The Bassist - A Biblico-Musical Parable by Tony Levin

[Robin Nahum]

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old...definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good, in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful sunburst red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo, it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, “Go man, go.” And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased.

And He spoke to the man, saying ŒDon't do that!¹

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, “Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts.” And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it.

But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, “O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of.”

”And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer.”

”You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass”

”And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes.

And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say “Wow¹ but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night.”

”And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink.”

And it was so.

[sjfoote]

but I think Tony Levin is one of the most talented & skilled people on the planet. Perhaps its just too early in the AM for my old brain cells to fully understand the message.

Anyway, I think I'll put some King Crimson on the CD player and have a listen to Tony's excellent work.

[RevMike]

I got the chance to see Tony play with the California Guitar Trio up close at J&R records a few months ago. Not only is he a brilliant bass player, but he is also and extremely cool guy too.

[Robin Nahum]

Originally Posted by sjfoote

but I think Tony Levin is one of the most talented & skilled people on the planet. Perhaps its just too early in the AM for my old brain cells to fully understand the message.

I didn't know his background. I should have looked it up I guess. It was just something amusing that a friend emailed to me.

[TheGoodTexan]

I heard that several years ago. I think it's hilarious. Bass players don't always seem to "get it" though.

I joke around with other musicians..."I can audition a bass player over the phone."

Imagine me holding the phone up to my ear...(of course, you don't know what I look like...so imagine me as some cool guy that's funny, and you like to hang out with him, and you often buy his lunch.)

"When you look down at your bass, how many strings do you see?...."

If the answer is more than 4, I'll look for another bass player! :) Of course I've played with 5-stringers that seem to know what they're doing....if'n its a low B, not a high B...or (GASP) a high C. 6-string bass players need not apply....you're playing the wrong instrument brother!

When I worked at Tobias, of course we had everybody coming through the shop. Flea, Vic Wooten, etc. And their talent is undeniable. But Vic actually had a 6 string, where the high C string was PLAIN. Come on...

Interestingly enough, I can also audition most drummers over the phone.

"When you look at your kit, how many kick drums do you see?...."

>1= Find another drummer.

Some drummers think they can get around that with a double kick pedal...but I can quickly spot that.

Another question that I regularly ask drummers is, "When you look at your kit, do you see any of those little toy cymbals commonly refered to as a splash?"

If the answer is yes...I tread lightly.




....all in fun of course.

[PSWoods]

LMAO - that's great! I never read that one before. It's got the whole creation, temptation and fall.

Is there a redemptive chapter to the story? Like God could descend to the bandstand in the form of... Bootsy Collins... or something and suffer and die in a 3-guitar jam band to atone for the sins of all Basskind?

[Jakedog]

Many eons ago, I worked at the Guitar Center on Spring Valley Rd. in Dallas. One day, this kid is in there, grabs a six string bass off the wall, plugs into a big rig, and proceeds to start showing everybody how cool he is with his slappin' and his poppin' and his tappin' and all of his majestic speed and youthful fury. This went on for a good 10 or 15 minutes, until one of my co-workers (who was always doing stuff like this) walks over to the kid, sits down and just starts staring at him. After a minute, the kid stops, and says "Hey". My friend says "You gotta minute?" And the kid says "Sure". My buddy says "See that bass you're holding? That's a boomily-boomily-boom instrument, if you need to tweedily-deedily-dee, the guitars are over on that wall." Then he just got up and walked away. The kid didn't hit another lick, he just unplugged, walked around for a few minutes, and left. It cracked us all up good.

Jimmy, (my friend) used to do lots of funny stuff to customers who thought they were a whole lot better than they actually were too. Nobody could shut down annoying wankers like he could. I remember once, there was a guy playing really, really, bad shred, complete with rock-star poses and hair flipping. We had just had a teacher drop off a fresh batch of business cards. Jimmy picked one up, and stuck it in the guys strings as he walked by him. It was priceless.


Jake

[Ian]

Too funny!!!

[David Barnett]

Originally Posted by TheGoodTexan

Interestingly enough, I can also audition most drummers over the phone.

"When you look at your kit, how many kick drums do you see?...."

>1= Find another drummer.

Some drummers think they can get around that with a double kick pedal...but I can quickly spot that.

Another question that I regularly ask drummers is, "When you look at your kit, do you see any of those little toy cymbals commonly refered to as a splash?"

If the answer is yes...I tread lightly.




....all in fun of course.

"How many cymbals do you see?"

If it's more than two crashes, a ride, and a pair of hihats, there's gonna be trouble.

Unless you're Keith Moon or Jack Dejohnette, brass is a spice not a staple.

[Smokin' Joe Picante]

Originally Posted by Jakedog

Jimmy, (my friend) used to do lots of funny stuff to customers who thought they were a whole lot better than they actually were too. Nobody could shut down annoying wankers like he could. I remember once, there was a guy playing really, really, bad shred, complete with rock-star poses and hair flipping. We had just had a teacher drop off a fresh batch of business cards. Jimmy picked one up, and stuck it in the guys strings as he walked by him. It was priceless.

Jake

LMAO!!! That's the BEST! One of those things we all wish we could see happen to "that guy".

One of my bud's is the BIGGEST Tony Levin fan, but he'd never seen this. The irony of the whole passage is so great! Funny, other than the low notes thing, you could substitute "guitar" and "rockin'" pretty easily for "bass" and "funky".

[Paul in Colorado]

Somehow I don't think Tony Levin wrote that. He plays a Chapman Stick for goodness sakes!

[evets]

Originally Posted by Paul in Colorado

Somehow I don't think Tony Levin wrote that. He plays a Chapman Stick for goodness sakes!

Actually sounds more like Robert Fripp mighta wrote it!

[Joe-Bob]

Originally Posted by TheGoodTexan

Imagine me holding the phone up to my ear...(of course, you don't know what I look like...so imagine me as some cool guy that's funny, and you like to hang out with him, and you often buy his lunch.)

Yup! Good Texan described me pretty well. 8)