GUILTY as charged

(Forgive me if this has been posted here before, but a bass player friend just emailed it to me...) -- CS

BASS PLAYER OFFENSES and RELATED FINES

Playing loudly during warm up — $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping — $25
Loud cursing after mistake — $10
Playing high and fast after mistake — $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes — $20
Asking for "E" tuning note — $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb — $50
Playing written-out walking line — $50
Failure to play written walking line — $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes — $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures — $50
Playing eighth notes — $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes — $10 each
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo — $75
Dragging ballad tempo — $100
Blacking out during ballad — $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo — $100
Following drummer's tempo — $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me — $1000

Upright player offenses

Showing up before first downbeat — $25
Playing audibly — $25
Faking changes — $25
Slapping — $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass — $25
Excessive sweating — $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo — $50
Asking leader for a solo — $30
Accepting solo when offered — $50
Taking second chorus — $100
Playing solo arco — $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune — $25
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune — $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune — $500

Electric player offenses

Checking hair between tunes — $15
Experimenting with odd meters — $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill — $25
Playing with a pick — $50
Tuning during ballad — $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba — $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad — $150
Attempting last word on final chord — $50
Achieving last word on final chord — $100
Long gliss down to final note — $200

Equipment violations—electric

Forgetting strap — $10
Changing strings after every set — $15
Using electric tuner — $15
Setting up mic "just in case" — $75
Forgetting to turn amp on — $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip — $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp — $25
Bringing custom-made bass — $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass — $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass — $150
Bringing fretless bass — $500

Criminal bad taste

Telling bone player about all the gigs you get — $10
Asking bone player about their day gig — $10
Sitting behind drums on break — $10
Quoting "Birdland" — $25
Practicing scales during break — $25
Practicing scales during drum solo — $50
Practicing — $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" — $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" — $100

Basic stupidity

Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt — $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt — $20
Asking when the rock set starts — $20
Continually asking "where are we?" — $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" — $25
Asking bone player where "1" is — $50
Taking cellphone call during 4's — $100

[BLACKCAT69]

A: The bass player drools out of both sides of his mouth!!!

[Tele295]

Playing audibly — $25

This had me rolling!!!!!!

Asking bone player about their day gig — $10

That's worth 10 bucks just to hear the answer!