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Old January 28th, 2013, 05:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Devastated after breakup :(

Hey, first of all I’m sorry for whining here like a baby, you don’t know me, I don’t know you guys, and most of you probably don’t really care so I should just man up. Still I feel the need to get it out of me:

I’m 28 and I’ve been through many relationships. 2 of them quite long, both ended with a huge disappointment. That + the fact that my dad left my mom after 20 yrs of happy marriage left me horrified and insecure. So I begun 2012 by building up my life, re-evaluating things and living it as it was best for me. Plenty of shows, new songs, studio time, video shoots, etc… I was truly happy, and I promised myself not to get into anything serious just for the sake of being with someone. I had some one night stands, some that wanted more, but I turned them down as life is too short not to have really high standards.

Then, one night after a show I hooked up with the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I knew she was only 18, so I didn’t even think about getting serious (oh, it would never work!) , but that was fine with her. We met up a few times during the summer but all of a sudden we fell for each other. She was very mature, and such an extraordinary girl, that despite my fears I gave in. The age difference caused difficulties at times but we worked on it because we loved each other. She looked up to me, her parents and friends loved me for making her happier than anyone so far. She’d never had a long relationship before, although she had many, she couldn’t really love any of those guys, but me.

However, things changed. The fact that she loved me more than anyone else before, and that I loved her like she was never loved before scared her. Only 18, what if she gave up everything for me at such a young age and I left him later? This made her unsure…For a week she acted strange, we didn’t see each other, she needed time to figure things out. First I understood because she’s been under a lot of pressure lately and had many problems, so I gave he space and let her know that I’d be there for her through this. Then at one point I realized it wouldn’t matter what she decided: if after 5 months she’s not dying for me, and she needs to figure out what she feels it’s certainly not enough for me to go on and invest my love into her. From now on I wouldn’t trust her enough to get through the upcoming months (final exam, summer break while I’m at work, college, new friends, etc…) So I drove to her place and told her all this. She broke out in a hysterical cry when I left but she didn’t try to stop me. That was all I needed to know.

I know I did myself a huge favor and prevented months, maybe a year of jealousy, fights and anxiety, and I wouldn’t get back together with her even if she begged me, still I can’t let go. She’s such and extraordinary girl and I really loved her. This is totally killing me…

What happened to the world? 50 years ago people married at 18-20 and grew old together without worrying about risks and “missing life”. Nowdays you can’t trust anyone, people give up love for “freedom” and “living” but it’s sad and lonely. I wouldn’t date a girl of my age, they’re so different, but the younger ones are not willing to commit at all. She said if I wasn’t 28 or she wasn’t 18 she would give up everything for me without a second thought, and everyone is telling her that she’ll never find another guy like me.

It’s so tragic, why is this world so shallow, and eager to give up what’s most important to meet the expectations of this rushing world? I want someone I can grow old with happily. Am I being too naive?

If you’ve read all the way through, thank you, and I’m really sorry for whining in self-pity, but it’s so tough to move on.

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Old January 28th, 2013, 05:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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...So I drove to her place and told her all this. She broke out in a hysterical cry when I left but she didn't try to stop me. That was all I needed to know...
Sounds like you dumped her, and now you're having second thoughts. Like you said, "Man up..."

Still, you probably did the right thing. From what you posted, you might as well set her free now and save her (and probably yourself) a lot of unnecessary pain.

The day I realized that I wanted my girlfriend to be happy, no matter what the consequences for me, no matter what the cost, and that I was willing to give up everything if necessary just to make her happy, that's when I decided to marry her.

Still married 15 years later, but even with all the love in the world, it's been harder than I could have imagined.

EDIT: Just wanted to add that when I proposed my wife was 25 and I was 32... Now I'm 47, and my wife's turning 29 again (again! lol )
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Old January 28th, 2013, 05:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Well I won't say whether or not it was the right decision, but the important thing is that it was an INFORMED and LOGICAL decision. It was obviously a painful choice to make, but you managed to find the courage to get it done. Now all you need to do is to find that same courage to move on.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 05:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Yes it's tough to move on but you're doing the right thing. See if you can't find a quickie rebound relationship to get your mind off of it.

If she's that young, she still has no idea what she wants in life or from a relationship. Ten years is not a big age difference if you're older, but she is way too young to be making commitments.

