Marriage and Musicians

[Skub]

A dodgy mix?

An old friend of mine is a guitar freak something like myself,with one big difference. For him,his guitar and the bands he plays in come first,family fit in around that.
I played in a band with him for about a dozen years until my kids were born,so shortly afterwards I bowed out because the lifestyle and late hours wasn't compatible with my idea of a good family life. Kids are only kids for a very short time,blink and you'll miss the event.

I resumed my gigging again when my children were well up in years and I'm not stepping on any toes or missing out. My friend took a different path and has kept himself running practically every night of the week,playing in several bands and often being away from home for protracted periods of time.

His wife knew what he was when she married him,but I don't think she knew just how much of a runner up she and their three girls would be. He couldn't even tell you the birthday dates of any of his children,it's as if this was just a backdrop to his playing life.

Home life has not been happy for the past 12 years of a 30 year marriage and the real surprise to me is how well they kept it hidden.No one had a clue there was anything amiss.To the outside world he is an amiable jolly character,at home he rarely speaks except in anger.This was a shock even to me.

Eventually the inevitable has happened and he has met another woman,he denied any wrongdoing for a year or more until the facade fell apart,as has his 30 year marriage. Now even his kids want nothing to do with him.

I suppose the fact that a gigging musician managed to stretch 30 years out of a marriage,not all of them unhappy,is pretty spectacular in itself. In my limited circle,I know very few busy players that haven't worked their way through a traincrash private life.

A salutary lesson to us all and back to the original question.Marriage and musicians,a dodgy mix?

[Hiker]

A good marriage might be combined with a healthy balance of family, day job, gigs. This would take plenty of effort, understanding, and occasional tough decisions, (on your part and hers) IMO.

[Norton72]

The only working musician that I know personally who is (was) married had a wife who was insane, so I can't really give a good opinion on the subject.

[emu!]

I don't see anything wrong with putting music before marriage. As long as the woman knows she will be 2nd. It sounds like she agreed to it in the beginning, then changed her mind. Go figure...

[bscenefilms]

Just make sure the wife is a musician as well. I married one. No regrets.

[Arbiter]

Marriage and musicians,a dodgy mix?

Most women who've dated one would say so. I really had to "sell" my wife on the idea. That I succeeded may mean I'm a better salesman than musician.

Now, that being said, your friend's problem isn't that he's a musician, it's that he's an scumbag who treats his family like crap.

[stratofortress]

Originally Posted by emu!

I don't see anything wrong with putting music before marriage. As long as the woman knows she will be 2nd. It sounds like she agreed to it in the beginning, then changed her mind. Go figure...

Once you throw kids into the mix that kind of changes things ...

[Jefe]

Originally Posted by Skub

A An old friend of mine is a guitar freak something like myself,with one big difference. For him,his guitar and the bands he plays in come first,family fit in around that.
I played in a band with him for about a dozen years until my kids were born,so shortly afterwards I bowed out because the lifestyle and late hours wasn't compatible with my idea of a good family life. Kids are only kids for a very short time,blink and you'll miss the event.

Sounds to me like your friend just wasn't cut out for family life. Family comes first, especially when kids are involved. If he wasn't going to commit to that, then he probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, and definitely shouldn't have had kids.

Now, there are musicians who make it work. They work hard every night, tour and spend countless hours away from their families, etc. That doesn't mean their families don't come first in their hearts, though. They're out there doing what they do best in order to provide for their family.

IMO, musicians and marriage can absolutely mix. It just takes the right couple.

[Jack S]

Originally Posted by stratofortress

Once you throw kids into the mix that kind of changes things ...

Absolutely. The spouse can make a decision to live with a partner who is devoted to something other than them, but children do not have that choice. If you put your career above your devotion to your spouse and family, then you have no business having children in my opinion. However, there are a lot of business professionals who have chosen similar paths, it is not exclusive to musicians.

[Rod Parsons]

I put my guitars, musical friends, gigs and music making associations, etc., before women. That's why I am not in a relationship. The relationships, that I have had, [many], haven't lasted long.... All the women in my life needed way more money than I felt I would ever be able to earn, even though I have owned an upholstery shop for 35 years or so. But since I got me a good couple of dogs, my dogs have earned a place in my heart that preceeds even music. Women, [in a relationship], are now third. Most of my friends are still women, though. I'm not a threat??? Ha ha ha!

[Jakedog]

I play music for a living. Pretty much always have. I've had a couple of other jobs here and there, but nothing that ever stuck for more than a year or two. I have three children, September will be my fifteenth wedding anniversary.

It can certainly be done. I play in a TON of projects, and do freelance work, and solo acoustic gigs. I gig an average of five nights a week, plus rehearsals, recording, etc. It's a full time job. I spend as much time on music as I would on any other full time highly demanding employment.

