My drummer's revenge...

[Geyser]

Every time somebody posts a drummer joke on here, I quickly forward it on to my drummer. He's a quick-witted, hilarious dude (imagine that for a drummer!) who's a pretty good sport about this kind of thing. Well, he must have had enough because he bombarded me today with a ton of guitarist/bassist jokes. I must admit, some of them were pretty good. Here we go...

What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.



Why are so many drummer jokes one-liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them



Recently overheard:

“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."



If you drop a bass player, rhythm guitarist, lead guitarist and watermelon off a tall building, which hits the ground first?
Who cares?



What's the definition of an optimist?
A guitar player with a mortgage.



What do bass players use for birth control?
Their personalities.



What do you call a beautiful woman on a guitarist’s arm?

A tattoo.



How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
Evidently, all of them.



How do you keep your guitar from being stolen?

Put it in a bass case.



How are bass players like linoleum?

Lay them once and a chick can walk on them forever.



What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.



Why do some people have an instant aversion to bass players?
It saves time in the long run.



What's the difference between a bass and a guitar?

Not that much, but the guitar looks a lot smaller because the player’s head is so big.



How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

12: One to change the bulb and 11 to say they could do it better.



How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the guitarist has to show him first.



What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?

Both suck when you plug them in.



How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.



Did you hear about the band that locked their keys in the van?
They had to break the window to let the bass player out.



What do you call a bass player with half a brain?
Gifted.



Two guys were walking down the street. One was destitute.
The other was a guitar player, too.



How do you improve the aerodynamics of a guitarist’s car?
Take the Domino's sign off the roof.



What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bass player in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.



How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.



How can you tell when your guitarist is out of tune?
His hand starts moving.



Why are bass player’s brains so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.



Why do lead guitarists walk around the stage when they play?
To get away from the sound.



What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
His amplifier.

[Seanycaster]

I have to admit some of those made me laugh. I really liked the half a beat behind the drummer one.

[teledude66]

the best bass player joke i ever heard was.....

what's the difference in a bass player and a large pizza?



a large pizza can feed a family of four

[J-man]

Originally Posted by teledude66

the best bass player joke i ever heard was.....

what's the difference in a bass player and a large pizza?



a large pizza can feed a family of four

That's low.






Why did the guitarist put a pair of drumsticks on his dashboard?

So he could park in a disabled spot.



What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

[WickedGTR]

The accordian player was on his way to a gig (...I know, doubtful...).

He had his accordian in the back seat. Had to stop at the liquor store on the way, and forgot to lock his car.

Came back out and there were TWO accordians in the backseat.

(adaptable to the instument of choice....)

[ye olde fretmonkey]

So a bass player is walking down the street and he walks by a bar...


...no, seriously, it could happen

[Chris S.]

Originally Posted by J-man

That's low. :lol:

Uh-huh. And...

Q: What's the difference between a savings bond and a guitarist?

A: The savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

So true... ;-) CS

[Bob Rogers]

Picture a ‘30s jungle movie. Scene is a camp at night in the darkest jungle. Guys in pith helmets, native bearers, beautiful ingénue with perfectly coiffed hair. In the background the jungle drums get louder and louder. Closeup of ingénue with fear in her eyes who says, “The drums! The drums! Won’t they ever stop?!” Cut to native bearer who says, “Drums not so bad little missy. But when drums stop…bass solo starts.”

[Chris S.]

Picture a ‘30s jungle movie. Scene is a camp at night in the darkest jungle. Guys in pith helmets, beautiful ingénue with perfectly coiffed hair. In the background the jungle drums get louder and louder. Closeup of ingénue with fear in her eyes who says, “I don't like the sound of those drums!"

Suddenly a voice yells out from the jungle, "He's not our regular drummer." ;-) CS

[Twangmeister]

How does a jazz guitarist make a million dollars?

(Holding....holding)

He starts with 2 million.

(...and releasing.)

[cody420]

Originally Posted by Twangmeister

How does a jazz guitarist make a million dollars?

(Holding....holding)

He starts with 2 million.

(...and releasing.)

sad but true

[Telenator]

So, what is it that makes a person give up music and take up drums?


What is the similarity between a bull and a drum heavy funk band? The horns are up front and the a-hole's in the back.

[Andy R]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1
5
1
5
1
5
1
5

[Honga Man]

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.


What do you call a room full of guitarists?

Jail.

[David Barnett]

You're in a shipwreck. You're clinging to a piece of floating debris when a lifeboat approaches. Three pairs of hands reach over the side to pull you in -- a drummer with perfect time, a drummer with lousy time, and Santa Claus. Which one do you reach for?







The drummer with lousy time. The other two are obviously hallucinations.

[Joel Terry]

Originally Posted by Seanycaster

I have to admit some of those made me laugh. I really liked the half a beat behind the drummer one.

I loved 'em, too! Especially the one about the bass player changing a light bulb--the guitarist has to show him first. Priceless.

Joel

[Paul in Colorado]

A little boy is talking to his mother and says, "When I grow up I'm gowing to be a musician."
And his mother replys, "I'm sorry son, but you can't do both."

Ba-dum!

[ThoughtCriminal]

Originally Posted by WickedGTR

The accordian player was on his way to a gig (...I know, doubtful...).

He had his accordian in the back seat. Had to stop at the liquor store on the way, and forgot to lock his car.

Came back out and there were TWO accordians in the backseat.

(adaptable to the instument of choice....)

My Dad grew up in Milwaukee Wisconsin. He said this may have actually happened from time to time.

See, everybodies parents wanted their kid to play accordian. If you saw a car with an accordian in it, it was an opportunity to ditch the one your parents got you.

This was mostly a Milwaukee thing though.

But now you know where the joke comes from if you didn't before.

[moonshiner]

Thank the Lord one hasn't appeared in my car... A tele or 2 has been known to appear there though...

[simonc]

Q- How many country singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A- Seven- one to screw in the bulb, and six to write a song about how much they miss the old one.

Two drummers walk into a bar...which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.

Q- How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A- Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."


Q. What does it mean if your drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.


Q. How can you tell that there is a drummer at your door?
A. Because the knocking is all out of time and he doesn't know when to come in.

A couple who's relationship was on the rocks went to a marriage counselor
*who could not get them to discuss anything. The communication block was so
*heavy that nothing he suggested could make them open up and talk. Finally
after several sessions of non-communication, the counselor stands up,
walks to the corner of the room and produces a bass guitar. He brings it to the
couple, plugs it into a small practice amp and begins to play fervently.
Gradually their barriers break down and they begin to discuss their
problems and little things that always bothered them that they never felt
encouraged to bring up before.
At the end of the session, they were smiling and laughing just like old
times. They paid their bill and before leaving, asked the counselor, "What
did you do? How did that song help make everything work out?"
He answered simply, "Everybody talks during the bass solo."

[Scotland]

Originally Posted by Telenator

So, what is it that makes a person give up music and take up drums?

Some great ones here but the above had me falling off my chair, my drummer was right beside me but he couldn't pick me up in time and I landed on all his dropped beats.