Make up a lie about the poster above you!

[spikypaddy]

The sunlight, streaming through the open doorway, framed Chez's outline. He walked in slowly, deliberately.

TGFM's heart beat harder in his breast as Chez uttered the words Mike had been desperately wanting to hear. "I have something for you."




"This month's copy of Guitar World magazine. There's an interview with with Cherry Gantrell - Manatee In Chains lead guitarist."

[tgfmike]

'I've often asked myself the same question,' said a Gin and Italian Vermouth. 'Where, I've often asked myself, are the great handmade teles of our boyhood? I've got a photograph of my grandfather as a young man in the album at home, and he's just a pair of eyes staring over a beautiful butterscotch blonde blackguard.'

'Special picks they used to have,' said the Small Bass, 'to get all the twang from those special teles. Ah, well, those days are gone for ever.'

spiky shook his head.

'Not entirely,' he said, stirring his Hot Scotch and Lemon. 'I admit that they are rarer than they used to be, but in the remoter rural districts you will still find some of these vintage teles moldering away in a closet. What causes them to survive is partly boredom and partly the good, clean spirit of amateur sport which has made us Englishmen what we are.'

The Small Bass said he did not quite get that.

'What I mean,' said spiky, 'is that life has not much to offer in the way of excitement to men who are buried in the country all the year round, so for want of anything better to do they collect and exchange vintage teles.'

[telleutelleme]

TGFM and The Case of the Missing Brine

As TGFM sat at his desk, not only wondering about the next meal but about the next months rent, the door opened. He'd seen a lot of Dames before, but this one was different. Usually they wanted him to get photos of their husband cheating, or make sure their kid wasn't going to marry that tramp down at the East End. Always the same, always boring, even for an ex Flat Foot turned Private Dick. However, just the act of opening the door clued him that this would be a different kind of case.

Her eyes were dark and slightly almond shaped, here eylashes were the longest he had ever seen. The water dripping off her elongated nose was all the more alluring. As she slithered in, he couldn't help but notice the curves, the angle of her fins and that long tail, Oh that tail. TGFM was entranced and couldn't wait to discuss the case. He knew this would be different, more different than anything he had ever undertaken. He struggled with keeping a professional attitude towards this, their first meeting. He knew it would not be the last. She opened her mouth and TGFM excitiedly waited.

Suddenly the Humane Society broke in and he knew this was going to much more complicated.

[redstringuitar]

The Humane Society team was led by tutm, who, having dropped an e, shrugged his shoulders and said "ah well, he's only human...I love the guy!"

[jim_pridx]

Meanwhile, armed with three cameras and a camcorder, RSG, the star reporter for Freak Babes Unlimited, came stomping into Mike's man cave and began shooting photos and videos as quickly as he possibly could. He had been following this goddess for years but has never been able to photograph her, let alone be within walking distance. Both Mike and TUTM were absolutely flabbergasted by what they were experiencing.

[Esaaal]

Both Mike and TUTM were absolutely flabbergasted by what they were experiencing

That was true, but none was more shocked by this than Jim P, who remained hiddden behind a beaded curtain. His hand was clamped over the mouth of his trusted sidekick "Hugh" the Albino Manatee. Hugh had a tendency to shriek at the slightlest provocation and Jim P. knew it.

"I think I need my stomach pumped" mummered Hugh. "Not now!" said Jim, "besides, you probably just had to many krill for lunch".

"This doesn't taste like krill" replied Hugh. Jim suddenly felt a wave of digust wash over him.

Meanwhile, RSG began ransacking the mancave in search of evidence..

[tgfmike]

Esaaal thoughtfully invited Mike to lunch so he could get away from the mayhem in his man cave. The plan was to meet in Denver the next day. As Esaaal boarded the westbound train (he refuses to fly and buses make him nauseous), he realized he had forgotten his tele. Then he grinned and went to his seat. What a great excuse for buying that Fender Standard Telecaster FSR Ash Electric Guitar With Vintage Noiseless Pickups he had had his eye on at the Denver Guitar Center. Contentedly, Esaaal sat back and open his copy of Red String's Manatee Encyclopedia and Care Guide.

[Esaaal]

as I thumbed through the RSME&CG I thought about my upcoming meeting with Tgfm. Sure, there were going to be plenty of Stoli Martinis, but after that,.what?

Perhaps Mike would want want to play "Rawhide" on Telecasters like he said he wanted to. Mike had recently learned the G and C chords and was probably counting on me to teach him D. "Fat Chance" I barely said under my breath. "How could a millionaire genius like Tgfm, with a collection of vintage guitars like his never learn the D chord?"

My sanity was starting to unravel. In Denver, Tgfm's sanity was long gone...