My home life is great. I spend tons of time with my kids. I'm home with them during the day, I get the older two out to school in the morning, and I'm here when they get home 99% of the time. The youngest (not quite two years old) stays home with me because my wife works full time, and tons of extra hours. Her job is crazy demanding. The only time I miss out on stuff is when I'm out of town for work. Which can be anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks on average. Doesn't happen terribly often though, usually once or twice a year for big trips, maybe five or six short weekend jaunts.

My time off is spent exclusively at home. If I get a night off, no way am I leaving the house. I also schedule several spaces a year just for family. We have already taken two weekend family camping trips this year, and have a trip to visit family in New York planned for the first week of August. We leave the day after I get back from a tour in July. The wife and I are taking a weeklong backpacking trip out west the first week of September, it's what she wanted for her 40th birthday this year.

What I'm saying, is that it's entirely possible to be a successful working musician, and be a dedicated family man. No, you won't be there every waking minute for every moment of your children's lives, you are going to miss some stuff. But the same could be said of any other full time job.

I think the idea that marriage and music are not compatible is a cop out used by guys or gals who just don't want to put in the effort. There are a whole lot of married pros in this world, and it's not an overwhelming percentage of them that have lives that are falling apart. It can be done. You just have to want to do it. If you don't, it's not gonna happen, no matter what your job is.

[Joe Baggadonitz]

I was involved in music before we got married. I made it clear from the beginning, I will continue with music (and everything that goes with it) as long as I am physically able. When I'm not playing, I stick pretty close to home and do things I think a husband/father should do. It's a tricky balance sometimes but thankfully it's been 'working' for 22 yrs.- and it is 'work' but you gotta want to be there first.

[Justinvs]

What Jakedog said. I've known people who could make it work and have known people who couldn't, but in the end it came down to the people involved, not what they did for a living. I used to play with one guy that viewed every gig as a chance to hit on any available woman in the crowd, but then again, he did th esame thing at his day job, so it was no real srprise when things went down for him.

Whether you're out on the road with a band or driving a big rig or deployed overseas or fill-in-the-blank to be away from home, marriage is never an easy gig.

[emu!]

Originally Posted by Jack S

Absolutely. The spouse can make a decision to live with a partner who is devoted to something other than them, but children do not have that choice. If you put your career above your devotion to your spouse and family, then you have no business having children in my opinion. However, there are a lot of business professionals who have chosen similar paths, it is not exclusive to musicians.

But, why is being a musician any different than other jobs that require working at night and being away from family? Truck drivers make it work. I know alot of truck drivers that have children AND a happy marriage.

I think spouses of musicians sometimes just don't take music as a career seriously because the entertainment industry gets a bad rap. It sounds like the lady just didn't like being second and decided she wanted to be first.

[klasaine]

+1 to Jakedog.
My scene is similar. I've always been a musician. My wife works.
I got married at 44 and had a kid at 47. I pretty much fulfilled all the R&R fantasy stuff years before that.
Yeah, I don't practice as much as I used to but that's part of the trade off.

I'm gigging out of town this weekend and they're coming with me (I get my own hotel room this trip).
*If I quit being a musician I wouldn't be the same dude my wife married and it'd be a given that my marriage would fall apart.

**I never thought I'd want or have a kid. I friggin' LOVE being a daddy!

[colorado]

Being a musician is a hard one for relationships.

You get to do something you really like (play music), are constantly exposed to women, booze, drugs, parties night after night. You are on stage and people (hopefully) are cheering and dancing. That stokes your ego in a way that can't be easily matched

You go home to a demanding wife and screaming kids. Or even a calm (but boring)situation.

Adrenaline rush of the stage vs the subtle joys of family life. Easy to stumble on that one.

[Jack S]

Originally Posted by emu!

But, why is being a musician any different than other jobs that require working at night and being away from family? Truck drivers make it work. I know alot of truck drivers that have children AND a happy marriage.

I think spouses of musicians sometimes just don't take music as a career seriously because the entertainment industry gets a bad rap. It sounds like the lady just didn't like being second and decided she wanted to be first.

I agree with you and was making no excuses for people in other professions. I only meant that it was not unique to musicians that I believe a choice has to be made. I certainly don't believe for a minute that simply because you are a dedicated musician or business professional, you cannot also be a good father. However, if you have no intention of attempting be a father to your children, you should not have them.

[6942]

My youngest daughter (singer) and her long-time boyfriend (guitarist) have discussed marriage on occasion?
So far....they've done a nice job of balancing jobs, family, and gigs.
But that's a lot easier to do with NO children in the mix.
I'm not sure if they'll actually proceed to married status?

Bit if they do....I wish them luck!!


Steve

[thelowerlip]

I love reading Jakedog´s posts.
I ´m about to celebrate my second anniversary. I do play for a living and I thought the problems we were having came from her being clingy and not understanding. That made me pull away more.

We sought counseling. It is expensive and worth every penny.
If your wife comes first in your heart and you make sure she knows this things become much more simple.

I would also say booze and drugs are not a good thing for a marriage or a musical career. You don´t party at a normal job either, ya know?

[vjf1968]

It's a dodgy mix when one has an immature spouse. That goes for man or wife.