Craigslist Post of the Day

[Leon Grizzard]

Texas Country Band Seeks Functioning Alcoholic to Hold Bass

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Date: 2012-07-03, 2:50AM CDT
Reply to: w7rwj-3115741996@comm.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
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We are an established Texas Country band looking for a functioning alcoholic who can hold a bass.

A little about us:
We've been at this about five years now, have a couple albums out, a couple singles that have done well on the Texas charts. We play primarily around Texas, a few out of state runs every few months.

Pay is industry standard for a middle level country band, and by the show.

Your responsibilities would be: you stand on stage with a bass. You don't fall over. After the show, you don't vomit in the van. On the night of a typical show, you are not in prison, and thus able to stand on stage and hold a bass. Some of you have asked if you would actually be required to play notes on said bass. The answer is, no. We've experimented with this in the past, and it created a number of problems. We recognize that having a five piece country rock band with no bass is a bit suboptimal, but we're realistic enough to know you don't always get exactly what you want. In fact, any sort of familiarity with the bass, or, more generally, music, is actively discouraged. Much as one would not distract one's designated driver by a donning a hat made from an empty bud lite case and screaming in their face will driving down an interstate, so too do we think it unwise to present the distraction of playing music to one who ought to be focusing on his core competency; i.e., standing on stage holding a bass, without falling over.

Pro gear is optional. Any gear at all is, in fact, optional. If you own something that might be a bass, we can work with that. If you don't but have access to something like a broom or a large piece of cardboard, we'll take you into consideration. If you think a bass cabinet is the closet you store your bass in ... hit us up.

We've had some inquiries asking if there is any "wiggle room" on the "functioning" part. In this context, "functioning" means: A) you have two hands; and B) you can remain vertical for 90 minutes on a typical Thursday, Friday, or Saturday evening, sometimes as few as 45 minutes, occasionally as long as 120 minutes; so, after some consideration, we're going to have to say that, no, we are going to have to remain firm on the "functioning" aspect of "functioning alcoholic." Apologies.

Thanks, and we look forward to hearing from you.

[uriah1]

- Whew.....maybe someone is ranting about their current Bass player

[Revv23]

Awesome!!!!

Sent from my iPhone using TDPRI

[scat4me]

Chances are slim to none they will find what they are looking for. Odd's are better to find a keyboard player with a good left hand,

[TC6969]

Originally Posted by uriah1

- Whew.....maybe someone is ranting about their current Bass player

Ya Think?

[SacDAve]

So what they are saying is all those years of studying at Juilliard & a dime don't mean squat.

[kelnet]

Maybe he should just talk to his bass player.
"Dude, man, ya gots some issues."

[Toto'sDad]

Well, yea, I think I can fill that job description, pretty well actually. Cardboard piece seems about right, check. Backup broom, check.

[kddean66]

"Gear is optional..." I guess that disqualifies everyone on TDPRI.

[notdave]

I'm not an alcoholic, functioning or otherwise, but I can tick all the other boxes.

Standing up for various periods of time: check
Holding a bass: check
Not playing said bass: check
Not falling over: check

Do I get the gig? I'll even wear a checked shirt and Levi's if required.

[getbent]

I am this close to being qualified! I wish I was closer, I'd try out!

[StratBluesRock]

LOL

[thorton077]

That would be awesome if they were dead serious, and you could just make money by standing there. I almost qualify.

[StoogeSurfer]

OSHA requires that n Texas, bass players prone to falling over must be placed inside a mini oil derrick.

[idjster]

They're probably as rare as non-exploding drummers...

[AndyLowry]

Finally! Bright lights, here I come!

[RCinMempho]

Thanks for that one, Leon!

[thelowerlip]

I love it!

[Revv23]

Im good at getting drunk, and i can not fall over with the best of em! But dont you ever try to tell me how to dress. If i decide a bud lite case looks better on my head than anything else, who are you to tell me i cant do it!?

Its too bad because i thought i had just landed my dream gig.

Sent from my iPhone using TDPRI

[gatimberframer]

I was going to apply but then I thought

"Who am I kidding? I'm not even good enough to hold the bass and not fall over for these guys' opening band. Back to the woodshed."