Bandmates are WHIPPED.

[stnmtthw]

Its not out of line to point out that, since you are gigging, if they can't pull their own weight, they need to pull out and you will find someone who can. That said, personally, I'm a father first. Husband second. Day job comes third, and is a direct response to the first two. Music makes my life better, and if we can get some extra money out of it, what's the harm? That's my wife's view, and that kind of view is a big reason we've been maried for 11 years. If your bamdmates are being controlled by their gf's, they already know it, and don't need you to tell them.

[mrboson]

MrBoson's guaranteed recipe for a balanced, happy life:

Prioritization of roles for married men:

1. Husband
2. Father
3. Career
4. Hobbies

So I don't care what the career is, it has to be kept in the right place, otherwise there is no balance, and the first three priorities suffer. And the hobby has to be fourth. If a guy wants it at number three, then make it your career choice and do it for a living.

Priorities for the guy not in that same level of committed relationship as a marriage:

1. Hobbies/Career
2. Career/Hobbies (note that one and two are interchangeable)
3. GF

So I am sorry if that offends the GF... but it goes back to balance over a whole lifetime. And the order can always be changed, right? Make the commitment then line up the priorities accordingly.

[Pepe]

Opinions...we got 'em! Some insightful stuff here, particularly from Jake.

When you say 'choosing practice time is a PIA', do you NOT have a regularly scheduled practice? If not, that indicates a certain looseness/lack of commitment from the get-go. That approach would be a PIA in my book. Folks are more likely to opt out of (or not make the effort to opt into) practices that aren't yet planned vs. a schedule they've agreed they'll commit to.

[Skub]

I know a man who used to gig regularly,in fact it was his girlfriend who lined him up for the job. Later when they were married a while she decided to call time on his band activities,so one day when he was at work she gathered up his guitars and gear and sold the lot for not very much money.

He's still married to the same charming lady 30 years later and he hasn't owned or played a guitar since.

[AirBagTester]

Originally Posted by Skub

I know a man who used to gig regularly,in fact it was his girlfriend who lined him up for the job. Later when they were married a while she decided to call time on his band activities,so one day when he was at work she gathered up his guitars and gear and sold the lot for not very much money.

He's still married to the same charming lady 30 years later and he hasn't owned or played a guitar since.

Man. That's just wrong... but I dunno; maybe she has some other incredibly redeeming *ahem* assets *ahem* that make up for what many would see as a horrible, horrible betrayal?

[Skub]

Originally Posted by AirBagTester

Man. That's just wrong... but I dunno; maybe she has some other incredibly redeeming *ahem* assets *ahem* that make up for what many would see as a horrible, horrible betrayal?

Let's just say there are no blindingly obvious physical attributes,other than the dominatrix thang.

[HiggyDude]

Originally Posted by mrboson

MrBoson's guaranteed recipe for a balanced, happy life:

Prioritization of roles for married men:

1. Husband
2. Father
3. Career
4. Hobbies

I agree except that I believe 1 and 2 should be switched. Once you have children they should always be number one (I'll caution that with reason - if serious issues or possibly law-breaking things are in the mix I could understand a shift here). I haven't met a father yet, married or divorced, who has not placed his kids as number one. Mothers should do the same (IMHO) - your child or children always come first....then your spouse -then whatever you deem is important.

[Jakedog]

Originally Posted by AirBagTester

Man. That's just wrong... but I dunno; maybe she has some other incredibly redeeming *ahem* assets *ahem* that make up for what many would see as a horrible, horrible betrayal?

Ain't no woman in the world that *ahem* "good" *ahem*.

[Arbiter]

Originally Posted by Skub

I know a man who used to gig regularly,in fact it was his girlfriend who lined him up for the job. Later when they were married a while she decided to call time on his band activities,so one day when he was at work she gathered up his guitars and gear and sold the lot for not very much money.

He's still married to the same charming lady 30 years later and he hasn't owned or played a guitar since.

Good God. I love my wife; would crawl over broken glass daily for her if required. She's that great.

But that would be grounds for divorce.

Fortunately, I won't be facing such an awful predicament - she's a musician as well.

[blowtorch]

Originally Posted by emu!

Isn't EVERY married man whipped?

Yeah, I think so.

[String Tree]

Call me 100% WHIPPED and LOVING IT!

~ ST

[fezz parka]

Mr. Boson's Recipe is on the money, except that if you're a father, that's #1.

[Tommy Biggs]

Originally Posted by Pepe

Opinions...we got 'em! Some insightful stuff here, particularly from Jake.

When you say 'choosing practice time is a PIA', do you NOT have a regularly scheduled practice? If not, that indicates a certain looseness/lack of commitment from the get-go. That approach would be a PIA in my book. Folks are more likely to opt out of (or not make the effort to opt into) practices that aren't yet planned vs. a schedule they've agreed they'll commit to.

