Terrible family situation (Long)

[zosofan]

My father remarried after my mom died.
He married my aunt (my mom's sister)
That makes for some very awkward family situations, as you can imagine.
In the 24 years since that time, my wife and I have managed to have a polite, but cold relationship with my step mom.
She is the one who has been cold with us, we have always tried to be friendly and "nice" simply out of respect for my dad.
She is a , shall we say,a very hard person to like.
Recently my father has come down sick with terminal lung cancer.
We have been trying to keep the communication lines open by continuing to turn the other cheek to some of the crazy B.S. step mom has been spreading around to other family members/friends of the family about us.
Yesterday I went to my dad's house to see if he was o.k. and if they needed anything.
My step mom stopped me at the door and told me in no uncertain terms was I welcome to come into "her" house.
When I asked her why, she went on a rampage about how I had gone behind my dad's back and spread bad rumors about them and that's why all of dad's friends don't come over to visit them anymore. (all of this right in front of my daughter, dad's granddaughter, who my dad thinks the world of btw.)
Everything she said is a lie and easily proven as such by calling the people in question.
She repeatedly mentioned one friend in particular, my dad's best friend and hunting buddy of 40 years.
I of course was shocked and dismayed not only about this false accusation, but more importantly, I can't get past her to see my dad and I know for a fact that she is telling my dad these same stories.
The last thing I want to happen is to have my dad go to his grave believing what my step mom is saying, but I can't get in to talk to him.
I can't get thru on the phone either because she answers the phone and won't put him on the phone, she just hangs up on me.
The saddest part of all of this, is that I have, since this incident, talked to my dad's friend in question and SHE is the main reason he won't go over and see him.
My dad's friend also fully backs me up when I say that I have NEVER said a bad word about her, my dad, or them getting married.
Well, until now of course because "the gloves are off".
WTF can I do?
Advice, thoughts?
Thanks for any and all input.
Eric

[GigsbyBoyUK]

Turn up there with your dad's friend and confront her together.

Please try to remember that her husband of 24 years has a terminal illness. No matter how much you dislike her, she is bound to be very upset and upset people often act in strange ways.

[Bones]

Get a lawyer, going over there anymore to confront her and she's going to have a lawyer and or the cops waiting for you.

[emu!]

Maybe you can meet your dad at the doctors office?

I bet the witch also has to go out occasionally, so wait until she's gone and knock on the door...hopefully your dad will answer.

[Rich_S]

Go over with your Dad's friend, have him deny that you've been spreading the lies about here. While he's explaining that SHE is the reason he doesn't visit, and while she's going berzerk, you can sneak in to see your Dad.

[akukulich]

Can you get a message to your dad via someone who is able to make it past the front door? Maybe your dad's hunting buddy would pay a visit for you.

[RevMike]

Thats a painfull situation. Good luck getting through it. I'm sure you're Dad knows the truth.

[TeleTim911]

This is really tough, but I agree, get with your dad's friend and go together to knock on the door, just surprise her...she'll be in shock if you show up together.

She might call the cops, so be it, and when the cops get there explain to them what's going on, they might be able to help, I doubt it, this is going to be a civil dispute which they rarely do anything about. Although they can make you leave, either under your own power or theirs.

If that doesn't work, go talk to a lawyer, see what they can do...maybe get a court order to allow you to see your father. He is your father! Unless your father is refusing to see you...which is possible after she gets through convincing him that you're an evil and mean person. Keep that in mind.

Good luck.

[muudcat]

if it was me, I'd rip the doors off the hinges and go see my father, period. Then when the cops show up let them figure it out. Sounds like you have some legal issues that need to be worked out ASAP since your father is so ill. I wouldn't wait. Talk to a lawyer or possibly city social services people. Don't wait for her to act, take the first step.

[ROADMAN]

go over to Dad's house with a bullhorn and stand outside his window and explain what's going on , that you love him and please phone so you can arrange a time to visit him...bullhorns are loud ...he'll hear it for sure..

[chrisgblues]

In reading "some" of these other responses...all this lawyer talk is ridiculous. You, your father, and your stepmother are all adults (at least in the legal sense of the term). If Ontario is anything like where I live (and I think it is) you don't have any legal rights to see your father...period. None. Not even considering the grandchild AFAIK.