[telleutelleme]

Having made bail, TGFM went cross-town to meet with his sleezeball attorney Ed (Edward Two-Hands) Esaaal. His intent was to free the lovely Manatee and continue with the case. He'd dealt with Edward in a prior legal matter involving grandfathering in goats on his property in West Covino. That had gone reasonably well except for the incident at the South Hills Golf Course where the 6th hole was chewed up by the goats. Fortunately, that was settled out of court. However, his thoughts were on the lovely Manatee, not goats, as he tested his driving skills weaving in and out of the bicycle lanes and lane splitting with his Yugo. He met Two-Hands at the Humane Society and was shocked to find that the Manatee had already been taken by a mysterious fellow who went by the initials JP and spoke as if his mouth was full of cheese; which it was. They had left within the hour, so following the cheese and cracker trail wouldn't be hard, especially given the sardine heads that littered the way. Hot in pursuit he got as far as the nearby sewage treatment plant and half expected to find something worse than the smell of the place. A rather annoyed worker named RSG with a pronounced English accent asked him why he was there. "Why we're looking for this really Hot Manatee and a shy cheese eating Easterner who goes by JP", said Two-Hands. RSG merely smiled and said "They Swam that way", pointing to the South duct, where his mate Spiky was busily cleaning up. TGFM looked at Two-Hands and said "This case is going to be a lot harder to solve, Let's go get a beer and talk about it". Two-Hands smiled and said "Anything for you Pal, just no swimming in the sewers". TGFM chuckled at the inside joke as they left. Two-Hands was already thinking about that pretty, but heavily tatooed bar maid Penny at his local watering hole. TGFM muttered "Boy, I never thought I would get involved with a Manatee. Nope, never". The sun was settling over West L.A., where the City never sleeps.

[chezdeluxe]

TUTM had begun to think a lot lately about Sam Houston. Not the hero that this bustling metropolis was named after but Sam Lee Houston who operated the Chinese Herbal Medicine Emporium.

If rhino horn and monkey glands were worth so much on the black market what would western hemisphere manatee milk bring in Shanghai?

Sam Lee had a great reputation as a people smuggler. Hadn't he managed to get Miguel across the border and into Culver all those years ago? But Manatees? That logistical nightmare would demand a special sort of operative. TUTM chuckled to himself. The boys from downunder might just slip under the radar.

[Esaaal]

The boys from downunder might just slip under the radar.

Chez contimplated his next move when he noticed the water swirling down the bowl in the opposite direction that what he was used to seeing it go. "Fascinating"..

[tgfmike]

Esaaal open his copy of RSME&CG as way to calm himself while he stuggled with tutm's manatee milk smuggling problem. And there was the answer, right in RSME&CG - Chapter 11 - Milking Your Manatee. A smile spread across E's face - it was so obvious - collect the milk locally, freeze-dry it on-site and reconstitute it in Asia. This could work!

[Esaaal]

Meanwhile in Denver...

Tgfm had already been in touch with his Taiwanese translator Hu Mei. Hu Mei would be the vital link in the Manatee milk reconstitution scheme. Hu would set up the transportation, the factory, the workers and he had all the local goverment officials (who issue permits) already paid off. It wouldn't be easy but the potential payoff was enormous.

Now it was time to add the muscle. Tgfm knew just who to call. He reached for his Gold Princess Phone (Mike dispised technology).

[tgfmike]

Esaaal picked up his pink Little Mermaid phone, knowing that it was Mike calling on his GPP.

"Dude", said Mike, in an unsuccessful attempt to sound cool, "I need some muscle and Penny isn't answering her phone. What's up with that?"

E was taken aback by this news. "OMG", he said, not caring how totally Valley Girl he sounded, "I don't know - I just talked to her yesterday. Try sending her a tdpri IM."

"Maybe you should drive over and check on her - it should only take you 8 hours or so."

So Esaaal got back in his car and headed east. This time he remembered his tele, which would soon come in handy.

[telleutelleme]

TGFM, totally smashed, staggered out of the bar struggling to find his keys. Two-Hands had left earlier with a woman he had met after Penny had nailed him with a half empty Shiner Bock. TGFM hadn't cared, he was only thinking of the lost Lanore; the name they had given him at the Humane Society for Lady Manatee (he'd named her that after the concert he'd gone to the week before featuring Lady Gaga). As he fumbled with the Yugo's key he heard a faint squeal, then again and again. At first he thought it was his Vans on the slick sidewalk, but after the cold California Sea Breeze cleared his head, he realized it might be; Lanore. Stuggling to the curb, he looked down into the grate only to see moonlight flickering in a pair of Almond eyes. His heart stopped and he knew there was still hope. Suddenly coming down the street he saw the street cleaner, spraying chemicals and whirling that large brush. He shouted to Lanore "Quick, swim over to North Hollywood and I'll get a plastic tub at Lowes and meet you there. With a flip of her tail she was gone and TGFM knew there was really something special about this day. He drove off just as his cell phone rang and he saw the message from Two-Hands about Penny. "The Hell with them, I've got my own mission", he said.