Totally agree that there's a difference between the old "I ain't seen the daylight since we started this band" and the "I got a job and a gal" schools of rock.

Having rehearsal schedules is convenient - cuts down on drama for me - my wife knows when I'll be playing or gigging, and the band knows how to plan their lives.

that being said - I often miss the days of playing with the band for 3 days straight... or every night for a month.

[Dave_O]

Originally Posted by TinyGomery

I love playing with them, but I'm not going to miss my children's young years just for some rock band.

This.

Because I did trade my boys young years for a shot at The Big Time.

It was a great band and all that. But bands come and go. And having a great band is no guarantee that it's going to Make It.

Currently I play with guys who are all:
1)Really good players
2)Top guys
3)In relationships

We are (mostly) of an age where we've realised that while we LOVE music and playing in a band, it's not what our worlds revolve around. It's just something that we do. It doesn't define us, or influence our life choices. My wife really is the best, but after going through Divorce Hell twice before if she said stop I would.

Even a gigging band (define gigging. Playing the occasional gig? Five nights a week and pulling a wage?) means little. I love playing music and all that, but if you're looking to turn a band into a career I fear you're 20 years too late. You'd have a better chance if you traded all your music gear for a metal detector and hunted for buried treasure.


IMO, YMMV, etc, etc.

[mistermullens]

I don't know if this helps, but I've always said that being married is easier than being in a band. You can quote me on that if you like.

I am fortunate enough to have a wife that knows the only thing I love as much as her, probably a little less, is playing music. Because she loves me, she wouldn't dream of interfering with my music world.

[mrboson]

Originally Posted by fezz parka

Mr. Boson's Recipe is on the money, except that if you're a father, that's #1.

Yeah, I actually do agree with this. Or maybe it would have been better had I put it this way for a family man, married to the mother of his kids:

#1-2: Dad and husband.

I have learned that being a good dad and a good husband are not mutually exclusive. In fact they're so intertwined it makes it really hard to get one part right but not the other.

[Scantron08]

Yeah, there has to be a balance. And yes, family should come first. I do see a bit of the OP's point, though - the right woman will appreciate the place music has in your life.

I'm in a band with four other dudes, three of whom are also dads like me, and two of whom are in their 40s (the rest of us are in our 30s). We're all fortunate to have wives who are really supportive of our musical hobby - and who know they'd have to live with us bouncing off the wall if we couldn't do it.

[MandyMarie]

I wouldn't say I'm "whipped", but I will say I'm happy.

I've spent most of my life traveling around this country playing music...now I'm 32, madly in love with my husband, madly in love with my house....it takes more than $15, free beer, and the promise of a good gig to get me excited nowadays. John and I still play music for a living, but truth told, we have more fun playing guitar in our living room, arguing over chord changes and lyrics and laughing like kids than I've had in my whole life. Music is fun...but it's a job.

Things change a little as you get older. I actually just said that the other day - we debated on going to see Redd at the Continental (he plays every Saturday and there's no cover) ...then decided to watch Clerks and act silly. When did I get old? ;-)

[Lazloryder]

Find bandmates in their early 20's like you, or a bunch of old single losers.

[' burn 08]

Man, I don't really have a lot to throw in from a band perspective, and I think that has been pretty well covered anyway, but I am 30 and single and most of my friends are either married, getting married, or in a serious relationship. While it sucks not being able to just hang out and do stuff anymore regularly, I didn't expect to. I understand that they have an entirely different life going on. It isn't that i don't fit into that life, it's just I fit in in a much smaller way. And instead of taking issue with that, you just go and do your own thing. Dynamics change. We're a little more spread out these days and I might only see some of my friends once every 6 months or so. Everybody has different schedules. I'm trying to stop in to see one of my good friends Friday night when I am passing through Birmingham not he way to North Alabama. He just got married a few months ago. We never have time to play guitar anymore. In fact, by his own admission, he doesn't have time to play much at all anymore. But we aren't playing in a band together. And I understand where I fall in the pecking order in things. That's just the way things go. There are only so many hours in the day and you can't please everybody. So it is a matter of having your priorities aligned.

If the priorities of your bandmates are not aligned with your own, and it sounds like they are not, you either have to accept it or find a new band. I understand that it may be hard to find other musicians in the area. The area I live in doesn't have a lot of young single adults; mostly college students and families. So finding like minded people can be difficult. So you make concessions. Since you are getting paying gigs and your band mates are profiting from your business, they should be compensated according to their level of participation. Levy fines if you need to. Express your concerns. But be prepared, you may find that your limited partnership has run it's course. It is important that you all are on the same page.