("Don't draw me a line, paint me a Picture"? I think that's what another of yours is called..)
I think this one's sparseness is interesting, but just for awhile. It needs something more to come in and out of it, or else maybe tighten it up a bit.
I'm really not trying to be negative, just trying to give a little constructive crit.
Anyway, keep posting your stuff.
I'm pretty sure I've listened to everything you've posted so far.



-

[popthree]

it runs on a bit long eh? i wrote those words then just started playing the guitar and plugging them in.. that recording is the birth of the song. i was surprised when i realized it was over 7 minutes. thanks for listening mojo

[popthree]

i made a little slide show to accompany this song.. i think it makes it more enjoyable.. and makes the length of it tolerable. its on my reverbnation page which you can get to from the above link.

[getbent]

This song reminds me of an art class I was in once. I'm not a gifted artist by any measure, but the point of the class was 'art for people who don't think they can do art'...

It was a weekend deal. Anyway... with a little instruction, I was drawing! 1, 2, 3, 4 drawings in like, an hour! the teacher was pleased with my pleasure... but looked at the pictures and said, 'you aren't done.'

I was so happy that what I was doing looked like what I wanted it to look like, that I wanted to stop before I ruined it.... with some help, (she kind of collaborated with me) it turned into this amazing thing that was better than anything I imagined. But, I spent pretty much the whole weekend on 2 of the pictures.

This song has TONS of possibilities... you have a very cool voice and in several places I can really hear its character. There are several places where you capture the guitar part and it is distinct and singular and carries the emotion you intend.

You are a very good and rich writer... lots of amazing elements here... but, what I think is lacking is the craft part. You've got the art part in spades...

In several places (and key places at that) you lose the melody and really at no point do I hear you define the melody. One rule I have with songs is that I have to be able to clearly whistle the melody... once you have that melody figured out and you've determined how to work with it... then you have the whole harmony or what I call the "implied harmony" which is to say.. if someone sang along with your song in the car... what harmony part might they sing? it doesn't have to end up in the final version... but, it should be implied... because by implying it.. you are clearly demonstrating that you have a well defined melody.... and for me, melody makes songs.

When I listen to the stuff Cash was doing with Rick Rubin (I have that right, I think) it is very sparse and yet... all the empty spaces in hurt are implied the way love is to a lonely man.... the silence screams it....

I think you are really close to having a workflow that could net you a crazy good album.... but, I think your attention needs to go to the details and to the melody... that may be something that you can do or it may mean that you need to find a collaborator to prime the pump or help work those parts out....

Tom Petty has always been a good songwriter... but after his time with Dylan.... he became a great songwriter... by great, I don't mean that he has written a song better than, say, "American Girl" but, he is great now because I think he can sit down almost any time and craft and create a really really good song (much like Dylan) and do it because he has learned the craft....

I dig your stuff and want to hear more... I think your ceiling is as high as you are willing to scale it.... but that is just my opinion... if you post'em, I'll listen to them.

[popthree]

Originally Posted by getbent

I think your attention needs to go to the details and to the melody... that may be something that you can do or it may mean that you need to find a collaborator to prime the pump or help work those parts out....

i'm impatient...undisciplined.

i need someone to control me....make me finish....there is no one.

thank you for taking the time to write all that.

[getbent]

p3, I say go find someone... I think you put up a craigslist ad and say, "I'm a songwriter who needs a cowriter/editor to keep me on task."

I'll bet you find 3-4 people interested and one person who gets it enough that you can get there.... you have too much talent to let it go without its full flower...

[popthree]

do i post this ad on my local craigslist ?

[getbent]

yeah. I think there are a bunch of folks in your area who want to write and record songs... you have a bunch to offer... I'll bet there are a bunch of folks looking for lyrics, guitar, voice etc.. that you have... and I'll bet once you are in an organized/structured setting... you'll actually be the 'doer'.....

you'll get some folks who may not be useful... but, it is worth the hunt if you ask me.

[popthree]

well.. i posted a CL ad. i used your wording almost exactly. :-> we'll see what happens.. so far i've only had a couple of responses.. all people wanting to sell me studio time.

[therecordfable]

I like this keep adding to it maybe a lightly chorus/flanged electric with some simple backing vox.

[popthree]

my idea for adding to it involves a total redo.. this time with a click track... then s l o w l y building a drum pulse , from nothing at first, then a very subtle light brushes thing, to finally a sparse, low in the mix, deep, hollow throb @ the end

[Strat62]

"i typically get my feelings bruised here due to silence.. " I know how you feel; I try not to let it bother me. I wish I could write lyrics as well as you; that's some really nice stuff.

[popthree]

Originally Posted by Strat62

"i typically get my feelings bruised here due to silence.. " I know how you feel; I try not to let it bother me. I wish I could write lyrics as well as you; that's some really nice stuff.

hey thanks for saying.. i'd be open to collaborating with people here.. if you got the riff/idea and it speaks to me.. i'd give it a shot.

[Coop47]

Hi P3 -

Just with the sentence "I typically get my feelings bruised here due to silence", it's clear you're a writer to be reckoned with. In ten words, you made me uncomfortable enough to clink on a link, and then compelled to comment on it. That's usually tough to do unless one of those words is "free" and another is "guitar".

I can't suggest too much more than what's already been offered. I think editing would greatly enhance the power of your song. There are so many powerful images there that it distracts from the overall story. I also like the idea of the click track and the touches you already have in mind.

It's funny that you say that you're "undisciplined", because I immediately noticed how disciplined your playing is. Charlie Watts (I think) once said that playing the fast stuff was easy, but that keeping it together for the truly slow songs was murder.

There's a lot of good stuff there to work with. It's not entirely to my taste, but that really is just a matter of individual taste. There's undeniable skill and talent there. Best of luck.