Spaghetti

[nickhofen]

Laughter is strong medicine for mind and body

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

lets laugh a bit...Post jokes.


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white
and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

[asatfan]

Good one!! If I think of one soon, I'll post it....

[jkingma]

These 2 sailors are in port for a few days and looking to have a good time, but between the 2 of them they only have 9 dollars, so they try to come up with a way...

Wait a minute... I can't tell that joke here. I'll get banned.

Sorry.

[brookdalebill]

Don't quit yer day job!

[jvanoort]

A lady with a baby in her arms got onto a bus.
When she sat down in the rear end of the bus she was clearly very angry.
When asked by a fellow passenger why she was so infuriated she answered: "the bus driver just insulted my baby! He said it was the ugliest thing he had ever seen!"
The fellow passenger answered: "Why! How inappropriate! Lady, you go and tell that guy the truth while I'll hold your monkey for you... "

[redstringuitar]

Hello, my name is Luigi. I live in a small town and in this town I have built 27 houses. Do they call me Luigi the builder? No, do they #@&% call me Luigi the builder!

My stationery business supplies all the photocopiers, pens, pencils, paper, envelopes, clips, staples to the local school, public offices and businesses. Do they call me Luigi the stationer? No, do they #@&% call me Luigi the stationer!

My supermarket supplies all the townsfolk with their food, drink, supplies and luxuries. Do they call me Luigi the grocer? No, do they #@&% call me Luigi the grocer!

My pharmaceutical retail outlet supplies all the prescription and non-prescription remedies, bandages, dressings, toiletries, grooming and bathroom accessories in town. Do they call me Luigi the chemist? No, do they #@&% call me Luigi the chemist!

My public house serves the only draft beer in town, many different brews, and also provides food, live music and a taxi home at the end of the night. Do they call me Luigi the publican? No, do they #@&% call me Luigi the publican!

I also own the only car dealership in town, selling an extensive range of new and used vehicles. Do they call me Luigi the car dealer? No, do they #@&% call me Luigi the car dealer!

I'm really #@&%ing pissed off with all this....



















































































I #@&% ONE sheep....

[emu!]

2 old men talking:

1st old man..."I like to take some of that Metamucil every day".
2nd old man..."What's that? Never heard of it".
1st old man..."It's a fiber drink. What fiber do you take?"
2nd old man..."I don't take fiber".
1st old man..."Aw come on. You're full of sh$t".

[nickhofen]

Originally Posted by jvanoort

A lady with a baby in her arms got onto a bus.
When she sat down in the rear end of the bus she was clearly very angry.
When asked by a fellow passenger why she was so infuriated she answered: "the bus driver just insulted my baby! He said it was the ugliest thing he had ever seen!"
The fellow passenger answered: "Why! How inappropriate! Lady, you go and tell that guy the truth while I'll hold your monkey for you... "

HAHAHA!!!!

[nickhofen]

Here is anothere one:


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

[CarterK]

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, naked, wrapped completely in cellophane.

Doc takes one look at him and says, "Clearly, I can see you're nuts."

[Stubee]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any grapes"? The bartender stares at him for a second then says "No we don't got any grapes in here, this is a bar & we don't serve ducks, now get outta here"! The duck waddles out.

Next day the duck comes back in & asks "got any grapes"? The bartender yells "No! I told ya yesterday we ain't got any grapes, now scram"!'

Next day the duck walks in & asks "got any grapes"? The bartender grabs the duck by the neck and yells "I TOLD YA BEFORE WE GOT NO GRAPES & DON'T SERVE DUCKS & IF YOU COME BACK AGAIN I'M GONNA NAIL YER BEAK RIGHT TO THE BAR!!!" and throws him out.

Next day the duck waddles in & says "Got any nails"? The bartender shouts "No we don't got any dammed nails!!!" and the duck says "Then ya got any grapes"?

[nickhofen]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hDv5pib89s

[nickhofen]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OAjb...eature=related

[nickhofen]

Have fun," real life Superman"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQg1Hpcnz38

[AndyLowry]

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.

[scrapyardblue]

Skeleton walks into a bar: "Gimme a beer and a mop"

Book of Tao.....Willie Nelson

[Tdub]

What's the difference between old style panties and new style panties?

Old style: you open up the panties to see the butt.

New style: you open up the butt to see the panties.

[Little Ricky]

A rich businessman who made his money through ill means finds out he is going to die soon, and knowing he will not be going to the right place, decides to beg forgiveness from the Pope himself. So he buys a first class ticket to Rome, buys an expensive ticket for a private audience with the Pope, and gets a brand new tailored Italian suit the day before his big meeting.

On the day of the meeting, there are 40 people lined up in two lines, and after a short greeting and speech the Pope quickly walks down the first line, merely shaking hands with the guests, and barely making eye contact with the rich businessman as he passes him. The businessman can barely keep his composure. But then notices the Pope stop at the end of the first line in front of a man dressed in rags, reach out and touch the man on his shoulder, then lean over and whisper in the poor man's ear.

Thinking quickly, the rich businessman runs to the end of the line, pays the vagrant to swap clothes with him, and then repositions himself at the end of the second line, as the Pope makes his way down towards him. Just as the Pope approaches him, he catches a glimpse in the Pope's eye and knows this will be his big chance for redemption. The Pope approaches him, puts his hand on the rich man's shoulder, pulls him closer, and whispers in his ear,
"I thought I told you to get the hell out here you damn dirtbag".

[Solrac Kai]

A man walks up to a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender turns to get his drink the man looking around the bar he notices a tiny grand piano at on the bar towards the opposite end of the bar. Sitting at the tiny piano is a tiny man, about a foot tall, dressed in an equally tiny tuxedo, and playing wonderful strains of classical music on the tiny piano.

The bartender returns with the drink and the man points to the tiny piano player amazed and asks the bartender where did he come from.

The bartender tells the man there is a Genie in the alley out back giving anyone who asks just one wish.

No sooner than these last words are out of the bartender's mouth the man rushes out the door.

A couple of minutes later the man returns surrounded by a hoard of ducks, quacking and jumping and flapping. Making a hell of a racket.

Shouting over the din of noise the man yells to the bartender. "That damn Genie can't hear for crap. I asked for a million bucks and I got a million ducks!"

Clasping his hands over his ears the bartender yells back, " I tried to warn you, but you ran out so fast". Removing one hand and pointing to the tiny piano player. " Do you really think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"

[stxrus]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy', Sarkozy replied. 'How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'