Now...you have a MORAL right to see him but the stepmother is getting in the way. Your father chose to marry her for better or worse so he has made his life choice. Unfortunately it appears to be the wrong choice but it was his to make in spite of himself and his children.

Being confrontational or uncivilized will not only get you nowhere, but you will play right into her game (or trap) which will complicate the situation and provide her with ambiguity should you try to justify to anyone else why you are retaliating. She is obviously confrontational, so getting confrontational in return will give her more ammunition...she will start spreading even more lies about how confrontational you are (and if you are...there will at least be a shred of truth to what she is saying). Suggest you do not stoop to that level lest you make things worse.

If it was me...I would find someone I trust that also has the trust of your stepmother (another relative or a friend) who can bring your father a well written note from you explaining your feelings. Make it succinct and to the point, and remind him of how it used to be before she got involved. He will either respond or ignore, both of which are his choice and you must respect it.

You need to take a strategic approach to this unfortunate situation.

JMHO...and good luck.

[Arbiter]

Originally Posted by chrisgblues

In reading "some" of these other responses...all this lawyer talk is ridiculous. You, your father, and your stepmother are all adults (at least in the legal sense of the term). If Ontario is anything like where I live (and I think it is) you don't have any legal rights to see your father...period. None.

Same deal here in the states. The stepmother is his wife and she controls the situation. Period. My family faced something somewhat similar with my grandfather, and you know what? The wife won every last thing that she wanted to win, because we simply had no legal standing. Fortunately, she was also pretty lazy and we at least managed to all get to say goodbye over the course of a few weeks. Unfortunately, the OPs stepmom sounds like she's not lazy, and is pretty determined to get her way.

FWIW, the rest of your post is pretty spot on as well. The morality of a person who would do such a thing is appalling.

[CancerLeoCam]

Call the cops and ask for a welfare check on your dad. Gluck.

[Tdub]

I thought everybody in Canada was nice to each other.

[lewis]

Currently I have a close friend going through a horrendous divorce.
As much as I hate to say it, getting lawyers involved in a difficult family situation may not be a bad idea.

[thunderbyrd]

i'm not sure of the legality of it, but i would do it anyway: get a cellphone or something and record one of her tirades. you might find it useful in the future, in some way.

[otterhound]

I would like to hear the other side of this story .

[getbent]

There is so much more about this situation than your post could possibly reveal... Your dad married his wife's sister... was the relationship good with your mom when she passed or is there more to the story than that? Is the implication that maybe your dad and his current wife were together prior to your mom's passing? is that at the root of the rumors and innuendos and hurt feelings?

I've had some difficult family situations (dealing with one now) where the root of the problem goes back many years and has to be addressed first... (especially where parental deaths are involved and remarriages etc)

If there is any way to build a bridge to your aunt or to open a calm line of communication with her, that is your best bet. The rest takes more time than your dad probably has....

I do know this (and I am sure of it) what we sometimes think is 'crazy' behavior is really just behavior that we don't understand because we aren't operating with all of the information... more often than not, bad information, wrong information and unknown information can make very nice, rational people behave in ways that we don't understand making them appear crazy. In other instances, we are the ones operating without full info and it makes us misinterpret information.

I cannot imagine the circumstances where a person would be denied access to a parent, but I think because of the time element, your best bet is to circle back with your aunt and try to make whatever amends necessary to gain access to your dad.

[Steerforth]

Looking at things after hearing only one side of the situation, I'd recommend consulting an attorney. Her behavior is fairly unreasonable it seems, and it would probably take nothing more than a letter advising her that she'll find herself in court to show cause for denying you access to your dying father. Perhaps he could suggest that rotten behavior like that might warrant a psychological evaluation to ensure that she's capable of looking after your father.

If you just go plodding over there uninvited, things are going to tend to be stacked in her favor, and you get the right cop on the wrong day and you might get hauled for something.

When confronted with unreasonable behavior, counter with reason. An attorney will be worth the price.

Rick

[Eric Smith]

The answer truely is to show up with the friend. She will be blindsided and stumble all over herself.