Help!: Poltics, Egos, Alcholism, Sobriety, Songwriting, Being in a Band

[GeraldTheModest]

Hey TDPRI,

I've got a lot on my mind and need advice about my band. First of all, I am the lead songwriter and guitarist for my band. After a long while my band has a rehearsal space, has a recorded demo, and is starting to make a buzz in our town. We are a three piece. Our drummer is solid and I have no worries over him, except for the fact he is in 2 other bands and is taking a month off in august to go on a hiking trip. Our bassist/singer has been a childhood friend of mine for years and I truly care about him but sometimes he irritates me to no end. He is an admitted alcoholic and I have recently made the decision to stay sober on drugs and alcohol which means we will play a gig and then I have to load and unload my guitar, pedalboard, amp, and bass (that he plays) back to my house by myself after a show, in which I live in a bad neighborhood and fear the potential theft of my gear as I move equipment into the car, while he stays at the bar getting drunk.

With these things on my mind I've considered starting writing material for a new band.

Is my ego out of control? Am I being selfish? HELP ME TELECASTER FORUM!

[Colt W. Knight]

This is me of course, but I wouldn't work with an alcoholic.

[yark14]

Get help for him, then make him help you get things loaded, moved over to your place, and unloaded. That way you get a hand, and he doesn't get drunk. I know its an overly simple solution, but simple solutions often solve complex problems. But first make sure he gets help.

[JeradP]

An intervention would probably be a good idea, and not just from a band standpoint.

[String Tree]

Time to strike out on your own.

Tell these guys that you are starting a new band with YOUR name.
That way people will know YOU will be playing.

If they can hang with that, schlep the gear, stay sober and, be there when YOU want them to be there, they can be in YOUR band.

If they don't like it, they can move on down stream to the next band that wants to put up with their mess.

If they aren't willing to share the risk and the work so they can get high, dude, loose these guys.

It will be easier to get gigs using your name.
You can take it a step at a time - your name and the name of your old band.

Ask around about other Bass players and Drummers.
Maybe they will get the message.

Best of luck.
~ ST

[Martin R]

String Tree is right. Great solution. And you might as well get used to it, musicians come and go.

As long as you remember it's the music that matters everything else will take care of its self.

[bender-freak]

your list of frustrations covers ALL the reasons why i pretty much quit the full band thing and started doing a duo many years ago, using a Solton drum/bass/rhythym unit.

the advice to "get" help FOR an alcoholic usually goes absolutely NOwhere. an alcoholic cannot/will not be helped until THEY themselves hit their bottom and seek the help on their own. they have to go TO the help, not have it SENT to them.

hope it works out for you and especially hope your friend becomes able to face his problem and seeks the help which IS out there.

[spider bishop]

Another +1 for String Tree's advice! Be clear and tell them why you can't work with them and then get busy making music.

[Sleph]

I'd start by pointing out to your friend what a good thing you have going...and tell him as a friend that you don't see his behavior/habbit as beneficial.

There seem to be 2 issues here....1 is the band...but more important is your childhood friendship.

[RollingBender]

What you are going through is exactly the reason that drove me to change the structure of every group I had from that point forward. I decided that I was the responsible one and that I should be in charge of everything from there on out. I owned all the equipment, did all of the setup/tear down, booked all the jobs, picked all the tunes, sang all the songs, etc... Because of this, the bass player and drummer were hired and paid a flat rate per job. All they had to do is show up with their personal instruments, play the job (sober), get paid, and go home. Usually, the money ended up equating to a 4-way split with me (and my sound/light/rodie wife) taking 2 cuts and them taking one. Once in a while, I played for a lot less... once in a while, I played for a lot more. But always, I knew to expect at each job from each player.

I really don't think it is an ego issue if you are really carrying the show. If you are carrying both the business and performance sides of the group, you deserve to be running the show, calling the shots, and reaping the benefits.

[greggorypeccary]

Originally Posted by Colt W. Knight

This is me of course, but I wouldn't work with an alcoholic.

