Be seeing ya

[boris bubbanov]

We look forward to your happy return.

788 posts? That's not much. Unless you're composing then deleting thousands more (could be) we're talking just minutes.

[Dan German]

Originally Posted by kelnet

Famous last words.

He'll be back.

Maybe not. When I decided I was spending too much time here, I just left. Ended it. Never came back.

Originally Posted by boris bubbanov

788 posts? That's not much. Unless you're composing then deleting thousands more (could be) we're talking just minutes.

That's what I was thinking, too.

[Warm Gums]

Sound of whip cracking........

Seriously BTDT, gave some rope, then took it away, things are better now.
Unless we are talking about your boss, then you should tell'em to pound sand.

[winny pooh]

There is always tdpri on your smartphone, swmbo will not even guess, except by the glazed eyes and continued GAS.

[JackStraw]

So what are you going to do instead?

[Freejack]

Just to provide context.

I have more than one hobby; Motorcycles (yes, the trip is off and I'm selling the bikes; details below), Computers, Board/RPG gaming, and yes, guitars.

The problem is my wife (SWMBO) came into this relationship with expectations. Unfortunately she never told me what they were. You know how women are; they want you to guess We are essentially on the outs right now and trying to figure out how to fix whatever the problem is. Well yesterday she finally was able to articulate what the problem is.

We're not spending enough time together. Then she explained what her expectations were.

See I'd stopped riding bikes back in 1990 or so after my accident with the expectation that I was going to get back on again. I bought my next bike in 2001 and did a couple of long distance rides including one with her. She was miserable for the entire trip to the point that we stopped talking about half way through. She tried to ride her own bike but last year finally gave up and sold it.

Gaming was similar. I've been gaming since I was a kid, generally the starting games; Battleship and the like. But I moved up to war games and then role playing games (Dungeons and Dragons) and the even more complicated board games. In 2006 after not playing role playing games for 10 years or so, she wanted me to open up my game boxes and do something with them. I did, I got back into gaming in a big way. But she isn't capable of enjoying games more complicated than hearts or spades.

Playing the guitar was another. I bought a guitar back in the 90's intending on learning how to play but never had the motivation to really devote the time to it. December 2010 she said either sell it or learn to play. Unfortunately for her, I started taking lessons and here I am. I did try to get her interested in playing but the guitar's too heavy and too hard to play. She does like drum circles and we spent a good portion of last year participating in one.

I'm a regular with a good 15,000 posts on the Sport-Touring motorcycle forum. I'm somewhat regular with about 3,000 posts on one gaming forum. I only have 788 here but that's just the beginning for me

The problem is that none of the things I'm doing are able to include her and I'm pretty OCD about stuff. I don't just dabble but jump in and learn everything there is to learn about stuff. Spend a lot of time trying different things until I'm good at it.

What I should have done above when I found she didn't enjoy it or couldn't enjoy it was stop and look for something else that we can do together.

Once I got that epiphany last night, I realized what I needed to do to bring things back into line. So the motorcycles are going, to be replaced with a convertible so _we_ can go places. The games are being reduced down to a few decks of cards so _we_ can play cards together. And the guitars are going away to be replaced with drum circles, something _we_ can do together.

It's changing my attitude so _we_ can do things together vs me doing what I want to do and her doing what she wants to do. At that point (where we are now), we're just room mates.

Sure, I'll probably drop in once in a while. It's hard to just walk away from anything.

And thanks all. I did learn a lot which is always a good thing.

Carl

[Bswailes]

I saw this:
"I never understood how oppression could bring harmony. This place will be here when you need it. Best of luck."

Suggested response: "Lady, within 6 months you'll have your back up my shirt, trying to move my mouth for me." (You better laugh when you say that.)

[TaylorPlayer]

Originally Posted by winny pooh

There is always tdpri on your smartphone, swmbo will not even guess, except by the glazed eyes and continued GAS.