You're saving yourself a lot of trouble by moving on. So, move on.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 06:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You really can't expect someone so young like that to be able to stay in a relationship. Girls and guys at that age want to be free. she probably still loves you but she wants to experience other things with people her age (not that I'm saying your old). She may have seen that things were moving to fast and felt that she was going to be trapped and not live that crazy and free live she pictured. But I tell you in a few years from now or maybe a couple months she is going to look back and regret it. Try to take it slow for now you have plenty of time. Just remember the more you get older the more woman want you :)
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Old January 28th, 2013, 06:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Right, she probably was too young and it would have happened sooner or later anyhow, but I think you've got to get your attitude in check. The "life is too short to not have really high standards" deal is a bit too cocky! I could understand if you knew these others were of questionable background, but just warding off potential life partners because you think you're too good for that is nonsense! IMHO.

I understand you're only 28 and you've got a long road ahead of you, but treat people kind and don't burn bridges and you might be surprised where you could find love. You don't have to break your neck searching. I wish someone would have told me this...errr, I wish I would have listened when someone told me this when I was your age. Good luck.

By the way, my girlfriend is 12 years younger than I am and I met her at a gig. This WAS one of my steadfast rules about dating for decades. 'Never date anyone I meet at a club/bar'. This was a strange situation, as her parents have been fans of my band for years and I have been friends with them and celebrated birthdays, holidays...with them. They introduced me to their daughter, who has never been married, no kids, no psycho ex's. Needless to say, I was knocked off my feet. It's been 2 years now and we are talking the big M-word. It can happen.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 07:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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At 18 it's hard to think that anyone can truly know what they want. If they do give it a year, and what they want will change. Legally, 18 is an adult... That doesn't mean they necessarily can make grown up decisions. It's hard to make life altering decisions (long term commitments) when one hasn't had a chance to truly experience what. Is out there...
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Old January 28th, 2013, 07:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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You gotta pick one person for the right reasons, then you stick with them and work at it. Its a two-way street. No guarantees in life.

Don't put too much into fleeting things like age and beauty. Not too many movie stars looking so hot in the graveyard. Time is no respecter of persons.

Young people do what young people do, which is "I know it all," and the grass-is-greener-dance around the pole till you puke. People do what people do. They change, they get old, they grow, they pass on. Pretty predictable. Everybody gets their heart smashed. Don't spend one more moment in that head space. Doesn't do any good. Go watch funny you-tube videos, go help people, jog, anything to take your mind off the bad.

You should try to pick someone who complements you where you are weak and vice versa. To do that you have to have compatible goals and values.

You earn their trust, love and loyalty by actions, over time. Momma might love you unconditionally, but everybody else? Not how the real world works. You keep your side of the street clean. You become mature and invest in the long run, your real purpose. If somebody doesn't appreciate it, you find someone that will. Or take up some new hobbies.

If things don't work out, you look to correct what was your part in it. You learn. No self-pity, the world isn't going to end. No bleeding heart perpetuation with unrequited love spoiling your ability to be happy. Its your mind, don't give things you cant control power over your mind or happiness. Listen to a good song, clean the house, call a relative or friend, play a fun game.

You get knocked down, you get right back up.

No one-night stands, (yuck, yuck, yuck!) - you're asking for chaos, trouble, and strife to be your best friends. Pick one. Stick with them, really try.

You're gonna have nothing but constant torment if you put much stock in anything that has to do with our flesh bodies. They are there so that our mind can fulfill our purpose while we are here, and to do that you need discipline to show your body who is boss. Don't fall for cheap temptation, and don't let beauty corrupt your mind, reversing the priorities of what is good and most important.

You're not going to miss out on "the one." "The one" is somebody who puts up with you despite your shortcomings (& vice-versa), if you are willing to try to work on yourself and compromise with them (for a greater good the two of you will eventually achieve.)

And do not "purchase" any beliefs or principles that are advertised on things like the television. Use your common sense, you'll do fine. Hang in there. Easier said than done.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 07:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Someone has to say it, so it might as well be me. Half your age +7. (28/2)+7=21. Anything less than that is too young for you.

You're doing to both of you a favour.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 07:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Reflected: a couple years ago I was in the SAME position. I was 25, she was 19. REALLY hit it off, tons in common, her family adored me, etc. Then she got scared and ran off. We still talk and hang out once in a while, but she was out of the country for 18 months for family and study-abroad reasons, so there was a long gap between the relationship and whatever we have now.