Especially an alcoholic who, apparently, doesn't even have his own bass.

[Wrong-Note Rod]

A wise man once told me....

"bands suck, because they are full of people, and people suck"

[Durtdog]

I load/and unload my own guitar, pedal board, amp, etc. by myself, no one helps me. I don't see that as an issue. You live in a bad neighborhood, well that's your own problem. I don't see your beef with any of this.

If you're put out because you let him use your bass that you have to haul around, ok, make him get his own and be responsible for his own gear.

If you're upset because he wants to stay at the bar after you're ready to go home, grow up. People do what they want, especially band personnel.

If you can't work with him, dump him. But you didn't say anything about him not doing the job, just that he doesn't help you with your gear.

[telequacktastic]

With these things on my mind I've considered starting writing material for a new band.

Never put all your eggs in one basket. I would try and keep a couple of things on the backburner just for sanity sake and in case one blows up. Keep a lid on it though, don't mention the problems you are going through with one band to the other band.

[Old Cane]

Originally Posted by Durtdog

I load/and unload my own guitar, pedal board, amp, etc. by myself, no one helps me. I don't see that as an issue. You live in a bad neighborhood, well that's your own problem. I don't see your beef with any of this.

If you're put out because you let him use your bass that you have to haul around, ok, make him get his own and be responsible for his own gear.

If you're upset because he wants to stay at the bar after you're ready to go home, grow up. People do what they want, especially band personnel.

If you can't work with him, dump him. But you didn't say anything about him not doing the job, just that he doesn't help you with your gear.

I've got to agree with this. if it's a problem playing then it's a band problem. If it's only after then it's a friend problem. If this is a business then you need to deal with them as 2 separate problems. If it's just for fun then you can just try to help your friend.

[muudcat]

You'll never sober up a drunk. He has to do it for him self. I'd let him know the facts ( he's an alcoholic) but when you hit him with reality ( he's fired or you have another band) he might take another look at his situation, but I doubt it. It's the nature of the beast and don't become co-dependent, you CAN'T fix him.

[muudcat]

Sorry I had to re-read the post, no it's not your ego, it's your desire for a more professional approach. If he doesn't want or need to go that direction it will eventually come to an end. Been there done that. And he has to have his own guitar! #1

[orangeguitar]

A little drama goes a long way if your band is actually making good music that people like. Maybe your bandmate is doing the face-to-face networking that you aren't doing when you go home after a gig. Every band needs a damn cheerleader.

[BlueJazzDay]

the advice to "get" help FOR an alcoholic usually goes absolutely NOwhere. an alcoholic cannot/will not be helped until THEY themselves hit their bottom and seek the help on their own. they have to go TO the help, not have it SENT to them.

Absolutely true. I've been sober for 17 years now, but it wasn't until the pain got too bad that I was willing to surrender and seek help. The numerous people who tried to intervene before I was truly ready stopped being my friends. Sometimes you have to be willing to let go with love and take care of yourself.

[Maggot]

If he's sober for the show and rehearsal, put him in a position where his after-show sobriety is not your concern. Don't, under any conditions, move his equipment. If you want to lend him your bass without knowing how it's gonna get home, fine. Otherwise make him get/use his own.

If he's messed up before/during gig, or if his addiction just plain drives you crazy, either can him, or deliver a very tight ultimatum RE total sobriety at the gig and stick to it.

Pare your own rig down to a one (or at most 2) trip rig so you can unload with less anxiety. Your own rig is your responsibility.

If you keep it simple and make everyone responsible for their own stuff, you may find that YOU are the one waltzing into the gig without a care. Of course lateness or no show would mean the ax for either of them.

YOU are in control - if they weren't there you could still sing songs & play, ditto if one of them doesn't show up. You may find it necessary to find a new situation, but don't underestimate their contributions either, if people are likeing the music, it's not just you. For a start, you can just delegate responsibilities & travel light. If anyone chokes, they're out.