"What am I??? Some sort of Summoner who can get the TDPRI whenever I want?!?!"

[kelnet]

Having someone to do stuff with is one of the reasons to get married. Good for you for seeing that your wife is probably lonely and wants a companion rather than a cohabitant.
If you two aren't the most important things in each other's lives, then the marriage starts to falter.
Drop in once in a while and give us an update.

[Brother Rob]

You're losing the _me_ for the _we_ and in my experience that rarely works. Any relationship where your self definition is based on another person is dangerous to your long term self identity.

Sounds more like you guys don't communicate very well and that is the root of your issues. More communication is no substitute for good communication.

You're going to get a convertible and to her it is going to be a car and a way to spend a couple of hours together. But you are going to research the vehicle. Set up a spot in the garage. Learn about maintaining it. Join a Convertible Club. Go on car cruises. Find a website. Get a jacket. And so on.

The problem with your current course of action is that you're still going to be passionate about your hobbies, and to her they are still going to be just hobbies. She defines herself differently. You are defining yourself by what you do. I get the impression that she defines herself by different things. You need to understand where she gets her self definition. If she is defining herself by you, that to me is a red flag. Helping her to find things other than you that define herself would (imo) be more healthy.

[Daddydex]

Don't worry. After a couple months of spending time with you she will be buying you new guitars, motorcycles and board games.

Dan

[Freejack]

But I have to try. Granted, it might be that this just ends and I'll be back. The stuff is, well just stuff. I can always get more stuff later. But I love the woman and she's hurting. I can't give up without even trying.

Carl

[blowtorch]

Gotta say, sometimes I feel sorry for you married guys

[kelnet]

A female friend of mine got married a few years ago. They were both in their forties, and it was the first marriage for both of them.
He plays guitar and writes music. The first thing he did in their new house was build a recording room for himself. He is rarely out of it. She has talked to him about being a couple. She wants to continue to do the fun stuff they did when they were dating. He said, "We're married now. I don't have to do that anymore."
I don't know why the guy bothered getting married. If you don't want to be with the other person, then why get married?

[drb1346]

Originally Posted by blowtorch

Gotta say, sometimes I feel sorry for you married guys

+1 I was thinking the same thing

[southwoodgtars]

Originally Posted by Freejack

But I have to try. Granted, it might be that this just ends and I'll be back. The stuff is, well just stuff. I can always get more stuff later. But I love the woman and she's hurting. I can't give up without even trying.

Carl

You are right stuff is just stuff. Marriage is tough. Trying is what matters. The self definition posts seem quite valid as well. My wife and I have different hobbies and we keep each other in the loop whether or not if we really care about the others hobbies. She knows that guitars and fishing make me happy and I know gardening and crafts make her happy. She would NEVER make me give those things up because that is what makes me happy and in turn makes her happy. Don't you think a little compromise is in order? Just my two cents.

[Mechanic]

Going through this myself. But I must say wife #2 is very supportive of my guitar playing. She'll even nuge me if I haven't played that day " You going to pick it up today?". And to be sure there's times will you hang this, pick up that, the yard needs this 1 of our kids is comeing to dinner and I need help. But my guitar playing (I wish it was better) isn't out of here priorities as she likes to listen as I play and offers good critisism to play playing. Usually being that sounded good or try it this way. THAT'S why we love each other. Now how to figure out why I've gained 25lbs this year we've been married.
Good luck Jack check in from time to time.

[Brother Rob]

Originally Posted by blowtorch

Gotta say, sometimes I feel sorry for you married guys

Really?

Why?

[Freejack]

But there is compromise. I'm not stopping what I like to do, just changing it a little. Motorcycle to convertible, role playing games down to the easier board games, and guitar to drums. Things we can do together.

Carl

[spauldingrules]

Man, that's weak. Honestly. She's just going to take and take until she completely controls you. I don't mean to be harsh, but you have given up EVERYTHING to appease her.

You'll be back one day - single.

You have to find balance, and keep some "hand."