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Old December 5th, 2012, 09:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Bar Jokes Only

Let's hear your favorite bar jokes!

Here are a few of mine...

A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed from head to toe in paper. His hat is a paper bag, his vest is paper, his chaps are paper. Pretty soon he's arrested for rustling.

Two guys walk into a bar... which is kinda funny, 'cuz you'd think the second one would've ducked.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Ba dump bump.

Don't forget to tip your waitresses. I'll be here all week!

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Old December 5th, 2012, 09:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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A drummer walks into a bar, the bass player ducked!
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Old December 5th, 2012, 10:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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The bartender looks up one day as his door opens, and in comes a rabbi with a parrot on his head.

"Where did you get that?" says the bartender.

"Brooklyn," says the parrot. "The place is crawling with them."
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Old December 5th, 2012, 10:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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A Catholic and a Democrat walk into a ba[MOD EDIT]
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Old December 5th, 2012, 10:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
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A skeleton walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Skeleton: " Give a beer and a mop."
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Old December 5th, 2012, 10:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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a horse walks into a bar

the bartender asks

why the long face?
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Old December 5th, 2012, 10:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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What kind of a duck do you think I am?
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Old December 5th, 2012, 10:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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A nose and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and the barman says "Right, the both of you, out now!" But why? says the nose. "Because you're off your face and your mate looks like he's ready to start something."
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Old December 5th, 2012, 10:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Two Lead Guitar Players walk out of a Bar.

It could happen!
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Old December 5th, 2012, 11:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Socrates walks into a bar and sits down next to J Edgar Hoover. J Edgar says, "Hey pal, nice dress."
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Old December 5th, 2012, 11:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky D. View Post
A skeleton walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Skeleton: " Give a beer and a mop."
Ha!
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Old December 6th, 2012, 12:04 AM   #12 (permalink)
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René Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he's finished it, the barman asks, "Would you like another?"

Descartes replies, "I think not."

And he disappears.
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Old December 6th, 2012, 12:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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A sandwich walks into a bar...

Bartender: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar...

Bartender: "Now don't y'all be trying to start something."

@ Rich...
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Old December 6th, 2012, 12:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rich_S View Post
René Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. When he's finished it, the barman asks, "Would you like another?"

Descartes replies, "I think not."

And he disappears.
+1

Thomas Edison walks into a bar looking angry and orders a stiff drink. Bartender says " OK, I'll serve you this one, but don't get any ideas."
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Old December 6th, 2012, 12:43 AM   #15 (permalink)
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A guy sits down at the bar and starts sipping on a beer when he hears a small voice say "That's a really nice shirt you're wearing." He's the only person at the bar so he can't figure out who spoke. A couple minutes past and the same tiny voice says "You're a very handsome man you know." He's feeling a little concerned because he can't figure out who's talking to him. He calls the bartender over and describes what's been going on and the bartender says "Oh, that's just the peanuts in the bowl over there talking. They're complimentary."
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Old December 6th, 2012, 12:48 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

The bartender says: "Why the long face?"
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Old December 6th, 2012, 12:54 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I may have heard this one on this forum, but I don't recall:

Guy walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder.

Bartender says "Nice salamander. What's it's name?"

Guy says "he's named Tiny."

"Hmmm, Tiny," says the bartender. "Why do you call him that?"

"Because," says the guy, "he's my newt."
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Old December 6th, 2012, 12:56 AM   #18 (permalink)
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A kangaroo walks into a bar. The bartender says- Hey we don't get many kangaroos in here. The kangaroo says - At these prices I can see why.
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Old December 6th, 2012, 01:03 AM   #19 (permalink)
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve ropes. Get out!"

The rope goes outside and thinks, after a few moments he ties himself into big chunky knots to give himself shoulders and a head. Then he frays his top strands to look like he has hair.

He goes back inside where the bartender eyes him suspiciously. The bartender glares and says "you a rope?"

The rope looks at the bartender and says "fraid not"
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Old December 6th, 2012, 01:23 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Bob and Dave are sitting at the bar, nursing their beers. Dave notices that Bob is unusually quiet, and asks him if anything is wrong.

"Well," replied Bob, "I stepped out on the porch this morning to get the newspaper, and noticed my daughter's boyfriends name written in the fresh snow in urine."

"Ha!" Dave replied, "that's no big deal! Guys pee their names in the snow sometimes, it's all part of being a teenager!"

"It was my daughter's handwriting."
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