Really bad 1-liners

[dannew02]

(OK I stole this from another forum but I just got yelled at for laughing so loud so I wanted to share)

Bad one-liners. Part Who-knows-how-many.
Every so often I come across stuff like this and throw it on here. Groan meters set to Max.........

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

Velcro - what a rip off.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner ? Oh, deer.

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I don't enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.


Please add to this list!

[Brendo]

I've printed this. My kids and wife are going to love me!

[chrisgblues]

A pallbearer will be the last person to let you down.

Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped prison? The cops said there is a "small medium at large".

[w3stie]

Crime in multi-story carparks: It's wrong on so many levels.

Hedgehogs: Why can't they just share the hedge.

My parents sent me to a child psychologist: Kid didn't do a thing for me.

[LGOberean]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

[TBird]

A Buddhist walked up to a hot dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."

[DeepSouth]

Two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. The first one says "ooo ooo it's hot" the other one says "hey a talking sausage".

[CarterK]

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot is very unsanitary.

[promagnum]

I turned up at a fancy dress party dressed as a football.

I was immediately kicked out.



You should check out my Twitter account. I always post funny things on it.

https://twitter.com/#!/TheJesseHarmon

[garytelecastor]

I tried to write a song about drinking but I couldn't get past the first two bars.

[telefunken]

I had to quit my job as a muffler installer, it was exhausting!

[promagnum]

People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode.

[Deeve]

A word to the wise is redundant.

[O- Fender]

I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep... not screaming, like the passengers on his bus.


I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger and bigger... then it hit me.

I took a train once... but they made me give it back.

[telleutelleme]

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

[PhilT]

Does my signature count?...

[SPUDCASTER]

Did your parents have any kids that lived?

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

I usually run my jokes past my midget friends, but sometimes they go over their heads.

You don't play much, but your tone's bad.

It's been a pressure playing against you!

[hemingway]

Hear about the dyslexic drug addict?

Injected himself with a heron.

[Controller]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

[chilldude]

Just got back from a pleasure trip, drove my mother-in-law to the airport.