It sucks, but timing is what it is. Most of life, all aspects of it, is blind luck. Here's hoping you blindly stumble into something good along the way.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 07:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Someone has to say it, so it might as well be me. Half your age +7. (28/2)+7=21. Anything less than that is too young for you.

You're doing to both of you a favour.
When I met my wife, she was 21 I was 36; been together 10 years now ........ If I'd based my decision on the formula you have recommended I'd still be a lonely tosser living a shallow existence of multiple post gig one night stands ..... Like the OP.


..... Instead we have two lovely kids and a happy marriage ....... To the OP, life is a series of risks, No pain, no gain.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 08:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I just saw her and jumped. Your going to be lonely if you wait for everything to be perfect.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 08:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks for your comments.

What you misunderstand is that high standards don't equal a cocky, burn all bridges attitude. Then I wouldn't have committed to a 18 yr old in the first place. And no, I'm not a big fan of one night stands, I much prefer someone I could count on and be happy with.

But yeah, even though I, and her parents have the experience to say that she wouldn't miss too much if she committed to me, - maybe a few other guys, - but everybody has to find it out and realize for themselves. Otherwise there would always be a little bee buzzing in your ears, if you know what I mean.

So yes, after years of experience and life she will realize and understand, but she has to walk those miles herself, it cannot be replaced by advice and wisdom.

This is the problem with today's world. We seem have so many possibilities, the world has become so small that nobody dares giving up what may be for what actually is there i.e. to commit. It's a sad, selfish and lonely century :/
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Old January 28th, 2013, 08:04 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Someone has to say it, so it might as well be me. Half your age +7. (28/2)+7=21. Anything less than that is too young for you.

You're doing to both of you a favour.
Aye, 18 year olds should be hanging out down at the mall not hanging out with nearly-30 year old dudes having an existential crisis.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 08:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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For a week she acted strange, we didn’t see each other, she needed time to figure things out.
Things already weren't working out. You pushed before you were shoved. Standard relationship stuff, after the initial infatuation fades reality sets in and both of you realized that there wasn't enough there to overcome the inevitable issues a 30 year old dating a teenager brings.

I broke up with my girlfriend of over a decade last year. I told myself I'd swear off women for a while. If I did go out with anyone it would be because they were right for me. In the end biology kicked in and I was basically going out with every girl I'd meet. Sometimes you can't help yourself even though you know it's a train-wreck waiting to happen.

No one likes to break up with someone, but lets not make out this was some sort of big deal. I bet you'll only be giving this event momentary, "what if?" thought in the near future. Also don't put too much time in looking for the one and trying to be overly romantic about this stuff. Pride and Predjudice was fiction, not reality.

It's like picking a guitar, you might think you want a shiny new Gibson Les Paul because it's the guitar of you dreams, but when you actually play it, you don't like the tone you're getting. Then all of a sudden you take a chance on a beat up old Telecaster and all of a sudden you have found what you are looking for. Just go out with as many girls as possible and see what happens without planning. Right now I'm going out with a girl who I'd basically talked to once, without any thought of dating. Yes she was attractive and exotic, but we had nothing in common and she seemed way to sweet to go out with me. Turns out she is bat-**** crazy and we clicked right away as soon as we just gave it a go. If you'd told me that a couple of months ago I'd laughed in your face. Love and relationships are funny like that...
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Old January 28th, 2013, 08:30 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Don't Worry,

There are Many Fish in the Sea.

Find a Mermaid, not a Flounder.

Cast a Wide Net, Until you've Found her.

(FacePalm... sorry about that)
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Old January 28th, 2013, 08:59 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I have very few regrets, but one thing I do begrudge is every second I wasted feeling sorry for myself after a breakup.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 09:05 AM   #18 (permalink)
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As they say:
"If you love something, set it free,
If it comes back to you, It was meant to be."
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Old January 28th, 2013, 09:26 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Nothing breaks like a heart, to quote the great Chrissie Hynde. It's a long, long life and you just have to hang in there. You never can predict how these things twist and turn, you may even revisit this relationship along the way.

Try to to at least write some songs while you're miserable, though.
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Old January 28th, 2013, 09:27 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Oh man, one day things are great, better than great, the best, then out of nowhere a cloud darkens, things go south, and that very very special love starts moving away. Those good times were real, but it sounds like both of you either had second thoughts or deep down knew it probably wouldn't work. You will move on, the hurt will lessen over time, but you will never ever forget that feeling.
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