[chezdeluxe]

TUTM had settled on "The Wild Bunch", as he now called the Australian liars, for operation Shanghai. But all those time zones were going to require split second coordination and how available were they.

Hoodie claimed to have started a new job. SimonC was miles from anyone but was the closest to Madagascar and that could prove to be important . NRand had only recently been released from one of Her Majesty's Hotels and was busy looking at the sun rising over a beach.

The toughest and fittest of the crew were both in Brisbane but Boblets was committed to his icecream stand outside Eagle Farm racecourse.

That left only the one known as "The Clown"......

[PennyCentury]

"Salt Chunk Chez" had all the "nos" and none of them ever meant "yes". He named a price heavy and cold as a cop's blackjack on a winter night and that was it. He didn't name another. Chez didn't like talk and he didn't like talkers. He received and did business in the kitchen. And he kept it in a sugar bowl. Nobody thought about that. His cold grey eyes would have seen the thought and maybe something goes wrong on the next lay John Citizen come up with a load of 00 into your soft and tenders or Johnny Law just happens by. He sat there and heard. When you spread the manatee out on his kitchen table he already knows where you sloped it. He looks at the pudgy animal and a price falls out cold and hard as a cop's blackjack in the middle of winter, and his mouth closes and stays shut. If he doesn't want to do business he just wraps the manatee up and shoves it back across the table and that is that. Chez keeps a blue coffee pot and a pot of salt pork and beans always on the wood stove. When you fall in he gets up without a word and puts a mug of coffee and plate of salt chunk in front of you. You eat and then you talk business. Or maybe you take a room for a week to cool off. Room18 on the top floor I was sitting in the top room rose wall paper smoky sunset across the river. I was new in the game and like all young thieves thought I had a license to steal. It didn't last.

[HoodieMcFoodie]

ChezDeluxe's apartment block in Randwick was proving to be nothing but trouble, full of mayhem and murder. It seemed the longer he owned it the more money he lost. But while he’s trying to solve his financial problems, Chez still has time to fight hate-crazed roadies, sort out a drug deal after fighting a gang of bikies, help a feminist Balmain writer with some research she won’t forget in a hurry, and get involved with Penny Century, a super-sexy leadsinger of an all-girl rock band, The Heathen Harlots. And with the help of two ex-Romanian Securitate explosive experts, he might even be able to sort out his investment.

[tgfmike]

<no lie>Wow. You guys are way too good at this.</no lie>

Esaaal finally arrived in New Hampshire and found Penny at the Nashau Guitar Center, in the middle of a week-long marathon of non-stop Tal Farlow style standards.

"Mike's lookin' for you", E said.

"Tell him I'm busy. If he isn't dying it will have to wait. I've pledged this week to Habitat for Trichechidae and I can't let them down."

"It'll wait",said E.

"Call Hoodie, maybe he can help", said PC and went back to her third time through I Like To Recognize The Tune.

[telleutelleme]

The Yugo was sluggish carryng the extra weight of the plastic tub with Lanore. TGFM didn't care, the rescue had gone well and all that lay ahead was the two-lane blacktop and Culver City in his rear view mirror. It didn't matter if Lanore didn't say much, just having her safe in the little hatchback with a supply of bottled water; sans gas, and several cases of sardines was all that mattered. He figured they could be in Bakersfield by 3:00am maybe 4:00am at the latest. Funny; Bakersfield. The thought made him start singing "I've got a Manatee by the Tail", but he quickly stopped; fearing it would wake her up. When he got to Barstow, he would call Two-Hands to check up on PC and rumor had it that ChzDlx and Hoodie were flying in from Singapore on some business deal and would meet with Two-Hands and some other guy somewhere up North, possibly Wisconsin. As he mulled over the events of the day, he remembered the cheese and made the connection. Damn, its "JP" and I think maybe that weasel Esaaal is the brains behind this Manatee slave trade that PC was alluding to. TGFM wheeled the Yugo around sloshing water all over the back and awakening Lanore. She fluttered about a bit but was soon back asleep; probably tired from the swim up to North Hollywood. TGFM decided he had to get Lanore out of California but was a bit afraid of taking an underaged Manatee across state lines. Oh well, he thought, "I'll worry about that tomorrow"